how we love ; dorothy garner [95th]

There's only silence.

The empty frame of an emptier house; Dorothy couldn't feel any of the wooden floorboards beneath her feet. Without Flynn or Nessa, she's so alone. An endless silence filling the empty house where she'd once could remember the laughter of a bunch of kids who'd never expected to be at the center of this. Everything is an echo. The picture frame of Nessa and her carrying around that damned cat; Pretzel. Memories of hearing pops telling Nessa she couldn't bring the darned thing home. Pretzel curling up beneath her bed, having not once left after Nessa's train left with the only two people who seemed to always be around.

Pretzel pushes through her thoughts; almost a signal of a meal for the feline. There's an echoing feeling of an emptiness that rings through her. Stepping out of her room, she wanders around the insanely too quiet home, descending down the stares past framed photos of Flynn, Nessa, and herself. Almost smiling, despite her affinity for only smiling with the vitriol of her past. It's dumb to think back on, but she'd always had a jealous streak for her older brother. Gently, she sets the frame right before continuing into the kitchen as she sets off to work on getting Pretzel the treats she always gave the feline when Nessa was gone. It's a routine she's learned over the years; it sets her mind at ease.

There's regrets in her heart; a guilt eating away at everything she carries. The reaping still burns in her soul. A delicate fire setting ablaze everything she's worked to keep beneath the surface. Easier to pretend she's still that cold sister she's always been. Even though she knew they could see past her walls, she still had to be strong. The one to protect her siblings because it was her way of care. Flynn may have been able to physically kill other people, but she'd always known he couldn't handle the the fire of his own words. Always one to step forward when he's mad, she'd always been the one to step in from him. Words laced with a chill to cut through all of that fire so she could get him to actually think for once in his life, except she didn't know where she stood anymore. Protecting them was the only way she knew how to love. And learning she'd always been bad at protecting them, she could only feel the regrets eat away.

Nessa had always been her baby sister. The sister who followed her around on occasion; becoming her best friend. The only one she was remarkably nice to. It's why she's even feeding Pretzel on this warm afternoon. Did she protect her sister too much? Would she be able to do what Flynn did? There's so many questions flooding through her mind, but she's unable to grasp onto them. Fluttering past, she can only hear the deafening words of her own regret. It should've been me. Stuck in place at reaping, she had whispered those same words to herself. Dorothy frozen in place as Nessa stepped forward; her lips frozen in place as she watched in horror. Flynn's outspoken yell shattering the chill setting into her chest. It should've been me. God, it should've been me. Pops making her shudder in fear for a moment as his voice stops her from daring to move. It's all flooding through her as she drops the cup of cat food; scattering pieces across the floor as Pretzel attacks her ankles.

"Ow."

Claws into her leg as she steps backwards, looking around the kitchen for a moment. No one is there. Only her and Pretzel, who's happily eating once more. The walls are lined with plaster showing all the daily chores they'd done over the years. Nessa's laugh still fades through the halls. A ghost of what once was a well loved home. Her fingertips gently move across the plaster as Dorothy lets the guilt settle into her heart as she stares ahead. Head filled with too many regrets. It should've been her. As the older sister, she deserved to protect Nessa from the horrors of the capitol. Every day, she'd sit in front of the screen crying. It should be her running through the training center; scared if she'll live or die.

It's the simple flash of static before she watches on the screen as the latest Forrester from seven flashes on the screen. Nessa looks so scared. There's a different gaze than the sister she'd known all of those years. What has the Capitol done to her? How has she changed so much from the sweet little sister she'd been around for years? Dorothy can feel the tears pricking at the edge of her eyes as she watches with a held breath. Her voice hoarse on her lips as she whispers to herself as Pretzel climbs up into her lap. "You can do this. Please do this." It's a faint whisper as the air seems to grow tense with static.

"Just two more days, Nessa." The entirety of the games, she'd been trying to predict how these games would turn out. Memories of sitting in front of a screen in the district square when Flynn had been in the same position fills her mind. There'd been tears there, even if she didn't admit them to her brother. Nothing left, but the echoing fear of losing her older brother. Only this time, she's watching her sister, the person she'd always made sure was well protected from Flynn and his gang of friends. The innocence she'd always remembered her sister having had disappeared; fear fills her face with every second that passes. Dorothy had watched her sister clutch Jimmy's body. Another family member who deserved better. It's all come forward and up to this. Dorothy can still remember the way she wanted to reach through the screen and hold her sister after his death.

"I don't have any more flowers for you."

The screen shudders underneath the sheer tension filling the room; the creaking of her bed as she stands up onto her feet. There's a flash of Nessa's voice as Dorothy can hear the way she'd screamed it once upon a time during Flynn's games. "He's dead!" Dorothy didn't want to feel the emotions running through her. It's a flash of fear that bubbles in her chest once more; as if she can feel herself in that mindset once more. There's blood. Deep and red that rips across; almost as if Dorothy could feel her heart break in just a flash. The screen flickers as the emotions rip through her chest. Sorrow pulling at her eyes, tears sliding down. Anger ripping at her chest as she screams, screams so loud her voice starts to burn with fire. Fear clutching at her neck, pale white skin as if she's growing sicker and sicker by the second. It's a flash of heat as if she's back to having the plague; where she had seen the skulls of her family surrounding her. A bloodied Flynn standing above; as if his family were nothing more than gone.

Only it's her now.

Alone in the room, she watches Nessa grow weaker and weaker.

"They're all dead." Her beautiful dying sister says; with those eyes that always used to scrunch up at the corners with joy. "I dont want to feel like this anymore," Dorothy feels her hands move without her thought. Glass shatters as the static sounds off; clicking with the way her heart drops. She's screaming. Her voice caught in her throat as tears drop one by one to the floor. Pretzel flicks away, hiding underneath her bed as Dorothy breaks. Her heart splattering across the floor as she can only hear the regrets repeating over and over.

It should've been me. It should've been me.

"No. Nessa! No! Not my baby sister! Please! Please! Not her. I-I can't-" The sob escapes her body as if her soul is desperately trying to escape from her chest. As if she were able to crawl from this skin to find her baby sister in the cosmos; she would do it in a heartbeat. "Nessa! W-What are you doing! J-Just save your strength. Please. Y-You have to live. Please. Pl-Please."

"Let me help you," Ever the kind girl, She can't watch her sister share that kindness with some stranger. Some guy who's lost his head through all of this. Tears falling from her eyes, she can't help the breakage in her chest. There's nothing left, but the ache left behind. Grief swallowing her whole as she feels herself drifting back into those days where she felt so scared with rosy cheeks. "Say goodbye, before it's too late," There's a wail that leaves her body as she clutches the shattered pieces of the remote, the screen still barely functioning despite the destruction. Was Flynn breaking everything in the Capitol like herself? Was he blaming himself? No. She couldn't put that on him. She'd already made that mistake once. Not again.

The way they love wasn't going to be these hard barbs thrown at one another anymore. Dorothy could feel her hands shaking with the fear. The terror of knowing she never got to say goodbye the way she wanted. It should've been her. "Nessa. I-I can't lose you too. Wh-Who will be there when I graduate? Who'll be there w-when Flynn is too much? I-I need you. Please." Only she can't say the words to her. Before it's too late. It's a pitiful thing to hear her own sister telling this guy to say goodbye to someone already dead. Her head filling with all the grief she can carry. Dorothy could see the hundreds of different things they'll never get to do together. No one to be her maid of honor. No one to talk to about the awful boys. Nothing left, but the destruction their family has wrought down upon themselves. Was this a ploy? A plan to ruin everything? She can't feel her body as she's watching this scene with tears falling down and down. Soaking the front of her shirt, she can't feel the chill of the room.

"Otherwise you will regret it."

Regret.

That's all Dorothy can feel.

"Goodbye Nessa."

The voice isn't her own, but she wishes it could've been. All the pain settles into her skin as she cries with all of the muscles in her body. Throat heavy with all the sorrow beginning to drown her. Pretzel escapes from underneath the bed; climbing into her lap meowing gently as if the creature were afraid. Only, there's the scratchy feeling of a tongue. The rubbing of a feline head against her arms as Dorothy can only clutch Pretzel, holding on with all of her might. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so so so sorry, sissy."

"It's okay," The world ends with two single words. "I'm okay."

Dorothy cries and cries and cries; until her tears can't fall and all that's left is the sobs escaping her lips. If only she could've been stronger, shown the ways she loved her baby sister just a bit more. Somewhere, she swears she can hear Flynn's own anger sets off. Nothing compares to the pain she's feeling once again, except it's raw. Broken through all the walls she's always put up to protect her siblings. There's too many secrets, too many problems, and too many deaths to know they're anything, but normal. Love hurts the most. Unbearably heavy, it weighs on the soul until there's nothing, but a dull ache for the rest of one's life.

Dorothy can only sit there, clutching a cat in front of a broken television, crying for the loss of someone so important, so loved that she can't stop. Love is more powerful than even the Capitol itself, but she feels so weak. So alone in that room where there's no one left, but herself. How could this happen? It should've been me.

The world ends with two words, slipping from her lips as she wishes she could reach out and tell her sister the one thing she wanted to say all those days ago.

"I'm sorry..."

There's only silence left.