topsy turvy // sunrise & tigs

For the first time in my life, I had my own room. A space so big that it became the loneliest place on earth. Here I paced back and forth as I toyed with my mom’s necklace that was wrapped around my neck. The metal embrace feeling more like a ball and chain than the sliver of hope that I could make it back home and return it to my mother. My mother who had not even come to say goodbye, the woman who was probably locked in her own room dealing with her own demons. She would let them consume her, but I had to fight mine off for as long as I could. Not just for my sake, but for my mom’s and my brother’s because everything was for them.

Icarus’s name sounding out over the district replays in my mind again and again. I battle my own insecurities to try and convince myself that I had done exactly what I had needed to do. Now for the first time since arriving in the capitol, I am left to my own thoughts. There is no escort telling me where to go and what to do, no camera shoved in my face trying to capture every moment as if it were my last, none of the other tributes scurrying about trying to form alliances. Everyone seemed to have a plan and yet I hadn’t a clue what to do next.

The less I think about the last twenty-four hours, the better. The only way out is to look into the future.

If I was not going to be able to sleep, then I needed to find another way to preoccupy my mind. For a moment, I began to wonder around barefoot through the façade covered prison. The walls to each of my sides towered over me, my fingers tracing along as I place one foot in front of the other. The quiet hostility of my environment haunting the hallways, reminding me of the fate yet to be bestowed upon those of us residing here.

My mind slipped away, forcing a numbness upon myself. The same numbness I felt whenever I delved myself so deep into my work it became impossible to feel the pain. The sensation I knew was only human and to a certain extent healthy. There had been enough times that I would scold Icarus for not allowing himself to feel miserable. I watched as his feelings ate him from the inside out till he was nothing but a shell that searched for purpose in a pit of despair. Still, I replaced my suffering with the suffering of others because it was easier to care for everyone but myself.

(I don’t want to feel)

I needed someone other than myself to need me. I needed someone to give me a purpose.

Through the glass windows of the dinning hall, my eyes could make out the figure of another tribute sitting so perfectly centered. Occupied by a trance, I was not sure if they were asleep. Trying not to scare them as I approached, I gently pulled out the chair across from them and sat myself down.

”Do you want to talk about whatever is on your mind?” I questioned the individual with a comforting tone shrugging my shoulders ever so slightly with a warm smile on my face. ”I’m Tigs by the way, district nine”, my introduction came possibly a little late but better than never.