early april, late march ; duke&av blitz

"You what?"

"Precious boy, you heard me, don't play pretend," Gloria's voice oozes down the line like molasses, too sweet and overly heavy, she knows what she's done. "I had to, didn't I? It's not like you would invite them yourself."

He hangs up on her.

Avriel stares at single line of digits in his phone, brow furrowed, thumb inching closer and closer to the little green call button. His head feels light, as if the last thought to exit his brain left the door wide open. Nothing's happening in there.

At the half hour mark, Eden reaches over his shoulder and presses it for him. He kisses the top of Avriel's head as he retreats, a hand trailing off of his shoulder. The touch is gentle and the action kind, it still condemns him.

The whole process takes all of ten seconds.

"Avriel. Baptiste. I'm requesting a call back from my brother, his nam-. Ok Thanks."

After that, he waits. He's not really sure how long these things take, he doesn't know when Duke will find out he called and then after that maybe Duke will take awhile to call him back, if he'll even call back. Avriel could also miss his call.

That can't happen.

He puts the phone volume all the way up and carries it with him into the afternoon. He steers clear of his workshop, too afraid to get caught up in a project. Even so, by the time the call comes, Av's got a brush in one hand and a ladder in the other. White drips onto the rooftop as he fumbles with his phone, flipping it open on his chin, breathless by the time he answers.

For a moment the line is silent.

"Av" "Duke?" "riel."

"I saw you called, is-" "I'm sorry about- oops" "Please don't tell me I've already ruined the wedding I-" "What? No, that's- one sec."

Avriel sticks the handle of the paint brush in his mouth and finishes climbing up onto the roof. He drops the brush out of his mouth, it leaves his mouth dry. In the pocket of quiet comes his little brother's soft 'hi.' The crackle he had when he was 15 is gone, his tone deeper.

"Hey," Avriel whispers.

He forgets why he called for a moment. It's been so long since he last spoke to him, there are so many things to say, he's at a loss on where to begin. "Duke, I- I know we're not... Gloria sent the invitation, I told her not to bother you guys, I'm sorry."

He pauses.

"Also the pumpkin you planted keeps coming back bigger, the deers love it."

And I miss you.

"And the tree in the backyard, it's covered in plum blossoms."

Duke's laugh over the line is like a magic spell. A smile breaks open Avriel's face as if it's the most natural thing. He doesn't know what made it happen but Av doesn't care, he'll just input words until Duke laughs again.

"But I want-"

The line lags, Duke's still talking. He can hear the downward tilt in his tone, the moment before already a distant memory. Avriel's free hand opens and closes in his lap as he listens.

Of course I want you there.

His mind goes to the drawer of fireworks in the workshop, the ones he's been perfecting all these years, a new one for each of Duke's birthdays that have passed since he left. There's a few in there, Duke was just a kid when he left, they both were.

"I haven't gone anywhere Duke, I'm still right here," he says. That isn't what he asked but Avriel's held words back between them for so long. This feels like boats passing on the river at night, lights flashing in the dark, brief messages sent via flashing lights. He has so little time to say everything he needs to, little time before the receiver clicks and Duke's gone again.

"And the magazines don't know shit. They just make things up or write whatever Gloria wants them to say, except the one about about me being in ten different cake shops, that was true, I was looking for that croissant thing you used to make all the time, but guess what? Found jackshit."

He lays back on the roof, "Also I got chickens."

No, not the right moment. He has so many things to tell Duke, there's not enough time to say it all. He's got questions too, hundreds of little things he's thought about over the years and, "You know your teachers send letters? They said you're in the top percent of the school, I'm so proud of you, mom and dad wou-."

He smells the cherry pie before he even thinks about it. Has to pull the phone away from his ear for a moment, has to press his fingers to his forehead so hard he can't think of anything at all.

"Sorry," he says, "I'm sorry."

His mouth opens and closes, then opens again. He's messing things up. He's always going to be bad at this, he made the mistake before of thinking his siblings would always understand him anyway but he can't do that again. He's got to be clear. Eden would pinch him if he wasn't below him, clattering around in the kitchen.

"I still really hate big things. Everyone's always staring at me or trying to grab me, sometimes both. I wanted to just go to the Justice building," Avriel says lightly. He knew as soon as Gloria mentioned marriage that it would never happen but a person can dream. He's come to terms with it by now, especially once he realised that no matter how much he hates big things, this time, Eden would be beside him for all of it.

"But if you're there then it'll be okay."

Avriel wants to be good for Duke.

He wants to be the big brother that he deserves, but it's taken so long for him to even get to a place where he's able to see himself as deserving too. Maybe it'll never happen. Maybe the best he can hope for is pleasant conversations over the phone every now and then.

It's so strange. Everything they grew up was brought over to Victor's Village the moment Avriel won. Their mom's old record player is still in the living room and the grandfather clock in the hall was their grandfather's. Sometimes it's like he lives in a museum. All these memories are tied to them, they sit at the back of Avriel's mouth, waiting.

"I-" he falters in trying to answer Duke's non-question.

He carries a lot of regret for such a short-lived life. There's a lot to be sorry for. Av squeezes his eyes shut, sorting it all into different categories, all of the things he wish he'd done better for Duke. When he thinks back on it, he knows intellectually that he was just a kid too but it doesn't make it any better. His brother had to grow up without their parents, then without him and Billie and nothing he says or does will ever fix that.

"Yeah I remember them," he says quietly, "Had to go when one tore Dad's best shirt to shreds."

There's a prickling behind his eyes, an overwhelming wave of warmth and ever aching fear that even with this phone call, his brother is only getting further and further out of reach. That old heavy feeling crawls onto his chest, slips its claws into his skin, it's a sharp pain, It makes it hard to speak.

He laughs a little when Duke quotes his friends but it's a little strained. He can still smell the cherry pie and the iron scent of blood. It blends together, the pine trees in the arena, the dirt, the scent of rot and torn flesh and dying breaths, it all becomes one big thing. Av doesn't know how to explain all of it to anyone, not even Eden who knows so much, it's all so big.

"I don't," he argues, voice higher in his protest, "Duke, you're my little brother, I know what kind of person you are, I bet you still save snails off the sidewalk."

He pauses, hand opening and closing, teeth pressing together, there are too many things in his pockets, he has to reach down and pull keys, a pen, a lighter, a pocket tool out, he has to sit up to do it. They clatter onto the roof and slide down into the gutter.

"I buy your school photos every year. Didn't know if that was okay but I had to. Had to watch you grow up."

He puts his face in his free hand and squeezes gently until he feels his cheekbone beneath his thumb.

"I love you, you know? I love you."