tiara ! d10 fin

fox Graphics 1,363 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5 but a butt ?	tiara ! d10 fin Jan 16, 2023 23:43:34 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fox on Jan 16, 2023 23:43:34 GMT -5 tiara snowspire (: eighteen she/they
	Last Edit: Jan 27, 2023 0:47:52 GMT -5 by fox

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1,363 POSTS

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last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5

but a butt ?

tiara ! d10 fin Jan 24, 2023 22:01:49 GMT -5

Quote

Post by fox on Jan 24, 2023 22:01:49 GMT -5

i grew very tired of being small, of always hitching up my voice, of being afraid of moving too much because something might fall out of place

when i say home, i don't mean the kettle whistling and the freshly watered garden bed, portraits on the walls, the smell of sunlight and sweetness

i want to be bloody, i want to be dangerous, i want to be all blade and still loved in the morning

when i say home, i mean i want you to know i am capable of ugliness, i have cried before, inconsolably in the bathtub for nothing, i have cracked open like a rotten tooth, i have thought venomous things,

i mean it's the feeling, after the tempest
i mean it's the feeling that you still want me, after everything

Xenia says we became friends because i was wearing overalls that day. a stroke of luck when a strap got caught on the slide.

but i don't believe in coincidence. i want to believe we happened on purpose. like she chose to give me her hand, and i chose to know her. and i don't believe in fate. i want to know i did this, that there was no significance until we tended to it. that i learned of her and she understood me and we laboured over our bond.

i was always waiting back then, for the season to change, the snow to melt.

i think i liked being pretty, i think i mistook admiring as love. i made sure i smiled on my tapes each year. i looked in the mirror and wanted to be wanted, willed it, and spoke like a spring flower, so to be picked from the slopes of Snowspire one day.

but now i don't like to think of things as meant to be. i think i want, i will, i am.

i think i can do this. i have to.

it's funny being eighteen. sometimes i feel like i have endless energy, like i could power the whole universe. sometimes i think i can do anything.

Dragomir tells me to be careful every week. i go to the medbay one afternoon with my hand sliced open from a knife aerial i missed, and two seconds later i'm waving the bandaged fingers around saying i'm fine i'm fine, bouncing off the walls and trying again to catch a falling knife. people think i like the danger, and i do, a lot of the time peril is the fun of it. i think i'd get into more trouble than Sylan if i didn't land better on my feet.

and then sometimes it's like the way i'm breathing feels wrong, my hands can't hold steady, and my release is never smooth, the arrow misses the target every time, and i feel like lying on the floor forever.

it's frustrating. it always feels like there is so much more. i can be bigger and better. and i like my friends, i've known them since i was born. i never want to not know Xenia.

but then, i'll lie out by the bay window in the library where it's quiet, watch the snow fall over the peaks, and all my bones will say – i'm going to leave this place.

there's like this desire to be greater than. to prove myself.

then there's the smaller thing, something i feel like i could cup in my hands, something tired.

sometimes i'm scared it's the same thing as all the preening, the biting of tongues, all the moments of catching myself in the mirror. and have i changed into who i want to be? – the force of nature, courting danger and taming the knife. a thing that never rests, never fragile, barreling through life and laughter like a bullet.

but then, awake at night, i think maybe i'm still asking to be looked at. to be liked. to be wanted. to have a home.

i want to be told – it's okay to do nothing at all. put down the knife. you could be nothing and i'd choose you. there's a breath you've been holding. i can feel how it pulls you down by the ankles. i'm here, i'm here. you're tired. i love you. i love you because you're you.

Last Edit: Jan 27, 2023 0:47:16 GMT -5 by fox

fox Graphics 1,363 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5 but a butt ?	tiara ! d10 fin Jan 27, 2023 0:50:47 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fox on Jan 27, 2023 0:50:47 GMT -5 dars all finger guns out here

dars Administrator 7,697 POSTS Member is Online — 🥀 —	tiara ! d10 fin Jan 27, 2023 15:11:02 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by dars on Jan 27, 2023 15:11:02 GMT -5
	^{I AM A GARDEN OF BLACK AND RED AGONIES}