Developing (Life) [[Shrimp, Chase]] [Finished]

(Chase: You have a sense of description that's simple and refreshing, so that's good. We certainly don't need to be overbearing on details. xD It's good to see that we saw what Annalise was doing before coming to District 5. It's a nice-sized post and encompasses three of the things stressed by the Tutors: description, thoughts, and action. Now, then, let's see on some improvements...

I have noticed you are massive user of commas, and I am too. I love commas; however, I also noticed you use them in awkward, improper places. Commas should be remembered as a short little pause. I'll quote one that seemed awkward.

It was upsetting really, how this turned to be.

This one seems it would be better if it was: "It was upsetting, really, how this turned to be." Try imagining it without that 'really' there.

It was upsetting how this turned to be.

Other than the missing 'out' - which I assume you omitted while writing - it should flow better with commas around 'really' or no commas without 'really'.

You also have this thing of hitting 'enter' once to create something like this:

With an OOMPH! I landed on the hard-packed soil. Careful to bend my knees, I fell off my feet, and performed a clumsy somersault, somehow coming to my feet yet again. <-----
I glanced around, and noticed the sign attatched to the gate. 5, it read. So close to home, yet so far away.
I struggled to remember District 5's industry... and failed. Guess I hadn't studied so hard in school after all.

I don't know what's it's supposed to accomplish, but I think it should be a single form. Like so:

With an OOMPH! I landed on the hard-packed soil. Careful to bend my knees, I fell off my feet, and performed a clumsy somersault, somehow coming to my feet yet again. Recovering from the roll, I glanced around, and noticed the sign attached to the gate. 5, it read. So close to home, yet so far away. I struggled to remember District 5's industry... and failed. Guess I hadn't studied so hard in school after all.

"Recovering from the roll,..." is what I would do to soften the transition.

Perceived a lot of "I, me, my" starters for sentences. This is pretty minor; but, this will make your posting seem much less repetitive and professional: attempt to use different words - only one time - per paragraph. If you don't get what I mean, take a look at my first paragraph. In my first paragraph, for sentence starters, I used: 'bright', 'no', 'sunshine', 'she', 'teal', 'her', and 'letting'. You don't have to follow it this strictly (it would also include not being able to use: 'it', 'the', 'a', 'an', etc), but it will get rid of some repetition. I know I can't expect too much without "I, me, my" - since it is first-person - but I do want to see more adjectives, adverbs, verbs, and other words used first from you.

You have some common spelling errors that have repeated, like 'untill' for 'until'. If you don't get the colored squiggly lines some browsers do, it would be best to just reread or be extra cautious.

Annalise's thoughts and opinions aren't given much explanation or detail, which I think could be one way to make this post bigger. For instance, she found it odd that Lily was pregnant... but there is bound to be some teen pregnancy everywhere; so, out of all the girls she could have seen, why was Lily's odd? District 4 probably also had their share of pregnant girls, so why did a District 5 girl's seem strange?

My suggestions:
-- Removing the single enter key spaces creating those awkwardly formed paragraphs
-- Omitting awkward comma placement. Read aloud to yourself and use commas as pauses if that helps; and, don't forget that you can use long dashes, semicolons, and parenthesis (in their proper uses) instead of commas
-- Expounding/explaining notions, especially if they go against common thought
-- Make smoother transitions between actions
-- Weaning off of the "I, me, my" sentence-starters for paragraph; one do one of each per paragraph if you want, but don't do it anymore after that
-- Minor note: For first-person posts, add the character's full name in each post. It would be a convenience for others in case they forgot who you're RPing as.)

Watching the children playing, the blond girl began to reminisce about her entire life. How the loneliness ate her, the days waiting for a patriarchal figure to return, a mother that had withered too early, times gaining and losing friends - once to death, once to punishment. Called many an insult by now, she could not figure out if she was now immune to such verbal lashes. Children saying that she was a whore's daughter; but, by the context of the story repeated over and over again, her father was a wanderer, a heart that held honesty yet could not stay in a single place, she thought. Sometimes the notion questioning the reason for being tortured came up; but, all this time, she had tried her best to swallow down the sadness, and still continued to do so. Portrayal of a weakling after 17 years was not going to be tolerated.

She did not notice - during her pondering - that an unknown person had taken a seat next to her; and, upon the realization, the girl was started. Compared to herself, this girl - by the looks of it, younger - was slightly taller, which somehow struck a silent funny bone. Sticking out more the pale skin of the face were the beauty marks - the reason for their existence not figured out by the pregnant one. This girl taking a bold seat on the bench with her frazzled the mind, unable to think any words or cohesive thoughts. Feeling unusually awkward about the shock, silence befell, a period of unsettling emotion.

Another courageous action moved the air. Teal orbs took a few seconds to blink as the blond girl received a greeting beyond an insult or implications to degrading her being. Simplicity in the form of a 'hi' and introduction of name-exchange, the entire situation was rare for the girl. A fist rose to the collarbone, weak in energy, sort out of habit. Only after those few seconds of silence were up did the girl attempt to smile truthfully, putting out a toothy grin and a relaxed look. "H-Hi! Nice to meet you, Sundra. Um... I'm Lily." Nod. "Lily Cochon."

Upon spitting words, Lily slowly turned her head, blinking confusion. Eyes widened then reverted back to normalcy. This girl, the blond mentally said to herself, was recognizable; and, she told herself not to blurt anything yet. Sneering, the tone of the newcomer's was, and the pregnant girl treated it as if it was normal play. "No... Well... only a nanny when I go to school, of course. I wouldn't be 'screwing around' other... erm... 'chaps'. Why would I want to ruin their time?" Shaking her head, the blond continued, out of exclamation and surprise than shouting, "We're not friends! We only just met... um... what's your name?"

Strength... I can definitely survive!

Annalise Chambers
Laughing at the other girl's comment, I turn back to Lily. How is she keeping her attitude in check? Here I am insulting her to her face, and she still doesn't snap back at me, or raise her fist, prepared for a fight. Maybe she's just one of those push-over types.

Turning back to the other girl (I have yet to hear her name), I plant my greatest sneer on my face, my blue eyes flashing with annoyance. "Do you know who the hell I am?" I stand from the rough bench I had been sitting on, and advance on the no-namer. "I have been through hell and back, and you think she has had it worse?" I gesture wildly at the pregnant girl, observing the scene unfolding before her. "I have been through hell and back, so don't you dare say I don't know shit!"

I unsheath the knife I always keep in my handy belt, and raise it to her face. "Do you not recognize this face? You have surely seen me on T.V. before. Isn't everyone supposed to watch the Hunger Games?" I smile, although it is really more like a grimace. This stranger has brought on my dark side. A side I have so carefully kept hidden from the public. If I were to be found by the Capitol, I would surely be turned to an Avox, and forced to work for the lazy Capitolites. Or, would they treat a past victor like that?

I put my blade back in it's holder, and turn away from the girl. "Just don't forget who you're messing with." I make my tone sound sad. Depressed. The images of the arena always come back to haunt me. Although what I have told this stranger is an empty threat, if she were to come onto me, I would surely react.

And that would surely result in her death.

Lily looked back and forth at the two girls, brows knit, a prominent frown plastered on. Unsettling emotions floated in the atmosphere, and the blond lowered her head much like a shameful dog. She had shrunk, going into some little ball. Her hands scratched at each other against her belly, anxious, hesitant. Words clogged in her air pipes, unable to escape as the air seemed to grow danker in awkward quality. Teal irises also noted the background people surveying the little spat between the three females. Some women shook their heads with their children; some men went elsewhere.

Unable to speak out, the pregnant blond attempted to raise a hand in objection, yet she seemed ignored. Sundra demanded that the District 4 Victor apologize; and, while Lily appreciated the sentiment, she could not cease the blood rush traveling to her face, which made the girl try to look away, a deeper frown on. She resisted the urgency to simper or smile honestly. Instead, Lily sat on the bench as such, almost shying away from the matter at hand.

She gaped her mouth slightly as Annalise did as per Sundra's commands. Guilt rose from her heart, and she showcased the emotion by playing with her fingers a little. Along with the action corresponding with surrender, a passerby woman relayed the defending girl a message of sincere apology. Lily tilted her head a tad, yet she held a qualm that inhibited her curiosity to be displayed. This District 5 girl smothered the compulsive inquiry; the woman's tone expressed solemn concern, which Lily did not feel she should intrude upon.

Some feeling dictated that she should not stay, even when her newfound care for Sundra and, perhaps, Annalise was immense. Lily tried to figure out the origin of the internal butting of head, but she tossed attempting to pinpoint to the sound at the moment. Horribleness gushed out from her heart at the notion of leaving the two to their own devices and depressions, but she mentally shook her head. She did not know these girls well enough to suggest anything. Other than the procedure of comfort, she knew absolutely nothing on their mind processes, behavioral patterns, or the like.

After rising from the bench slowly and carefully, Lily said, "It's okay, Annalise. Really! I can't help what others think of me, but I can certainly try my best to smile. I'm really happy, though, that you said sorry." She turned to Sundra with a grin. "Thank you so much, Sundra. It was really nice of you... And if you need any help, you can always come see me. I don't think it's the right moment to ask right now." Turning away, she was ready to take off. "Um... it was nice meeting you two. I hope to see the both of you in the near future."

Though she did not exactly want to, the girl left them alone, an uneasy feeling choking her. Lily did wish they would meet again sometime; her departure was too quick and impolite, she thought.

I'll never be good...