a countdown - j & x

Waiting for the ending was the hardest part. Or the resolution, maybe--that would be a more positive name. The days passed like dreams, all her motions within them feeling inconsequential.

As quickly as things had happened since the Reaping, there seemed to be so much empty space where the hours crawled more and more slowly as they approached the main event. A few nights in, Xov was already out of the honeymoon phase with her soft bed and the decadent food, which always made her stomach ache with a bittersweet regret.

At night, a million imaginary scenarios kept her awake--arenas full of snakes, never ending desert wastelands, a jungle full of plants she had never seen before and couldn't name. Sleep brought little relief. One night she'd dreamt she was sinking, immobilized, in a lake of cloudy water where tiny fanged fish slowly picked the flesh from her bones.

She had never been much of a planner--any string of thoughts she didn't think to write down fast enough could be lost at any given moment. Trying to mentally prepare for what was coming next in the midst of training and learning so many new things was like treading water, which she didn't know how to do. Her one piece of advice to herself was to keep a cool head, not to spook herself too much. One breath after the other, as long as possible. If only it could be that simple.

The night before the arena, the only thing she could think to do was to talk to Juno. Maybe to reassure herself that she wasn't going in alone, that they were on the same wavelength. Or at least that she'd have someone to trust until that dreaded point where no one could trust anyone.

Sleep evading her, clad in some patterned cotton pajamas with a plush blanket draped over her shoulders, she knocked on his door.

"Juno?" she called into the wood. No answer. She knocked again--silence.

In darkness half-lit by nightlights along the floor, she ran her hand along the wall of the hallway back to her room. Something she pushed made a soft creaking noise. The door to the roof was open. It locked from the inside, so she knew he had to be up there.

Xov climbed the steps, the chill of the metal seeping through her socks. When she pushed the second door open, cool air blasted inward, and she pulled the blanket closer to her shoulders.

The lights from the Capitol at night were so bright against the smog that it was almost impossible to see the stars. Just a handful, the brightest, shone through. Maybe it was better that the stars had stayed home in Twelve, so she didn't have to be reminded that they shared a world, that place and this one.

Hopefully Juno was having just as much trouble sleeping as her, so she wouldn't need to feel too bad for interrupting.

"Hey J. Getting some air?"

She sat down next to him and looked out at the rooftops, taking in the colorful blur of lights and movement below them. Too many words surfaced in her head to say them all, so she ended up thinking out loud.

"It's so exhausting, waiting. I don't feel ready, but not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow is driving me crazy." Her sock fidgeted back and forth against the concrete rooftop, making a swishing noise, dust and dirt painting the sole dark grey. "How are you feeling about it?"