vervain mortuus, [12]. cb fin

        a girl wants to work perfectly—


put her eyeliner on without a tremble. keep her skin clear. not get angry. tell everyone in the world she doesn't give a fuck—no.             turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. 

           girl wishes to be a robot. 
           call her cyborg, turn off the world, 

she flips at the dinner table,
plates clattering, bothering, a vicious noise.

everyone's ears ring,
peanut the canary coos
in her absence.

no one chases after her.
she'll slip back in a window eventually.

cyborg doesn't consider other people's
            feelings,
sorrow/joy/happiness,

it's all coding,



girls father loves loved her best.
it doesn't matter in the end.

girl/robot, she hunts down the line so she can cross it,
girl wants to turn off the code,         rewrite the script.
this isn't where she belongs.


raisa. mother. mom.
absurd woman. girl ignores her feelings most.

this is a     borrowed life.
girl moves through it like a machine,
a train on its tracks. 




girl fantasizes
    about     leaving.
    about     killing the plants.

mom smiles and means it so girl stops calling her mom

starts calling her by her name,
the only way robot feels
confident,

         robot doesn't claim her anymore.



a robot wants to / slice herself open
take out the meaty parts and make everyone



girl would flay herself with a kitchen knife
just to make raisa watch.