Krystal Wyatt- D9

Hi there. Please fix the following things:

1) The play-by that you have chosen is 23 years-old, and she doesn't even vaguely resemble a 12 year old. Please find an appropriately aged face claim if you are going to have one at all.

Krystal looks almost like a typical California girl does today.

2a) Try to avoid the word 'typical' in character applications. Everyone is different, so calling them typical/normal/etc. completely bothers me.

2b) Please don't reference places or things that pertain to today's world. This is a completely different setting on this RP, so you wouldn't be referencing California.

She is also very skinny, almost looking like a district twelve girl weighing at around 65 pounds, but with some good muscle for a girl.

3) 65 pounds is waaaay too small. Think something along the lines of the 90-100 range, maybe even more depending on how much muscle she actually has.

She is deeply tanned so her skin looks like a perfect bronze almost.

4) Please remove the word 'perfect' from that sentence. Perfection is relative and it really doesn't exist, so describing something as perfect is also something to avoid.

Crystal also keeps up with fashions as much as possible from the hunting district.

5a) I would imagine that living in a poor District would severely restrict her fashion sense, even if she is a bit more well-off than other people. Rather than saying that she keeps up with fashion, please go into detail about what she actually wears and how she obtains these clothes.

5b) District Nine is no longer mainly a hunting District, but rather they work to produce materials such as soap, plastic, and gels, along with metal-working.

Her eyes are a shade most people cannot tell, a mix of grey and green, that change by season somehow.

6) Pick a color, gray or green, and stick with it. No magical-changing eye colors.

7) She lacks physical flaws, and these are mandatory. Please give her some flaws, and note that scars do not count unless they are unusually grotesque.

She acts so shallow at school. Only she isn't.

Crystal is much deeper than she lets off, but she just wants to get through school as easy as possible. Every day, she goes home and cries about the people she has hurt over the years, even though she is just twelve she is much older than that. She wonders if she should stop, or if she should just brush off her feelings.

8) So let me get this straight. She makes fun of people and acts shallow to make her life easier, and yet she goes home and cries all of the time? That isn't making her life any easier, so you need a better reason for her to act or truly be shallow.

9) Please give her another clear personality flaw.

If there is anyone to blame for Krystal being so shallow, it is her parents.

10) You just said that her shallow-like actions were an act, but now she is actually shallow? Please fix this to make sense.

This worked for a while, so well that she became a child model. She was her parents dream.

11) No child models in District 9, or any of the Districts for that matter. It's unrealistic.

When Krystal got to school, she used the technique of using her fame to make friends, which worked for a while.

12) Because of the fact that she can't be famous, you'll have to edit this sentence.

Her shallow friends and herself goofed around when hunting, talking about boys and nerds and all that stuff, until a few weeks ago.

13) Again, no hunting. Hunting is probably restricted now to people who have been working at it their entire lives, not children who feel like playing around and joking in the woods.

She became and excellent student and an even better hunter, surpassing most older kids in the district with a bow. But she wasn't happy.

14) This sentence clearly shows me that your character is a Mary-Sue. Please refer to THIS guide and THIS guide to show you what a Mary-Sue is and how you should fix this app.

15) You're missing several letters from the codeword.

Post here when you're done editing!