when the good people no longer care to be good . ☆

So there she stands, pathetically, with one knife lit over two dead bodies. 

The loose facade drops after Svetlana leaves, after the boy leaves with his harsh words and her remaining allies escaping through a hole in the wall. At one point it's just her, Elm Errington, and the bodies of Dorothy & Amaterasu. She doesn't know what to say, a part of her hasn't even processed what truly transpired. Elm leaves through the entrance and Haze through the wall, they don't say goodbye. 

She hopes she never exchanges another word with them. For however long her shit time in this arena is for, she hopes someone else kills Svetlana, and that boy, and that Elm lives a life long enough to forget all about day 4 of the 93rd hunger games. Haizea doubts she ever will, something sinks from her heart to her gut and she knows something has changed. There's a tiredness in her eyes she mistakes for growing pains, there will never be enough time. 

The musician becomes the militant; Haizea knew Amaterasu for sixteen days but it's felt like years already. She almost feels like another cousin, someone she was just getting to know before having them ripped away from her again. There's a piece to her that feels shattered, but she checks for injuries and again - there's nothing there. She can't tell if it's Amaterasu's absence or her death that'll hurt more. Haze hardly speaks the rest of the day, instead she spends it stuck it in her own head. 

Her opponents didn't like her, and she couldn't blame them. Haizea was a killer cut from the same cloth as Svetlana now, whether she wanted to face the truth or not. That was the end of the similarities between them, she tenses up at the sound of her name coming from Brennan's mouth. She could hardly admit to herself that she killed today, trying to convince herself it was the least of her worries at the moment - yet, she can't stop herself from thinking about it. 

She felt the need to apologize to her mother, but the thought nearly makes her cry. I killed somebody, mama, she had to do it. She wasn't a bad kid, she wasn't a killer; she had to do it. Or it'd be Pierce, then Brennan, and then herself-

There's no use in thinking about it. 

"I thought about it, too," she says, finding a seat next to Brennan and crossing her arms over her knees. "When they were walking away, after Dorothy," Haizea takes a second to tuck her chin into her arms, "I wanted to kill Svetlana, too. I had the knife in my hand, and I was ready," but she couldn't do it. 

She couldn't kill another girl, not in the same day. There's something barbaric enough of two people dying in that fight, she almost thought it wouldn't end until one side was eviscerated. "When I first came in here, I thought I wanted to do good," be good, "but that's not it." Haizea thinks of Theo, of Svetlana and Elm, of Dorothy and Calamity. "I just want to go home," whatever happens on the way there, she couldn't blame herself for.