English Poetry II. [with Flight]
Dec 4, 2010 23:56:06 GMT -5
Post by sadniss everdeen on Dec 4, 2010 23:56:06 GMT -5
God, here we are again. What is with me and my terrible subjects? Anyway, I require YET ANOTHER poem. And again, it's proved to be rather evil for me to write.
Is that why I'm here? Again? To stroke your ego and maybe say that it isn't as bad as what it really is? Darling; you need help. Honestly.
Well that was uplifting. Here, maybe you people can help me out a bit more?
they called it [sickness of the mind]
nothing but a paranoid lunatic
that takes their moans and whimpers
of illegitimate lust to feel so very alive
Maybe make it more than four stanzas? The 'mind' and 'alive' kinda rhyme, and it screws up the flow. What was it our teacher was talking about transitions? Make it flow. (Despite the fact that he's an idiot and knows nothing at all.)
he doesn't want to create the bruises
that flower along delicate flesh
(because the act is so very barbaric, but the aftermath is a masterpiece)
but the e.v.i.l that lurks inside his hide
takes their (s)creams for his whole
and they
archtwistcry
around the leathers that spr. .ead their legs to him
The whole set up isn't bad, but it contradicts the third stanza. Change one of them to click together.
Ugh, you're hellbent on making me change everything, aren't you?
Yup.
and he runs a tongue
along the shivering skin that secretly
longs for his matyred carress
whores all of them
being filled up inside makes them feel so very
filthyfilthyfilthy
to match his sullied soul that has been tainted since birth
together the nights drag on
with eyes and hands bound prone
he is a pariah amongst his own kind
his foul - trembling - breath makes
rasping knives along their pretty peppered flesh
and the cries as he remembers his childhood against the backseats
when they are finally released upon the world
raw and angry and hurt
he smiles into their broken eyes
Change wording. Lengthen stanzas?
darling
you were just the beginning
Is that why I'm here? Again? To stroke your ego and maybe say that it isn't as bad as what it really is? Darling; you need help. Honestly.
Well that was uplifting. Here, maybe you people can help me out a bit more?
they called it [sickness of the mind]
nothing but a paranoid lunatic
that takes their moans and whimpers
of illegitimate lust to feel so very alive
Maybe make it more than four stanzas? The 'mind' and 'alive' kinda rhyme, and it screws up the flow. What was it our teacher was talking about transitions? Make it flow. (Despite the fact that he's an idiot and knows nothing at all.)
he doesn't want to create the bruises
that flower along delicate flesh
(because the act is so very barbaric, but the aftermath is a masterpiece)
but the e.v.i.l that lurks inside his hide
takes their (s)creams for his whole
and they
archtwistcry
around the leathers that spr. .ead their legs to him
The whole set up isn't bad, but it contradicts the third stanza. Change one of them to click together.
Ugh, you're hellbent on making me change everything, aren't you?
Yup.
and he runs a tongue
along the shivering skin that secretly
longs for his matyred carress
whores all of them
being filled up inside makes them feel so very
filthyfilthyfilthy
to match his sullied soul that has been tainted since birth
together the nights drag on
with eyes and hands bound prone
he is a pariah amongst his own kind
his foul - trembling - breath makes
rasping knives along their pretty peppered flesh
and the cries as he remembers his childhood against the backseats
when they are finally released upon the world
raw and angry and hurt
he smiles into their broken eyes
Change wording. Lengthen stanzas?
darling
you were just the beginning
