Magnus Korral, District 6

Dylan Johnson
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3 POSTS
last seen Mar 2, 2011 18:27:03 GMT -5

Magnus Korral, District 6 Feb 14, 2011 2:13:48 GMT -5

Post by Dylan Johnson on Feb 14, 2011 2:13:48 GMT -5

Name: Magnus Korral
Age: 15
Gender: Male
District/Area: District 6
Appearance:

He has long fine brown hair that ends at his shoulders, he is about 5'11 and is about 190lbs. , he is in-shape and has no problem showing himself off.
He is Caucasian, but slightly tan, he has broad-shoulders. He wears a brown coat, black jeans, & a white belt.

He chooses to keep his hair long to commemerate his friend who was killed by the peacekeepers, because his friend had long hair. Also he wears a necklace with half of a Ying-Yang symbol, the other half was the necklace his friend dropped that got him killed.

Personality:

He is noble, he is the guy who steps up for the kid that is getting bullied, he is loud and sometimes doesn't think before he talks. He is often in trouble and out of line. His biggest problem is his hot-headedness and that he never listens to instrctions.

Magnus has taken classes in medicine and is very resourceful, he has no problem killing, just like he has no problem reviving. He is not perfect at healing but can do pretty good job.

Magnus is passionate, he would die for someone he loves. He is always in the fray, and wants the spotlight. So basically he is a knuckle-head.

History:

Magnus, is from District 6, his parents have always been there for him, and have always healed him when he gets sick, he has been anxious about the games seeing as how he is in the age range of being a tribute.

He has always excelled in school until he was 15 and he started struggling, he has become extremely distracted, he has been training and training, and his school mates say he is as tough as a career. However, his speed is lacking, and his bulky frame slows him down. Him and his friend collect emptied crates and fill them with differant objects to add weight and they work out & play games with them.

His best friend was killed when when he dropped his necklace and kicked when he was walking, and it fell by the fence he went over the grab it and then the peacemakers attacked him. Magnus has since resented the Capitol.

Codeword: odair
Comments/Other:

Last Edit: Feb 22, 2011 23:15:46 GMT -5 by Dylan Johnson

aya
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6,261 POSTS
last seen Sept 15, 2024 22:06:23 GMT -5

"GUNNERRRRR~"

Magnus Korral, District 6 Feb 14, 2011 17:28:57 GMT -5

Post by aya on Feb 14, 2011 17:28:57 GMT -5

Sorry to do this so impersonally, but we're pretty backed up at the moment. Please look over This Thread, particularly numbers two and five. Please elaborate more on your history, especially in regards to the third paragraph about the Peacekeepers. Post a reply to this thread when you've edited.

[/blockquote]

{characters}

certified kindergartener
stranded in "beach" "city"
leader of the crystal gems

Dylan Johnson Seam Resident 3 POSTS last seen Mar 2, 2011 18:27:03 GMT -5	Magnus Korral, District 6 Feb 21, 2011 17:13:31 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Dylan Johnson on Feb 21, 2011 17:13:31 GMT -5 Done editing

Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]
Retired Staff

6,346 POSTS
Pronouns: He/Him
last seen Nov 17, 2023 15:15:56 GMT -5

cozy, queer af

Magnus Korral, District 6 Feb 21, 2011 23:57:17 GMT -5

Post by Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] on Feb 21, 2011 23:57:17 GMT -5

Hi there.

So you don't even have the minimum number of paragraphs, and that should usually be #1 on your priority list when creating a character here. This rule was put in simply to force people to add more information, in turn allowing the character to be believable and detailed. So this is why I must insist that you add another paragraph onto the appearance of this app, and generally lengthen all of the other paragraphs.

At the same time, what are his flaws? A character is a person, and everyone has flaws both inside and out. How is he flawed physically? What about his personality?

Along with that, most of your sentences seem to be short, most likely because of the lack of detail in the information. Take this sentence, for example:

He has long brown hair that ends at his shoulders, he is about 5'8 and is average weight, he is in-shape and has no problem showing himself off.

His hair ends at his shoulders, yeah? That is particularly long for a boy's hair, so why is that? Does he choose not to cut it? Why? On the other hand, what is the texture of his hair? Fine, wavy, curly? What is "average weight"? What does he do to keep in shape? I can't stress enough how important it is to add detail like this to your sentences. Please read through each of your sentences and find new ways to expand on the information, as it will also help with lengthening your paragraphs.

Also, please note that Careers can only exist in District One, Two, and Four. There is no training for the Games in any of the other Districts, so please remove everything Career-related from this app.

For now, I believe that's it. Post here when you're done editing!

[/size][/blockquote]

warehouse

Dylan Johnson Seam Resident 3 POSTS last seen Mar 2, 2011 18:27:03 GMT -5	Magnus Korral, District 6 Feb 22, 2011 23:16:05 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Dylan Johnson on Feb 22, 2011 23:16:05 GMT -5 There we go

Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]
Retired Staff

6,346 POSTS
Pronouns: He/Him
last seen Nov 17, 2023 15:15:56 GMT -5

cozy, queer af

Magnus Korral, District 6 Feb 23, 2011 17:47:07 GMT -5

Post by Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] on Feb 23, 2011 17:47:07 GMT -5

So it doesn't really seem as if you put much effort into expanding on your information, so please remember to focus on lengthening your sentences and adding detail. The more you think about your character, the more developed and believable the character will be, and that's what we're aiming for here. ^^ However, this doesn't mean that I want you to put commas everywhere and combine sentences just to make them longer. So next I need for you to fix your sentences and punctuation, because at the moment they're a bit awkward. For example:

He has long fine brown hair that ends at his shoulders, he is about 5'11 and is about 190lbs. , he is in-shape and has no problem showing himself off.

Here is the same sentence punctuated correctly:

He has long, fine brown hair that ends at his shoulders. He is about 5'11 and 190lbs, and he is in shape. He has no problem showing himself off.

I am going to direct you to THIS link and insist that you read #2 on that list. These sentences are technically correct, but they are awkward and choppy, and they lack detail. So that brings me back to the detail part of this application.

Please do not copy this next sentence, as I am going to show you how I would phrase it.

The hair on top of his head is long and brown, ending just above his shoulders and acting lifeless and thin at best. He stands at about 5'11 and weighs about 190 pounds, and much of that weight is comprised of strong, lean muscle that he gained by working out and staying in shape. He has no problem showing himself off...

And I would end there because I honestly have no idea why he doesn't have a problem showing himself off. You must understand that there is a reason behind everything that a character does, and you seriously have to understand those reasons to roleplay well. But do you see the difference? I simply thought outside the box some for a different way to phrase the sentences, and it sounds much better. Also, there is length there that wasn't there before. I didn't even add any more information, I simply rephrased what you already told me.

HERE is a good example of an application that has good detail and flow. This is generally what we ask for when looking to accept an app, so keep that in mind.

Oh, one last thing. I did say to remove everything Career-related from the application, and that does include training in general as well. Please make sure to remove everything training-related. ^^ Post here when you're done editing! And good luck.