Full Circle (m v a day 6)
Dec 17, 2023 15:24:35 GMT -5
Post by Noah Vau - D2 (Cato) on Dec 17, 2023 15:24:35 GMT -5
Every step takes so much effort, and I don't know how I can keep going. So much weight sits on my shoulders, and it's pulling me further down making it feel almost impossible to breathe. I always knew this was going to be a hard game to participate in, but I never expected this. I never thought I'd spend so many nights waking up alone, and even though I've had some human interaction, I'm missing basic conversations. I'm missing just having some small talk even though I despise it. Just enough to talk to someone, to see how they're doing, and yet I don't want to see anyone else. I want to keep running. Seeing someone now means I have to kill them, and I don't know how much of a monster is left inside me. Of course, it'll be worth it if I make it home, but I'm so tired, and my heart is heavy. I'm trying to keep a blank face on, yet I can't keep the pain locked away much longer. It hurts. Everything hurts, and I just want this to end, but I feel so far away from the end.
At the end of the day, all I have is myself. Nobody cares about me. Nobody wants to know me. Nobody else matters. And even though I've spent many nights guarding myself and making sure nothing happens to me, I think about everyone else. I think about how far I've made it, but it isn't enough. Even as I lean against the wall and rest my head on my knees, I just keep replaying every death I've witnessed over and over. Their ghosts fly before me, they sit beside me. They haunt me, and I don't know if they'll ever go away, but I need them to leave me alone. And it doesn't help that I can hear my heart beat echoing through my mind, and it's so loud, yet it doesn't do anything to block out the voices of self doubt and regret running through my mind. I knew it would come down to this. I knew that I would have to kill people. I knew I would have to fight, but I feel as though that world is trying to kick me while I'm down. I just want to do better whatever that means.
Somehow I must have drifted into a sleep, and I quickly jump on my feet. It's time to move before someone finds me, but I'm not entirely sure where I'm going. Anywhere is better than here. I just need to be careful about who I run into. I don't want to see Nessa. Anyone else is fair game. I would fight her if I absolutely had no other choice, but I'd rather not. Someone else can kill her. I don't think I'd stand tall knowing I killed the one person who has been somewhat of a friend in here, but if it's me and her, then I have to. I have no other options, and it hurts to think about, and I don't want to think about it. I should have pushed her away when I had the chance. I should have not cared about her, but she's the one person who talked to me here. Ever since Hank left me alone, and I hate it. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate that I don't even know what happened to him, but he left me alone, and maybe he did it on purpose. Maybe he knew he wasn't tough enough. But why? Maybe I am just being dumb. Yeah. It has to be that. He wouldn't ever just leave like that.
I keep moving forward, and it's so quiet. Nothing makes sense, and every little sound has me turning in every direction. I don't know what to expect, and I know someone has to be here hiding somewhere, but where? There's only eight of us left, and I don't know where anyone is at. I would hide, but right now, I don't want to hide. I don't want to do anything at the moment except try to find my own place to hide. I open a door and walk inside, and then I take another breath as I turn around. Everything seems impossible, yet here I am holding the glaive as tight as I possibly can. Part of me is scared. Part of me doesn't know what to do. I wish all of this made sense, but it doesn't. Nothing will ever make sense anymore. I just turn around as quietly as I can hoping to leave this room. Maybe then, I'll find peace, but as I turn, I see Arlo standing there. I want to attack him, but my mind is racing. I've already killed three, why would I kill another? Why? I hate this. I hate everything about this! I could run, but it wouldn't be worth it. I want to be kind, but he'll kill me. I know he will. But right now, all I want is to stand here. I don't move, yet I tighten my grip on the glaive. It's all I can do for now. "Back where it began. No two vs ones to interrupt. Will you go quietly or make things difficult?"