All we have is hope// Marcus&Tsiuri jb

"We can get coffee.”

I squeezed his hand giving him a reassuring smile before joining the rest of the crowd. A promise, reassurance that everything was going to be alright.

A painful feeling began to build up in my stomach as I searched once more for his face in the crowd. Not nervous for my own sake but for his, a need to protect him even if he was the one to hold me safe between his arms at night. His apartment becoming my escape from a suffocating world. A slice of happiness when all I had ever believed in was misery. The misery of other people seeping into my own perspective of life.

With Marcus I was happy, I was safe. A selfish need for him to be okay so that I would be okay. An unhealthy thought, I know but still he was my peace, and I was ready to protect that.

“Marcellus Rhodes.”

There was no hiding the look of horror on my face as someone next to me whispered, “Do you know him?”.

Get it together, put on your poker face. My eyes frantically searching to meet his as he stood up on the stage. The cold wind felt harsher than usual, every breath feeling as if a knife made out of ice stabbed away at my lungs. I couldn’t breathe watching stand on the stage. My fingers in my hair griping tightly, holding on to something…anything. The pain of my scalp replacing the one I felt inside, throughout my whole body.

I should have volunteered. I should have taken the spot of the stranger standing next to him. I could protect him in the arena the way I could in district eleven. I could have made sure he would have come home…to what though? What good would it be then if I were dead. My thoughts racing at the speed of light trying to make sense of the panic taking over my body.

I can fix this. I can fix anything. I can’t fix this. There is no fixing this.

All I could do is believe that he will somehow pull through. I chose to believe even some part of me feared in a few weeks I would be drinking alone at his funeral.

The reaping was over quickly (it felt like the most painstaking of eternities). Without thinking for a second I made my way to the justice building. Tunnel vision. One foot in front of the other. A crunching sound of the snow, a few days old, under my feet.

(Don’t let him see you like this)

Breath in and out as I fought my way back into reality.

Put a smile on. The same kind that greeted him in the bar. Laugh as if we were enjoying a coffee him in town. Hold onto his awkwardness that flushed my face red. The peacekeeper opened the door warning me I had five minutes. There was so much to say, but my words were limited.

One foot in front of the other. Keep it together.

I couldn’t help myself, pulling him into a hug burying my face into his shoulder. His scent calming me down, I could feel my heartbeat slow down. Five minutes of safety, hopefully he would be able to hold onto it in the arena.

“I’ll walk the dog” I promised, letting him go. My head nodding as I spoke, a feeble attempt to make myself believe my own words. “You better come back; you owe me a goddamn coffee” I choked on my own laughter as I tried to crack a joke as if this was any other day.