Joesph Zazuma d2

Hey Joesph --

Here's some stuff that I think could make your character better.

RE: Appearance

As they've told you before, you can elaborate. So it can be something like "His eyes are as blue as the lakes in District Two. They pierce into other people to make them uncomfortable/they have a dull quality that makes you wonder if he's blind or not." Or something like "His hands are small -- smaller than his face and inconvenient for the work that he tries to do." You know, something that brings in the rest of his life in. Does that whipping show scars? Like that.

RE: Personality

Again with the shooting puppies thing. Why does he hate the Capitol? How does he try to make friends? Does he seem like an interesting person when someone first meets him? Is he initially nice?

How many people does he trust? Does he ever care about his friends?

What do you mean, "weighs his need for vengence?" Does he want to do good things back to whoever helps him? Does it stay on his conscience like karma does?

Scar on his missing eye? [Doesn't that make him blind?] How depressed does he get? Can you hear it in his voice? What is the extent of what he'll do since he's brave?

RE: History

Plans on being brought to a detention facility? Why? Doesn't he want to stay free? Or is he suicidal? Why does he want everyone to know his name?

Wait...didn't anyone check on him or know he existed when his father died? They would have brought him to a community home. Did he escape?

Tell the story of how he was whipped. What was he doing, what did he steal, why he stole it, from whom....

Who was that friend and why was he so special? What is he looking for in a mentor -- someone to set him on the right path or someone to help him in his rebellion cause?

So...yup. You can tell I asked a lot of questions, but that's how you can make your bio longer and better. Be thorough and tell us a story. Good luck! We'll be around if you have any questions. Good grammar and spelling is always appreciated b/c it's easier to read.

You started a sentence in your history section that you never finished:

...he planned to defy the capitol. He plans on .

Finish or remove that, please.

And, as Luna has been saying, he's twelve, so him being an expert at anything is kind of impractical.

He's really good with any weapon including his own voice. He is an expert with scythes.. He practices blocking arrows.

Elaborate on the voice thing if you want to keep it in there. Do you mean that he is charismatic and good at persuading people? If so, how does he get them to listen to him if they think he's mean?

You're honestly better off just getting rid of the scythe thing. He's twelve, so he's not an expert at anything. Yes, this may be district 2, known for training Career tributes to use weapons and things, but (a) scythes are really random weapons to have in d2, where there is no hint of agriculture anywhere (as scythes are used for harvesting grain) (b) they're very difficult to use as weapons since they weren't designed for it, so (c) this leads me to believe that you just want him to have a scythe because you think it's cool, which, is okay to an extent, but really impractical. If anything, change it to him training with scythes, but swords or spears would be more useful to have knowledge in, I must say.

I'd change the wording from "He practices blocking arrows" to "He is attempting to learn how to block arrows." This makes it seem more realistic, and, allows people (like me) who think that your character is sort of deluding himself about his own greatness to continue in such a manner (if you proceed down that path, you're in for a lot of fun. JS.) which makes it a lot more acceptable and reasonable. Remeber, he's a twelve-year-old kid, he's not a god, he's not going to be perfect at anything he does.

And now I'd like to take this point to commend you on sticking with your bio for this long and working with the staff to get it a-okay for acceptance. It takes a lot of patience and determination to keep trying, and I'm honestly amazed that you haven't given up yet, as most people probably would have (and as I would have in your situation.) That takes a lot of character, and a strong will to improve that I can see. If you keep plugging at it and following advice, I can see that you've got a lot of potential, so kudos to you for not being discouraged :)

Ah, I didn't mean go for both sword and scythe, and you kind of missed the point there — he's twelve, so he's not an expert, and he doesn't have a specialty. Say he's learning to use a scythe, fine, but has spent more time with swords? Something to make him seem less like an expert and more towards the novice-average level.

Aside from that, I think he's probably about ready to go, so just fix that and I think he'll be good^^