circe murdock // d4// fin

A fair warning that the story of Circe Murdock is not for the faint of heart…if that was not made abundantly clear already.

The day she was born, her mother gave her nothing but two parting gifts. Her first name and her voice. Throughout her life, her name would become her own and her voice would become her greatest weapon. No training that her father could offer would replace the gift her mother had given Circe. Everyday, her father would have to listen to the same sound echo through his glass filled house that once caught his attention so many years ago. A constant reminder of the witch that charmed him and the girl’s enchanting voice was her final curse. Unfortunately, the one thing Circe ever sought out was her fathers love, her own curse being that she would never obtain her heart’s desire.

☠ ☠ ☠

The first time Circe remembers seeing the ocean was when she four years old. A strange man that she had never seen before had picked her up from pre school claiming to be her uncle. The man had taken her by the hand led her to rocky coast with nothing but a worn-down tavern and a lighthouse in sight. Together they stared off into the distance of the vast sea, the waves crashing violently into the cliff lined edge unaware of how that day would change the course of her life forever.

A woman kneeled down in front of her and took both her hands. In that moment, she was the most beautiful person Circe had ever seen. Caramel skin touched by the sun that she had only ever seen before on her own body. Thick curly hair that imitated the uncontrollable waves of the ocean and sea green eyes that made a promise that Circe was finally seen.

For a moment there was hope. For a moment there was comfort.

Adriana led Circe into the tavern and promised her a life by the sea where she would be free ´to do as she pleased. Her mother spoke her sweet lies in a foreign tongue where her R curled like a snake, and she sang to her in a melody filled with life and pain. There was not a word or song that Circe did not believe. In that moment she forgot entirely that she was a Murdock and for a brief moment joined the unconventional group of misfits that went by the Dieu-Le-Veut name and called the Kraken’s Cove their home.

Time flew by and the days came and went. Circe started adjusting to the language spoken by her mother and it was no longer unfamiliar. She picked up the melodies her mother would sing at night to the peculiar guests that would fill the tavern, even joining her upon the stage every once in a while. She witnessed rituals ridding one of the grasps of the evil eye and curses being bestowed upon those that Adriana accused of wronging her. She listened to the ghost stories of La Llorona, La Tisigua and others that haunted the water. Everything became a part of her new identity and she thought she would stay with her mother forever.

Unfortunately, it was nothing more than an illusion that would not withhold the test of time.

One morning as Circe and her mother were sitting at one of the tavern’s many wooden tables. Circe watching her mother recover from the mischief she had gotten up to last night by filling her coffee cup with more rum. A figure she had thought she left in the past when she was brought to the edge of civilization. Her father stormed into the tavern with an envelope in hand, throwing it in a violent rage onto the table.

”This is the money you asked for, now are you done playing your games Adriana? Give me the girl!”

Adriana opened the envelope and counted the cash carefully, green eyes glistening with greed. Circe puzzled at the unfamiliar expression that flooded her mother’s face.

”Gracias mija. Go on, you can go with your father now.”

Protest struck Circe’s small face as she fought to find the words to describe the betrayal her child like mind could not name.

”Don’t worry…” she cupped her hands around Circe’s face. ”I’ll be seeing you soon enough” she promised her daughter but her eyes gazed up to Oleander standing before her.

☠ ☠ ☠

”Again!” Circe shouted whilst gasping for air. Water dripping from her dark hair and here eyes bloodshot from trying to keep them open whilst she went under.

The blue haired girl from the training academy started the stopwatch again and Circe took a deep breath before fully submerging herself underwater. The only thing on her mind being the argument she had heard between Uncle Nicky and her father late last night.

Over the last seven years, Circe had been the punching bad in her parent’s game of manipulation. Her mother claiming custody every time she was scarce for cash as well as getting her kick out of seeing Oleander squirm. Any sense of feeling as if she was wanted by her mother had long disappeared. There was not longer any point for her to try and be anything more than quick way to earn some money to fund her drinking habit.

There was hope for her and her father. Circe desperately clung to the hope that one day her father would truly love her. That at least one of her parents would want her and see her worth not rooted in monetary value. The way she grasped for breath as she returned from the surface, she yearned desperately for the affection from her father.

And thus, she trained; she was up earlier than her siblings, she stayed later at the academy than the majority of her cohort and once she had even tied weights to her legs to make surfacing from underwater more difficult. The incident had almost led her to drowning, her ambition will eventually become the death of her.

Today Circe needed to be better than everyone else. Her uncle and her father were shouting in hushed whispers about her. Circe’s father claiming that Nicky was getting too close to the young girl, accusing him of trying to take her away on broken promises just like her mother. Uncle Nicky believing the girl was in need of someone who actually cared for her wellbeing. The girl’s stomach dropped hearing the two brothers throw around their accusations. It was all her fault.

Deep down she knew that there was a part of her thankful for Uncle Nicky opening the door to the big wide world for her. Allowing her to experience the nights at the Kraken’s cove even if her mother did not care for her, sitting with her by the rocky coast explaining the ocean to her curious mind. Giving her the gift of limited freedom that separated her from her other siblings.

The thought that dominated her mind however was that Nicky was ruining her chance at finally gaining her fathers approval. Setting back her progress, causing him to grow in his disapproval and condescending nature towards her.

She needed to be better. If no one was going to help her in this world, then she would have to just do it on her own.

Circe reemerged from the training centers pool, once again in desperate need for air. Unhappy with her progress, with whatever breath she still had she screeched for the blue haired girl to once again start the timer.

☠ ☠ ☠

If there was any lesson Circe had learned from her mother it was that being kind to people was not going to get you very far in this world. She was witness to many of the times her mother had screwed over her father in their arrangement. She saw how each night her mother would rob the men of their cash as she sat on their lap and sang in their ear. Kindness was a disease that would only leave you with brittle and bare in the end.

She observed at her father’s home how some were coddled by the rest. In need of protection because they were unable to survive on their own, dependency on others robbing them of what little freedom they had. Some of them grouping together, depending on one another to get by. Circe did not need any of them, her siblings were nothing more than an obstacle standing in her way. At first she was ostracized by those who were confused that she was a Murdock. She did not look like the rest of her siblings, except Lore. The two of them did not fit the mold of what a Murdock was supposed to look like. As they all grew up together in one house, Circe was pulled between two. Never staying for very long in either place, never being around long enough to form a bond with her siblings.

Her circumstances may have shattered whatever bond there was to begin with, but Circe set the broken shards aflame with her actions. If any of them messed up, it was their loss and her gain. She started to thrive off of the failure of others, learning to make their problems her solutions. Distancing herself from others by speaking in her mother’s tongue. There was not all too much space in Circe’s heart for her siblings. How could there? If she wanted to excel in her circumstances she would need them to give out.

Lore was different. He was able to understand some of the Spanish words she would mutter about the house. He recognized some of the melodies that she sung under her breath when she thought no one was watching. He found the small shade of red in her trauma-rotten heart.

When he first asked her to help teach him, she refused. Her secret language was one that she wanted to keep for herself. A way so she could maintain her freedom to say whatever she pleased without anyone ever knowing. Without the fear that her words would get back to her father and he would not be pleased. However, he persisted, over and over again. He would not let the topic go, and one day she agreed to help him in order to get him to just shut up.

Her mother had taught her the language through songs and stories. Passing down culture and language all at once, a heritage that Circe felt inclined towards. Her one real connection to her mother, a sliver of what she had been promised the first time they had met. In passing on what Adriana had taught her, Circe was offering Lore a white string in the place of a white flag.

☠ ☠ ☠

A year ago, the wretched custody battle between her parents had finally come to an end. The years where Adriana maintained her position of power were halted when Oleander had gotten lawyers involved. Six months a year she was to spend with her mother in the Kraken’s Cove and six months a year she was to spend in the Murdock mansion. Her father would still have complete control over her education and her training whilst needing to pay her mother child support for the months Circe lived with her. When it came to the debate if Circe’s name was Circe Dieu-Le-Veut or Circe Murdock, the girl was granted permission to decide for herself.

She chose the Murdock name.

During the months spent with her mother, she would take the stage at the Kraken’s Cove. Her voice would ring sweet although filled with malintent. As long as she was able to fork up enough cash, her mother would let her do as she pleased. It did not take long for Circe to learn how to charm a man and rob him blind the same way Adriana would. She would pay for her freedom, a right she had earned by becoming the person she despised the most. And with that freedom she would run right back into the arms of her father. The one stripping her of whatever liberty she possessed. Controlling her in a way Circe would never begin to grasp.

☠ ☠ ☠

Lyrics: Coraline by Måneskin

Lyric translation:

*and sooner or later she’ll break
People will say: “she’s worth nothing
She can’t even get out a miserable door”
But one day, one time, she’ll succeed

** But tell me your truth