Kish District 3

n4164
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last seen Dec 14, 2010 18:54:29 GMT -5

Kish District 3 Dec 13, 2010 18:58:54 GMT -5

Post by n4164 on Dec 13, 2010 18:58:54 GMT -5

Name: Kish Walter Davis
Age: 13
Gender: Male
District/Area: District 3
Appearance:

Kish has short blonde hair that he never combs, yet it stays perfectly flat. He is very thinly built, almost deathly so. He is also rather small for his age. His skin is very pale white. He has very thin, withering lips.

Personality:

Kish is very entergetic, and never sits still. He goes off by himself a lot, and prefers to be left alone. Kish often wonders off in search of adventure. He hates peacekeepers, and is known for pranking them. He has a very negative attitude. Because he has no real friends, he finds comfort in animals. Kish prefers to get away from the electronics of district 3, and watch animals in the wild. He is very sensitive of animals. His biggest flaw is his love of being alone. He will not tolerate any other person helping him, so he can never ask for help when he needs it. He never stays in one place longer than he has to. When it comes to other districts, he considers them all a paradise compared to district 3. Kish can turn very unstable when someone makes fun of him.

History:

Kish's dad was very famous for inventing many useful machines. His mother was equally succesful, making weapons for peacekeepers. All throughout his early childhood, he was uncontrolable. He did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. When he was 4 his mom was killed by a group of drunk peacekeepers. Thus began his hatred of them. After his mom's death he became very drawn back. He went away for days at a time, and eventually no one found his dissapearence surprising. Kish has foraged since he was 7, following animals to get some of their food. Kish and his dad seem total opposites, except their hatred to peacekeepers. Kish has always been the opposite of all the other kids in district 3, loving nature instead of technology. Everyone knew how different he was, and normally kept their distance, for fear he would turn unstable.

Codeword:
Comments/Other:

Will not kill no matter how hard he is pushed, or thats what he thinks at least.

Last Edit: Dec 13, 2010 20:32:51 GMT -5 by n4164

Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]
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cozy, queer af

Kish District 3 Dec 13, 2010 19:01:13 GMT -5

Post by Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] on Dec 13, 2010 19:01:13 GMT -5

Hi there. I am going to direct you to THIS link. Please fix the following things so that I can accept your character:

1) Read #1, #2, and #3 (pertaining to the appearance), #5, #24, and #28. It's required that you read through those things and fix each of those problems.

He goes off by himself a lot, so he doesn't ever do much physical work.

2) How would going off by himself a lot have anything to do with the amount of work that he does?

He is very sensitive of animals, and will injure anyone who makes fun of his animals.

3) Erm.. I could understand it if he were a bit upset if someone bashed his animal-watching hobby, but attacking them out of anger for it? That's unrealistic.

His biggest flaw is his love of being alone.

4) If that's his biggest flaw, you're going to have to explain A LOT more about it. How exactly is it a flaw?

He has no real fears because of his constant connection with nature.

5) Please remove that sentence. Everyone has fears, and you don't even give a plausible reason why he wouldn't be afraid of anything.

Kish can turn very unstable when someone makes fun of him, but his hatred of peacekeepers makes him very popular.

6) He hardly ever talks to people, he has a negative attitude, he's unstable, and yet he's popular because of his hatred for peacekeepers? You have to understand: Almost EVERYONE hates Peacekeepers. Even so, I would have a hard time imagining him as someone who is popular at all. It just doesn't work with the traits that you've given him.

When he was 4 his mom was killed. She couldn't meet the quota of new peaceekeeper guns, and outlived her use.

7) They wouldn't kill his mother just because she didn't meet her quota. They would pay her less money, yes, but killing her? No.

Kish has foraged since he was 4, following animals to get some of their food.

8) Please read #17 on that previous list that I linked you to. He would NOT be able to forage for food at the age of 4.

No animal has ever been more loving to Kish than a mouse, which he cared for until it was killed and eaten by peacekeepers. This event brought his hatred of peacekeepers to a whole new level, making him unstable from time to time.

9) Peacekeepers ate and killed his pet mouse..? That would not have happened.

Post here when you're done editing.

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Last Edit: Dec 13, 2010 19:39:52 GMT -5 by Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]

warehouse

n4164
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last seen Dec 14, 2010 18:54:29 GMT -5

Kish District 3 Dec 13, 2010 20:38:37 GMT -5

Post by n4164 on Dec 13, 2010 20:38:37 GMT -5

Dec 13, 2010 19:01:13 GMT -5 Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] said:

Hi there. I am going to direct you to THIS link. Please fix the following things so that I can accept your character:

1) Read #1, #2, and #3 (pertaining to the appearance), #5, #24, and #28. It's required that you read through those things and fix each of those problems.

He goes off by himself a lot, so he doesn't ever do much physical work.

2) How would going off by himself a lot have anything to do with the amount of work that he does?

3) Erm.. I could understand it if he were a bit upset if someone bashed his animal-watching hobby, but attacking them out of anger for it? That's unrealistic.

4) If that's his biggest flaw, you're going to have to explain A LOT more about it. How exactly is it a flaw?

5) Please remove that sentence. Everyone has fears, and you don't even give a plausible reason why he wouldn't be afraid of anything.

6) He hardly ever talks to people, he has a negative attitude, he's unstable, and yet he's popular because of his hatred for peacekeepers? You have to understand: Almost EVERYONE hates Peacekeepers. Even so, I would have a hard time imagining him as someone who is popular at all. It just doesn't work with the traits that you've given him.

7) They wouldn't kill his mother just because she didn't meet her quota. They would pay her less money, yes, but killing her? No.

8) Please read #17 on that previous list that I linked you to. He would NOT be able to forage for food at the age of 4.

No animal has ever been more loving to Kish than a mouse, which he cared for until it was killed and eaten by peacekeepers. This event brought his hatred of peacekeepers to a whole new level, making him unstable from time to time.

9) Peacekeepers ate and killed his pet mouse..? That would not have happened.

Post here when you're done editing. I have finished editing. Sorry about the mistakes.

[/size][/blockquote][/quote]

Prince Inigo
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Your Rightful King!

Kish District 3 Dec 21, 2010 14:56:52 GMT -5

Post by Prince Inigo on Dec 21, 2010 14:56:52 GMT -5

Hey there. You didn't quite fix a couple or so of the things Thundy asked of you to do, particularly the length problem. Your Appearance needs to be two paragraphs, at least, of decent length, and the Personality and History are each three paragraphs of decent length. So, when you do your paragraphs, please put a line space between the potential paragraphs, for easier reading, like what I am doing for this review.

And when your doing the paragraphs, put related data together. So, in example of the Personality, his love of animals could go into one paragraph, his loneliness in another, and whatever else you're going to talk about.

His mother was equally succesful, making weapons for peacekeepers.

I don't think District 3 has the jurisdiction of weapons to Peacekeepers. District 2 is secretly known for producing Peacekeepers, so I would think weapons would also be provided for them. If you're wanting your character's mom to be doing something not related to the factory, I would suggest a very small business of something that would be necessary to the people, like an apothecary.

Kish has foraged since he was 7, following animals to get some of their food.

He wouldn't need to forage for food because he has a successful dad. Explain better on this or find a different reason for wanting to follow animals, especially when he's not a hunter of District 9.

Kish has always been the opposite of all the other kids in district 3, loving nature instead of technology.

You have to be careful of your wording here, because there might be an RPer's character in District 3 that likes animals just like your character, and your wording has that all (including an RPer's character) loved technology.

Everyone knew how different he was, and normally kept their distance, for fear he would turn unstable.

Again with the wording here. What if an RPer's character was actually interested in talking with your character?

You forgot the codeword. It's found in the rules.

Modify the necessary changes and reply back to the thread to get our attention again. Thanks. ^^