trust in the plan | kanin, sawyer

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mat
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trust in the plan | kanin, sawyer May 2, 2023 11:33:54 GMT -5

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Post by mat on May 2, 2023 11:33:54 GMT -5

s a w y e r l l e g e t .

How can resolution come so easy to some but not so for others? Sawyer sits forward in one of the back pews, finishing his post-confession prayer. Father complimented his devotion today. Faithfulness is a winding path that ensnares some travelers while others go free. He finds caught in the ropes often, hands tied down to the keys. How pretty your music sounds, someone told him today. A half-hearted smile crossed his lips. If only pretty was enough to be chosen for something greater.

More, more, more. When will his more be enough to be awarded a partner? Sawyer hasn't confessed it to Father, but he privately wonders if something about his body makes him less worthy. He is loyal, faithful, and beyond responsible to handle the gift of life. Couples of boys and girls his age have been paired off for the past two years, and very few have been passed over with no explanation as he has. He whispers a hopeful prayer between interlaced fingers: God, give me the guidance I need to fix myself to be deemed worthy to create life in Your honor. If the way I am is not how I should be, please lead me toward what I need to be remade right. The prayer goes round and round through his head. It takes a while for Sawyer to find the right things to say and ask when Father isn't beside him. So he speaks them over and over until the hushed calls sound more like the devolved slamming of keys on his piano.

He picks his head up at the end with no revelations in sight, yet. One of the other boys his age, Kanin, sits on the other side of the pew. His calling is a secret, but he always appears so confident in his connection to God. Father loves him, too, more than the other sheep He guides toward Todd's saving grace. Of course, he already has a wife. He strides closer to the pure divine brother.

Sawyer sits beside Kanin with enough distance to fit a person in between them. His fingers subtly scratch at the fabric of his trousers. Maybe he'll be able to take some understanding from the man who, maybe save for Tanner, has everything that anyone in the Church could want. Pure divinity. A partner. A clear path.

"Hi Kanin. I haven't seen you much outside of Sunday service recently. How are you doing?"

What separates them?

d4 Panda Scope [Gayton]
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trust in the plan | kanin, sawyer May 7, 2023 0:35:59 GMT -5

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Post by d4 Panda Scope [Gayton] on May 7, 2023 0:35:59 GMT -5

k a n i n w a l k e r .

Believe it or not, Kanin knew that everyone had their struggles. He was no exception to that. They were born sinful creatures. Imperfection was a part of their core. Where Kanin excelled, was knowing when he fell short. He strived to be like God, and he was good at it.

He was meant to be Panther, hunting from the shadows. A pack leader who provided and delivered. Unfortunately, he was a lion, and today he let his mane show and his roar sound. Pride was a difficult think to swallow.

So here he was, waiting outside confession, praying for humility before he spoke to the father. He thought through his conversation the day prior with Tanner Garcia. Even now, deep in his prayers, he felt the urge to roll his eyes. Forgive, Kanin, he thought to himself, an order. He would have to forgive Tanner for his contempt. But he would also have to ask for Tanner's forgiveness for his provoking. Perhaps, the extra gun shot was too far. Perhaps, he could have been kinder.

He jumped, suddenly, as he felt the pressure in the pew shift as someone sat next to him. He hadn't heard anyone come in. He turned and saw an old friend, Sawyer and shook his head in shame. He was off his game, it wasn't like him to not be aware of his surroundings. "...How are you doing?" What an odd thing to ask someone waiting outside confession. But Sawyer's charm lied in his inability to say the right thing.

His eyes landed on Sawyer's and it was a welcome distraction. There was a wash over his mind, the prayer falling away and memories of Sawyer came to mind. As altar boys. As children in the choir. The Ratmas Plays. Beyond Moira and the baby, there hadn't been a lot of room for friendship. Something about his calling made him want to be distant from the other boys his age. It wasn't like a desire to disconnect, it was more of a them problem. Not everyone understood the important of his job, and not everyone was comfortable talking to him anymore. It was a pity, but Kanin understood, sort of.

But Sawyer, he understands the importance of obedience. They had been growing apart, sure.. But it was more natural with age rather than an uncomfort around each other. Sawyer was his friend, and he could trust him. Open up to him.

"Yes, Sawyer, long time no see. I've been so busy working," he giggled, a kind of forced, guttural sound. "I'll be okay after confession. Just something small to atone for. What about you? What brings you here?"

Surely there was nothing too major with Sawyer. He had an unquestionable faith.

"I've been the archer, I've been the prey" -Taylor Swift, The Archer

mat
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trust in the plan | kanin, sawyer May 8, 2023 9:24:51 GMT -5

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Post by mat on May 8, 2023 9:24:51 GMT -5

s a w y e r l l e g e t .

Sawyer finds himself in this position often. He cares deeply about the others in the community, and while he's not the most sociable person in the Church, he makes more of an effort than some others. But with every curious question he finds himself asking, there's a sensation of nosiness to it that makes the situation feel wrong. With Kanin Walker, this is especially the case. Father and the Proprietor made his role a secret. He was always glossed over when talking about people's callings. Hank Buckley tends to their gardens, Mitsy Howard takes care of the horses. Kanin Walker has been called. To what, Sawyer has a few guesses that he's not comfortable sharing.

"I've been so busy working," Kanin says, almost deviously so. The rumor is that it has something to do with the gun he's rumored to carry around. "I'll be okay after confession. Just something small to atone for." Sawyer joins Kanin, smiling. Confession is how he remains close to God. Father can connect with God through His divinity in ways that a disciple could never, no matter how hard they pray. That is why he stays perched at his piano, smiling to Father when he passes each morning. Don't forget about me. Keep me in Your prayers.

"What about you? What brings you here?"

Sawyer taps his heels together underneath the pew. "Oh! I'm here most of the day. There's more room here than at home." The cramped space in disciple homes leaves him with little choice. "If I ever feel compelled to play, the piano's just across the church."

He's quiet as someone leaves the confessional box, letting them move up the floor of the church in peace. He thinks about what to say during this time to offer his support but not impose. "I'm sure whatever it is you're seeking forgiveness for, Father will help you find it. The more you come to see Him, the easier it is for Him to help you. The process of confession can be dreadful if you don't keep up with it." Frequent– a concept he was brought up with thanks to his parents. Every day, one of them would walk him to Church and let him stay there to find his purpose with God. They hoped it would make him the most faithful of Todd's followers, more than they could ever be as outsiders brought into the Church well into their lives.

"Uhh… yeah." He pauses, struggling to keep the conversation going. Starting something he doesn't know how to carry on. Dry silence ends his eye contact with Kanin, pushing forward toward Ansgar's bust at the front of the church. Sawyer's known for his shyness and awkwardness forcing others to take the lead.

If they want to, anyway.