take me to church [Artemis day 4]

Lucia tried to rally one last once of willpower, only for Jupiter to cut her down. Why did Lucia do that? What was she hoping to gain? It doesn't matter now, because that slimy snake of a tribute Jupiter turns his gaze onto me, and I book it, weaving my way through the maze hoping that the sand that clings to the walls keeps me hidden. I used to get the first strike in the fight, I can use it to hide myself. Anger boils my blood as I make haste through the sand walls. I started that fight. I was consistent in that fight, but Jupiter pulled some shady slippery moves to take control of the battle. He stole my kill. How can men like him take advantage of the work that we women create? I tried to anger him to make him sloppy, but that only backfired and made me lose control. Men get praised for their anger taught that it's a tool for them to use. Other men commend boys for being stoic and emotionless. Yet when we girls become angry, and try to step outside the roles that society prescribes, we are punished for it. Even in an Arena where most of the tributes were girls, Jupiter still manages to slip through. I will be damned if I let someone like him win.

Once I feel like I've put sufficient distance between myself and the snake, I take a moment to take stock of my wounds, wishing I still had water to clean the sand out of the cuts. Oh well, I will just have to deal with it. Once I win, the Capitol can help cure any infections that may have resulted from the lack of sterilization. Did the Capitol want girls to win though? The last girl to win was back in the 89th, eight years ago. Xov made it to the Finale last year, but even then, she still lost to the boy who almost died in the Bloodbath. So close yet so far. Do the girls of Panem only exist as sacrifices for the boys' egos? Does the Capitol intend to keep pushing us down to keep the boys in fabricated positions of power? I finish patching up my wounds and stare up at the artificial moon, I can only imagine that it's afternoon in the real world, but staring up at the full moon. I find it comforting in a way, reflecting on the prehistoric story of my namesake.

Artemis was originally the virgin goddess of the hunt, and later the personification of the Moon, who was also the protector of young women. She was so highly venerated that her Temple was considered one of the Seven Wonders of the Prehistoric world. What would she think about a girl like me, who cannot finish fights that she starts, I have never been one to pray to any deity, but it seems fitting tonight.

"Hello Artemis," I start, feeling self-conscious and quite silly. "I'm not one who usually prays, but I hear that when we are feeling at our lowest, it's when we are open to the greatest change. I've been trying to stick it to the man, to show that women are just as capable and competent as men, yet I feel like I'm failing. How do you have the willpower to keep up the strength? I can't help but feel worthless, that no matter what I do, I'll never see the success I crave. Am I going down the wrong path, a path that will only lead to my pointless death? Are my actions meaningless?" I feel so stupid talking to the moon, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm at my wit's end. Where did the strength that I had these past few days go?