Soleil Watkins//d3//fin

s o l e i l .

"Auf das, was ich lieb', kipp' ich Spiritus
Und das, was mir bleibt, ist der Tinnitus"*

I sat on Vallen’s neatly made bed. We all made sure that his room stayed neat and tidy for when he would return home. We all hoped that he would be the one to make it out and come back home.

Today all the hope that we had died alongside my brother.

I pressed my bony hands into the covers as I clutched them holding back tears. The rest of the family was still in the living room, probably all crying together. We were close that way, we were all really close except Vallen. He was the enigma of our family that none of us seemed to be able to decode. Between each of us, we were all good at something. Vallen had his robots. My twin, Xaden, had his wires and electronics and I had my bombs that went hand in hand with Xaden’s wires. It only seemed just that I mourned the lone wolf of the pack in solitude surrounded by his creations that he seemed to love more than us.

There was a time, before I had decided to just let him be, when I tried to worm my way into his affairs. I thought if I could meet him on his level then he would let me into his world. He was always building his robots, taking them to fights. What if I could give him an edge over his competition. A bittersweet smile appeared on my face and the tears flowed as my eyes met the demolished robot we had built together. It was discarded into a corner of failed products, burnt with wires sticking out in every which direction.

***

With a giddy smile and eager eyes, I ran to my brother who was assembling his latest creation. I did not really understand exactly what he was doing but I had built him an accessory. Carefully I carried the explosive device in my hand, making sure that it did not explode in my face like a few of my other creations have had in the past. Thankfully eyebrows grow back, and you can buy yourself a pair of lashes.

”Look Vallen!” I shouted as I held up the small device made out of an old cellphone. One call and the thing would go boom releasing a small explosion and some confetti. What fun was destruction if you did not do it with style? ”We can have the robot throw it at its opponent and when the time is right…you just press this button on the partner phone, and you’ll win for sure!” I was so proud of my creation the way Vallen was of his.

Slowly and carefully, I laid the device in the arms of the robot. Vallen looked weary of the whole ordeal, but I knew mom was on his case about spending more time with his little sister. He just had to give me this one opportunity and I would prove to him that…

…tick tick BOOM!

Ooops.

I had accidently pressed the button and set off the button.

Both of us had a black charred face covered in pink confetti and I could feel Vallen growing even more hostile to my presence.

”Are you capable of anything but destruction, Bells?!” Vallen shouted at me. I wanted to apologies over and over again, but I knew it did not matter how often I apologized, he would not care. I destroyed one of his creations.

***

My brother’s nickname for me rang in my ears as I returned back to the present day. No one else called me Bells but Vallen. Even if he was mad, the name gave me a sense of comfort that he still cared a little bit. Just enough not to call me by my first name like everyone else.

I made a mental note to take the exploded robot with me back to my room. It might have been one of the worst days of my life, the anger and disappointment on his face broke me. All I ever wanted was to be accepted, to be seen as someone who was an equal. Not the little girl that destroyed everything she laid hands on. However, I would have taken a plethora of bad days if it meant that Vallen would have spent more time with me. Underneath all the sorrow was a pit of anger and resentment, growing stronger with each second I spent in that room.

Besides our failed project, I could not place a story to any other object. They were all so foreign to me, objects that must have held meaning to him, but I could not place them in the timeline of his life.

I did not know my own brother and I hated him for it.

Yet I could not bring myself to leave his room. I wanted to pick up each object and study it. I did not want to hate him, and I wanted to find a reason to love him after his death. A way to connect with him now that he was gone.

Reconstruction over destruction.

Still my ears rang from the explosion of emotions that left me paralyzed in his bed.

***

”Mom! Come quick! Bells hurt herself again!”

Vallen’s voice echoed in my ears with frustration and maybe a slight hint of worry. I laid in the grass unable to move with an annoying ringing masking out any thoughts I could have mustered up. I felt the blood trickle down my head from where I must have collided with a stone, or maybe even a bit of my device hit me as I flew back in the explosion.

There was no telling, nothing was for sure in the moment except the pain that I felt throughout my entire body.

Mom and dad rushed to my side and slowly helped me sit up. I blinked at the blinding light of the sun as the world seemed to spin around me. Another failure for the books, some day I would get it right. Someday I would find the perfect formula to a beautifully controlled explosion. I just needed some more practice that is all.

”Oh, Soleil! I think it is time you find a new hobby, one that will not most likely kill you in the process.”

My mother was concerned and angry. I labelled the emotions coming out of her mouth so that I would not forget later on. Once she realized that I was okay, I knew she was going to yell at me, I would hang my head in shame as if I was going to actually listen to her. I would wait a few weeks, maybe even a bit more than a month before starting my next project. I would start my next project; I was not going to stop until I was good at something.

It always felt like the boys, not just in my family but everywhere, were always getting praised for their creations. Someday, someone, somewhere would stop and say ”Soleil Arabella Watkins is the best explosive ordnance engineer that Panem has ever seen.” Okay, maybe Vallen was not always praised due to the sheer amount of time he spent with his robots, but at least he was good at creating them. I wanted to be like my older brother, good at something. I wanted him and everyone to be proud of me.

I moved my head from side to side just to test my range. Then smiled brightly at my worrisome family, ”Don’t fret! I’m okay, I promise!”

***

”Don’t Fret! I’m okay, I promise!”…

My own words haunted my mind. In this moment I was not okay. Not because I was sad, sad was a normal reaction to seeing your brother slaughtered on live tv. I was not okay because of everything else that I was feeling. The resentment, the anger, the hate…all of it was not okay.

Quickly, like the flick of a switch, I stood up from the bed and grabbed the reminiscence of the failed robot. The very object symbolizing my failed relationship with my brother. My body was in autopilot, and I watched myself walk back out into our small backyard, cradling the robot on its way to its execution.

There was no real explanation for what I did next, no real answer as to why. When my family questioned me about it later that day, all I could muster up was that I needed to destroy the object I blamed for delivering the mortal blow to Vallen’s and mine’s relationship.

I stood in complete silence as I lit the robot on fire and watched it be consumed by the flames. Traces of the explosives set of little explosions, it’s final act in utter destruction. I was not burning the only bridge connecting me to my brother, but instead I was mending it. For the first time it really felt like destruction would be my only salvation. Gone would be the bad memories, gone would be the resentment, gone would be that damn robot reminding me of my greatest failure…Not being a good enough sister.

Finally, out of the ashes of destruction came reconstruction.





* lyric translation:
I pour spirits on the things I love
all that is left for me is the tinnitus

present day
flashbacks