98th Reaping [District Eleven]

The sun shined a little brighter every day that I woke up. Dog barking telling me that he was hungry. Today the bed felt even a bit warmer despite being the only one laying in it. My body tangled in the sheets as I held on to them for comfort in the night.

People say time heals all wounds.

I think that is bullshit.

You just learn to live with the pain a little more each and every day. At first carrying it around like a burden on your back. It pulls your body down, hunching over your back crippling you. Never able to look forward you walk staring at gravel on the ground. One foot in front of the other, pain shooting up your spine with each step. It becomes unbearable and you ask yourself; How much longer can I live like this?

Then slowly you can straighten your back. Small steps. You don’t even notice the progress until one day you wake up to see the blue sky with the sun shining down on your face. The warm embrace of the world as color finally seems to seep itself back into the small details. The roses are little redder and your coffee tastes bittersweet on your tongue.

But when you look up at the sky, you cannot help but feel a cold tear run down your cheek reminding you of what you have lost.

You never will shake the pain.

I wanted to rip my chest open just to be able to breath without the world crushing my ribs, stabbing my lungs. There was a point where I would have given an arm and a leg, maybe even sell my soul just to never feel that sorrow again.

But now I could breathe again.

Today was a bittersweet day. It had been two years, and the pain no longer felt like a burden. It became a part of me, something I wore with pride. I had not lost myself to sorrow, only got lost along the way.

I turned my head towards the window on the left side of the bed, beige curtains allowing the sunlight to bleed through the room. Squinting my eyes with a small, curled smile as if he was standing in the light.

“Today is the last one. I’ll finally name dog after it.” I spoke choosing to believe that somewhere he can hear me. “Can you believe it? After today they can’t take anything away from me ever again. Maybe I’ll get the hell out of that bar, open a little café of my own. I have a concept for it, y’know. No menu. We talk to the people that come in, get to know them and make a drink for them based on that. Somewhere where even if you are alone, you will never be lonely.”

Maybe it was a stupid idea. Maybe it was stupid to wish upon a star. It was a privilege that I did not have yet. The certainty of a future was out of my reach, but there was optimism in the air, allowing myself to speak out my hopes and dreams. The aching feeling in my gut should have known better did it anyway. A lousy attempt at manifesting them into existence.


Girls in eleven shouldn’t dream. We were not allowed that luxury. A lesson I would never learn; no matter what I am robbed off.

An emerald, green dress hugged my waist with wide arms flowing into one with the rest of the dress. Alone with dog on his leash, I made my way downtown past the town square where the preparations for the reaping were well underway. An ally that I had walked down to often, it was strange to think that three years ago I had come here with Marcus. Two strangers who did not know how much they would have had to lose.

To be a stupid 15-year-old again. Certain that I had experienced the worst that was to come, until I met someone worth loosing.

I had promised Marcus coffee after his reaping. A mistake I was not going to make again. Last year I made sure to go before, and this year as well. A bell rang as I pushed the door open to a familiar face behind the counter.

“Hey, T…the usual”

“Yeah, thanks”

I sat myself down on the sofa with dog in my lap. The sun radiant through the glass windows on my skin. I thought of asking my sisters to join me, but this was for me. Falling back into love with the things that had become so dark. Finally, after all these years figuring out who I was. Not the girl who spent her days with drunkards; smiling in their faces taking whatever abuse they had to spout. Not the girl who was lost in sorrow.

My own person.

The coffee burnt my tongue. The fresh taste of hazelnuts lingering like a ghost. It tasted just like the day we had sat here starring awkwardly at each other. I talked to much, trying to fill the silence but now I enjoyed it. The hissing sound of a kettle in the background and the chime of the bell as people walked in and out.

I sat there for an hour maybe. Watching the people, imagining what their lives were like. Wondering if they were caring their own burden, I was certain everyone was.

If there was enough time then I would have sat even longer, possibly the entire day. But Carlo called from behind the counter that it was time and we needed to head out. He was my age, but we weren’t friends. Neighbors grew up two blocks from each other. We walked to the reaping together in silence, just because someone was a constant presence does not mean that you have anything in common.

“You go ahead.” I broke the silence as we arrived at the square. “I need to tie up dog.” There was a place around the corner I knew would be safe. Not even looking back to see if Carlo had really gone on ahead, but he had no real reason to wait.

Kneeling to the ground, I ran my hands through dog’s fur. Smiling as he cuddled up against my leg. I could have sworn he was smiling, happy that I was there.

“You behave yourself alright? I promise I’ll be back soon…you know the drill” I reached into my bag, taking out one of his treats and letting him eat it off my hand. Leaving dog was a bit harder than I thought. Even if I effused to name him, refused to get too attached, he was the constant in my life.

The square was packed when I got back, one of the last to show up. There was no point in showing up too early for this kind of thing. All anyone did was talk through their nerves, some people guessing on who it would be this year. I even knew of some people who would place bets on who’s name would get called out. That almost disgusted me, I had caught some of the patrons at the bar doing exactly last night and it ended up in a screaming match.

This was not the capitol or the career districts, but some people evidently had nothing better to do or to spend their money on.

The crowd settled down quickly as the mayor came on stage. She spoke of the districts hard work for the festivities. What a horrible way to refer to the ordeal, it was a depressing thought. An ever-lingering threat that you might never be able to grow up. A blessing and a curse. For some that meant staying young forever, making the most of the time they had. I had grown up to quickly, never knowing a life without responsibility…what it could have meant to live carefree. Saving that feeling for after today, when it was finally all over.

I promised myself to live life to the fullest, vowing to wake up with a smile every day. I would allow myself to fall in love again, to befriend people without the fear of losing them each and every year.

The escort hovered his fingers over the bowl, and I crossed mine behind my back. My eyes shut close waiting for his voice to call out a name

…Any name.

“Tsiuri Dermott”

He pronounced it wrong. At first there was plausible deniability that it was not my name ringing through the square. I allowed for delusion to convince me that it was not mine. Just some poor sucker who’s resembled my own.

But then someone nudged me, and the delusion faded as I opened my eyes to a circle of people staring at me.

Two years ago, I was ready to volunteer. Something I spent over a year regretting, convinced I could have won where Marcus couldn’t. Now I was dreaming of a future. Be careful what you wish for, my wish that it was me in the games had just been delayed.

I would have followed him into the arena, just the two of us against the world.

One step in front of the other with my eyes looking up to the sky.

“I guess we’ll see each other sooner than we thought” I mumbled to myself. Finally, up on the stage I looked into the crowd nodding my head accepting what was going to happen, mourning the loss of the dream I had allowed myself.

That was when it had hit me…who the fuck was going to take care of dog now?

[Tsiuri accepts her spot ]