limited edition / endy's toast

"First of all-"

Feedback screech.

"There's a rumour out there that I'm Josiah Layton's long lost son and that I killed him for the inheritance money - which I did NOT!"

The gang's already grimacing. PR my ass, those dickwads left me out for the wolves.

"I didn't do it. Did not do that - just wanted to put that theory to rest. All the people on Snowbyrd telling me to go spit in a tube, you can shut up now, you're done, alright, get out of my mentions."

GET A LIFE!

Because it's been a little insane. Let me snoop on the Young Love castings in peace, shit. Can't scroll between two stills of that new Telemachus editorial without hitting some tween @ing me saying I should just eat shit and die. They made me a meme. 'Hey isn't that the college scam kid, the one that totally got into Archytas except he actually didn't?' uh YEAH, so what if it is, leave me alone you little snot gremlins.

Fuck the haters, I hope those twelve year olds get reaped and immolated.

"Woof." Princess says.

Oh yeah. Dog in my arms. I think Merc said it would make me look more approachable. Everyone likes dogs, right? I dunno, wasn't really listening. I think it's working though. Minus the dog hair everywhere. Princess is a long haired Pekingese with a little splicing of leucrocotta dna, which means she's cute as hell and also eats soda cans.

"Anyways uh," Shift the dog, ignore the tongue and the two rows of teeth, "Thanks for coming out, I guess."

Shit, cue cards. Merc gave me cards, hold on-

"I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement, and I don't expect to be forgiven-" No, wait, that's something else.

Here we go-

"I would earnestly like to thank you all for coming out to support our council team tonight." Bit much but okay. "It hasn't always been the easiest journey, but it's a journey well worth the effort, and one that I'm glad you've all been a part of."

CHRIST, Merc.

Who are we talking to here, the big rat himself? Laying it on a bit fucking thick there, girlie. It's cramping my style - hard PASS.

There's another card in here, something about Lysander Mae's sobriety and how it's symbol of rebirth for the district. HELLO? Being sober just means being boring. Idiots.

Socrates' did up a whole event menu for tonight. The signature cocktail's just three different flavours of vodka poured together and nothing else. No one's leaving here sober if I can help it.

I get real close to the setup. I know what the people want, alright? Chill out Merc, stop making that face.

"Look guys, Dee Five's been doing great lately, yeah? Happiness levels? Up! A thousand percent. That Benji kid that just got his head chopped off, that was an anomaly. Not gonna happen again. That's a candidates promise. I know there were a few hiccups at the beginning, and I know you technically didn't vote me in, but doesn't that just make it more impressive? Yeah? A thousand percent! But now you can actually make that choice! You can be on the winning team! Look at me guys, I'm holding a dog. Look at how cute she is."

"And, guys, c'mon." Drumroll babe - "We're gonna get that resort this year."

One guy in the crowd cheers. Hell yeah, man. Thumbs up. Someone get him another glass of that peach-grape-mint delight.

Princess sneezes directly into the mic.

I know that's right.