once catastrophe-simmons . d10 [fin]

The dusk is upon us, I knew as it fell
The darkness is honest, are you to yourself?

I was quite young when my father made a big decision for us all— my family, that is. He decided that we were to join the Church of Todd. I was raised to believe in said religion by my father with full enthusiasm. My sister was quite enthusiastic about it too, at least for a while, and then I honestly think she tuned it out out of boredom. My mother was a bit more reluctant, but wanted to make him happy, so she went along with it eventually. I still don't think she fully believes.

My father's a farmer here in the commune, and my mom's the only barber in the Church of Todd, so she gets quite a decent amount of clients in and out for haircuts. My older sister, Gloria, is a dentist as of recently. She's pretty hard-working and gets things done. My younger sibling, Savior, is a musician for the church's choir, playing the trumpet for them. Savior is quite talented.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've been fascinated with death and the afterlife, so I ended up getting a job as the cemetery groundskeeper. That, and in my free time, I do a lot of teaching/reminding people in the church of things about the afterlife that the Church of Todd believes in, since that's quite important to me.

I get along with Savior better than anyone else. As kids, we played a lot of games together and spent a lot of time together. We went to youth Bible study together growing up, and we still do. Those little arts and crafts they do in churches? We're on top of that for sure. Heck, we've even played parts in some of the church plays when we were younger. We've always bonded over this stuff, and I think it's brought us quite close together.

Gloria and I get along pretty well too, and I think that's why she was willing to open up to me about something she'd been hiding from everyone. She told me that she was starting to reject Toddism. She wasn't sure she fully believed in it anymore, and while her decision disappoints me, I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, so I'm living with the burden of her secret. To get through that, I think of it as more of a private confession instead. Maybe one day, something will help her come back to the church.

Everyone has secrets, I suppose. I just haven't shared mine with anyone. I'm bisexual, but I can't let anyone in the church know. The homophobia is ever-present in the commune, and I can't live with that forever, so I keep it to myself. I force myself to focus only on my attraction to women and ignore my attraction to men, even though I know it's there. It doesn't feel right to hide it, but I know I can't tell everyone.

My sibling Savior is in a similar situation, being non-binary and only out at home, except that they're at least out at home. We call them 'he' in public spaces of the commune or when people come over to our home, and otherwise use 'they' for them. Mom always tells us that she couldn't imagine having to hide such a big part of herself, which I suppose is why she still somewhat struggles with the beliefs of the Church of Todd.

Thing is, I can imagine hiding such a big part of yourself. Except, I don't have to just imagine. I'll probably be hiding my bisexuality until the day I die, and maybe even beyond that, with whichever part of the afterlife I get sent to. I just hope that I'm not damned for eternity. I mean, how much of a total bummer would that be?


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Lyrics: "Nightmares Never End" by JT Music