Blake Beitler D3 (done)

magnet Merchant [M:-70] 109 POSTS last seen Oct 14, 2011 20:21:34 GMT -5 Raphale Grey D5 FTW	Blake Beitler D3 (done) Feb 1, 2011 23:25:04 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by magnet on Feb 1, 2011 23:25:04 GMT -5 done

Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]
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cozy, queer af

Blake Beitler D3 (done) Feb 3, 2011 0:32:57 GMT -5

Post by Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] on Feb 3, 2011 0:32:57 GMT -5

Hi there. ^^ I am going to direct you to THIS link and insist that you read #2 on that list, particularly concerning his appearance.

Also, please add more information into his personality that actually has to do with his traits. How does he act and think and feel? You barely talk about these items.

It is unrealistic that he would start working so early in his life. Perhaps he is simply learning from his father/helping him out some at this point in time rather than actually working? Make sure to include more about his history when you're done, because I expect that you'll have to remove those last two paragraphs.

Post here when you're done editing. ^^

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warehouse

magnet Merchant [M:-70] 109 POSTS last seen Oct 14, 2011 20:21:34 GMT -5 Raphale Grey D5 FTW	Blake Beitler D3 (done) Feb 3, 2011 3:00:58 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by magnet on Feb 3, 2011 3:00:58 GMT -5 fixed

Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]
Retired Staff

6,346 POSTS
Pronouns: He/Him
last seen Nov 17, 2023 15:15:56 GMT -5

cozy, queer af

Blake Beitler D3 (done) Feb 3, 2011 23:51:03 GMT -5

Post by Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] on Feb 3, 2011 23:51:03 GMT -5

You still need to lengthen some of your sentences some, because they sound awkward and list-like. For example: "He is a little heavy for his age and height weighing 157 pounds," can just as easily be changed to "He is a little heavy for his age and height because of [something here], weighing a good 157 pounds." WHY is your character the way that he is? Where does he get some of his traits? What does he think of these traits? Everything can be expanded to make the sentences flow a bit better, so please make another attempt. ^^

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warehouse

magnet Merchant [M:-70] 109 POSTS last seen Oct 14, 2011 20:21:34 GMT -5 Raphale Grey D5 FTW	Blake Beitler D3 (done) Feb 10, 2011 1:54:31 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by magnet on Feb 10, 2011 1:54:31 GMT -5 Hopefully done. I know this isn't the best but I want to get this guy in the games.

shrimp
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Blake Beitler D3 (done) Feb 14, 2011 18:10:58 GMT -5

Post by shrimp on Feb 14, 2011 18:10:58 GMT -5

:[shrimp, eh]:

You don't have to say that he doesn't have piercings. It's assumed that he doesn't if you don't mention that in his bio.

His BMI is in the normal range, closer towards underweight, so perhaps if you say he's a bit heavy, he should be a tad bit overweight/on the heavier side of "normal range". Look at a site with a BMI calculator for more help, like this one: link

British accents? No, I don't think so. That isn't how he would talk in District 3. Instead, he would simply have a District 3 accent. It's not logical for him to have one. Perhaps he simply sounds slightly different, but a British accent is just really not...

The way you say he has a scar just from falling implies that he is rather delicate, hurting himself very easily. If you don't want this trait, remove it. If you do, perhaps accentuating it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

I'd like you to add another flaw to his appearance. It could be greasy hair, pimples, anything really.

simulation inventor? I don't know what that is, but it's probably alright... You should explain what it is in the bio so others know what he wants to be as well.

I highly doubt that he would be going to the Capitol with his father unless if his father was highly innovative and famous enough to be under the Capitol's radar, which would probably make them rather rich.

Just reply after you've edited and we'll look it over again^^

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shrimp
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Blake Beitler D3 (done) Mar 15, 2011 22:37:44 GMT -5

Post by shrimp on Mar 15, 2011 22:37:44 GMT -5

Once again, if you don't mention something in the bio, we can assume that it is simply not on the body, like piercings.

I'd still like you to explain what a simulation inventor does - what do you mean by simulation?

The rest is fine, I think. Just remove that bit on piercings (and add something else to fill in that space that's been deleted), and talk more about simulations, and you'll be fine.

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