Marci Glee- Capitol

Hey there. Welcome to the site. ^^

Generally, we would like for you to write more sentences to the sections. Anyways, I think it is best for you to look at this guide and the following bullets I'm going to point out.

Here
Please look at #1, #2, and possibly #4.

As for #4, it's because of how you set her up to be. Not only does her appearance probably seem strange for Panem (I don't think there would be technology advanced enough to put in feathers on someone, but you can try to ask one of the admin) but she is bullied in school for her plumpness, hardly sees her parents but is - for the most part - fine with it, and some word choices and events you put in make her seem honorable/beautiful or implausible to happen. As this, for example:

One year she put whoopee cushions near the wheels of the horses. This was blamed on an avox.

This would mean that she had gotten in the back or building where the carriages are and literally put the cushions under them. I highly doubt the security would let a teen like her get on through; she is pretty vibrant (according to the appearance) that she could probably be seen from anywhere.

In order for us to see what you mean in certain cases, you should give more explanation. She's average, but her parents say she's precocious? Unless they find her their wonder child, I don't exactly think so. And why would her peers bully her for plumpness if she's 'beautiful'? You didn't give much emphasis on the word 'beautiful' (in context to how 'precocious' can be a compliment) possibly being a sarcastic remark.

Your History is teeming with opportunities for explanation. She's bullied but they wanted to be her friend in the first place. She's trained in weapons in case her family could be downgraded but for what reason would they be possibly downgraded for? Not to mention I don't think many of those weapons would be available for extensive use in the Capitol, but you can ask another staff or admin for that.

Please look up definitions of words that are not commonplace before using them in sentences. A 'martyr' is as follows:

–noun
1.
a person who willingly suffers death rather than renounce his or her religion.
2.
a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice.
3.
a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering: a martyr to severe headaches.
4.
a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

As the first two definitions refer to death, I might say this is the more common usages of the word 'martyr'. Even if you wanted to try to use the word 'martyr' in the sense that she suffers a lot, being bullied and not having your parents around probably doesn't amount to being called a 'martyr'; all the while, you didn't hint that the kids were sneering at her about being a 'martyr' (in an insulting fashion), so I think this word was out of place for her.

If I sound mean or strict, I apologize. I don't mean to come off that way. I just hope you understand what I mean by these points.

Please modify your post of the necessary changes and reply to the thread confirming you made them to give us a head's up that you're ready for another review. Thank you. ^^