:.Marcelli.:.:Phote.:{Wanderer}

Hey Glitter!

Alright, let's start this critique:

~~~Appearance~~~

Unruly blonde hair. Honestly, greasy, uncared for and quite uncut. Split ends, oh, trust me. The hair dosent seem to be very cared for, even though the texture is naturally straight. The hair is relativley thin and fair, which may be due to the greasiness of the hair.

First of all, use apostrophes, it's very important to use it correctly. Second, spell check. Relatively is spelled incorrectly, as is blonde (but that's the British spelling, so that's alright). Furthermore, the hair is not thin and fair because it's greasy. The width does not have to do with the greasiness of her hair. Plus, using the word "fair" means that it's considered to be "pretty", which should never be used in a bio - beauty is opinionated. Unless if you mean "light colored" in this case, then it's acceptable.

Her skin is nothing special, fair, with burn marks scortching the hands, and face, because of the chemicals she has worked with over the year. Very noticable little buggars, they are a bright white color to even contrast with her very fair skin. The scars vary in size from the size of a penny to a very long one that runs down the edge of her face, one she usually hides with her hair.

Spell Check: scorching, noticeable, buggers
You can put a semi-color between special and fair instead of a comma. I think it should be "years", not "year", because she worked with chemicals for a long time, correct? At least, this is what I'm getting from the appearance. However, the fact that there are burn marks does not correlate to the fact that she has used chemicals in that past. If anything, it could be because she used an acid or something, but you would have to mention that probably.

Her forehead is next, a rounded one with a slight hairline. Not much of one, but a rounded one. It is pretty wide for a forehead, something she finds a devious flaw in her appearance.

I think you would write "something that she finds to be a devious flaw". It sounds like she found a devious flaw in her appearance, not that she thinks that it's a devious flaw. Do you know what I mean?

Her eyes are next, a muddy hazel color. Not the best looking of her attributes, her eyes are medium sized with thick, droppy eyelashes. The eyes are, obviously, nothing special to her and she regards them as more of a thing to see with and nothing more. She thinks they don't add to her appearance.

Spell Check: Droopy
Once again, it is important to be objective when talking about your character. Do not insert words or phrases such as "she is pretty/beautiful/supermegafoxyawesomehot - just don't. It is best for the reader to decide for themselves whether the character is beautiful or not. You could go around this however, by stating how others may think of her - not how they actually do think of her, but what some tend to think of her. I worded it oddly, but hopefully you get what I'm trying to convey.

Her nose is next, a long, yet thin, nose. It is simply a nose, in all respects. The front is flatter than rounded and it is somewhat a thin, pear shape. It is a decent enough nose, especially in the light of the trees, but it dosen't seem to be the best in other lightings.

Spell Check: doesn't, lighting(s)

You seem to use "Her ___ is next" a few times in this appearance. I would like you to attempt to use more variation in here. Please reword "The front is flatter than rounded", for it seems to be odd; like you are saying that the front is "flatter than rounded", like you're describing rounded as a noun. An example of what I mean is "Vella's nose is as flat as pancakes". You describe her nose like rounded is "pancakes".

Her mouth is rather... small. Small lips, in fact. A salmony color, those lips are. Sure, they may be curved in a decent way. A cupids arrow may sit on the top of the lip, yet, it is still, a small lip.

APOSTROPHES. USE THEM.

You can use Salmon-like color, or something like that if you'd like. Be OBJECTIVE, "curved in a decent way" is not being objective. A "cupid's arrow" (which I have no idea as to what you are referring to), does not have to do with small lips I assume. Please reword this as well.

Her chin is small, a bit clefted and pointy. Not horridly clefted, but enough to see the flaws in her chin. It definitley is not her best feature on earth.

Spell Check: definitely, and clefted is not a word.

A cleft chin is not necessarily a flaw, but you should make sure to write about it in a way that makes it one. It could protrude and make her look manly, etc. Once again, being objective is key in these bios.

Her body is simply... slim? I would think so. She definitley isn't beautifully muscled. She is scrawny. Yes, the word would be scrawny. She seems to not have the amount of food she needs, which is probably from living off of nothing but the plants she can scavenge.

Same as before, attempt to be as objective as possible - It will help your reader decide for themselves.

The clothes she usually wears are pretty basic items of clothing. In the duffel bag that also carried dead bodies. A pair of jeans, a bit battered. Two shirts, and a dingy old sweatshirt she usually tosses onto herself in the evenings. Other than that, there isn't much else she wears, aside from the boots that she wears. Oh, a pair of white socks, but nothing more than that.

In the duffel bag that also carried dead bodies is not a full sentence, please reword this. I understand what you are saying, but try to make it flow better.
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APPEARANCE OVERALL: Use spell check, be objective and make sure that everything flows smoothly.

~~~Personality~~~

It makes no sense whatsoever, but, when your hired to kill someone, yes, it makes plenty sense. It makes sense that the dead body is probably somewhere inside the zipper duffell bag that has been passed through generations of a family. So, have you realized that Marcelli may be the only serial killer who hides her bodies in a duffell bag and then stuffs the body in the woods, amongst the brush and etecetera.

Spell Check: duffel, etc.

Your = possesion
You're = you are

You must remember to use the correct word in this case. I know it sounds similar, but they mean different things.

This makes no sense whatsoever. At all. I'm very confused. Please reword the whole paragraph to make it more understandable. You're saying that she is an assassin (?), right? So then state - she's an assassin, and hides her dead bodies in the duffel bag that her clothes also reside in.

She looks like the type to

How does a scrawny girl look like the type of person who would murder someone by hand?


USE APOSTROPHES.

A bit of rebelliousness lives within Marcelli's brain. Well, who else would disobey the rules of murder? OK, fine, LOTS of rebelliousness lives inside this heart. But, she isn't quite the die-hard rebel that some people imagine everyone with lots of rebellious spirit have. She dosen't hate the capitol. She dosen't 10 have some type of grudge towards them. She just simply disobeys their rules. It is as simple as it gets, in writing, at least.

You go from brain to heart. I understand you wanting to make it creative and all, but it would be worded much better if you say "she's a tad bit rebellious - why would a goody-two-shoes follow the rules?" or something along those lines - you said disobey the rules of murder, which is weird; murder doesn't have rules.

Yes, the serial killer one.

He was a serial killer? What? It'd be better if you told us he was a serial killer rather than assuming that the reader already knows.

Because she suffers from sleep insomnia. She is unable to sleep well.

You're repeating a bit too much. You say Insomnia, then "little sleep", then Insomnia again, then "unable to sleep". It's too repetitive.
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PERSONALTY OVERALL: explain more, less repetition


~~~History~~~

A big crime boom in district 6, simmilar in pattern to todays. Groups of people who are somewhat mentally insecure swept the premisies of the district, flooding the streets with riots etcetera.

Remember that you need to be consistent from past tense to present tense. Since you are talking about something that happened in the past, use past tense.

It sort of was a normal lifestyle.

What is normal anyways? Nothing is normal. Of course, I understand what you mean, but perhaps you could use a different word, like stereotypical.

one of the most valuable items she could covet

Why does she think this is a valuable item? Simply because it's a family tree? It would be a good idea to explain

It was liquid, so it blended into the coffee he had right away.

Not all liquid is soluble; it'd be better if you said that the liquid dissolved easily than saying that it mixed into the coffee because it was liquid. Also, does the poison taste like anything? I would assume that if the victim tasted the poison, they'd spit it out.
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HISTORY IN GENERAL: explain more. Also, I understand that it's a family business, but how do they know who to kill? Who tells them?
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Basically your bio is a bit awkward at some points, but with a bit of tweaking, it'll be fine. I'm sorry for being such an annoying person, but it does need a bit of work.

It's mostly grammar and explanations, that's all.

I know she can't join Stained Transactions, but perhaps if she has nothing better to do, she can join the Uprising?

You know the drill: reply after you're done, and another staff member or myself will get to it in a little while ^^

Do me a favor and don't blockquote around the images? It's stretching the board. {this is the only thing I will be adding}