Confliction // Tigs&Baptist

My acceptance letter weighed heavy in my hands as I made my way over to my uncle’s house. When I read that I was offered the scholarship my world fell split into pieces that went flying every which way. My thoughts were as conflicted as could be, ever since I even applied a part of me hoped for a rejection. A rejection would have meant I could stay in nine with my family. A rejection meant that I did not have to face the scary world alone.

When I was in six, it felt like I would never fit in. It was just like in school where everyone wore clothes that I could never afford and came from a family that had been given more in one year than I was ever in my entire life. The people I was able to identify the most with were some of the patients, the ones clinging on for their dear lives. The ones rotted in misery to an extent they did not know who they were anymore. I definitely felt that way, overworked and tired beyond imaginable to the point where I no longer knew my own name. How could I not think that staying home, staying in nine would be the easiest solution. I belong here, I belong in the Backwoods. It all made sense to me when nothing made sense when I was at school or when I visited six. Was I capable of entering an unknown world all on my own?

I haven’t spoke to my brother about it yet, or my mom. I know that Icarus would smile, hug me, and tell me to write him a letter. Mom, depending on her mood will either accuse me of abandoning her or shout it from the rooftop just how proud she was. Maybe even a bit of both, who knows with mom how she would react. If there was a way to predict her moods down to the minute it would have made all of our lives that much easier. I needed to talk to an adult, an adult that actually acted like an adult. Sometimes that seemed a little bit too hard to come by in our family, but I knew Uncle Baptist would be right one to talk to. Somehow he seemed to be the most reasonable one left in our family, however little that actually meant.

I pushed open the wooden door of my uncle’s house, he managed to live in an area much nicer than the one I resided in. Not that it was very hard to live somewhere nicer than the Backwoods. Back before the peacekeeper industry took over and our neighborhood was infested with violence in every corner, we would come stay here or the old family home when mom was in one of her paralytic depressive states. It was just that much safer to be around adults that were not on the verge of suicide.

My cousin Corbin didn’t seem to be home, better that way, I was not ready to announce to everyone just yet that I actually was able to make my dreams come true. I was not ready yet to admit how badly I wanted to leave this all behind, more importantly I was not ready yet to admit how terrifying this all was.

I wandered around the house for a bit until I saw my uncle sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea. I smiled sheepishly and waved. The nerves rushed through my body and my stomach began to turn. It was not like me to get this nervous, I was the one with a head between her shoulders. The one who knew how to react in stressful situations, why was this all so difficult. I took a deep breath in as I handed my uncle the letter and pressed my lips together awaiting his reaction. At least with him, I did not have to say anything out loud, it made it all that much easier.