Alex. Is. Writing. A. Book.

I think the first thing you need to do is give either 1) a brief outline of the story or 2) write out a summary. I'm sure you have it all worked out in your mind or on a separate sheet of paper, but for the reader's sake, you might want to include something so they know what's going on. For example, I didn't know that Daryn and Morith were twins until late into the sample.

I feel like the thing with twin telepathy is more of a nearby connection than far. Of course, there have been numerous stories that challenge that idea so it all depends on the level of realism you're aiming for this.

When you have thoughts, I feel like they could be a bit more distinctive about who is thinking and who is receiving. The first part seems okay, but as you move on (and I'm pretty sure it's because you're getting your ideas into a concrete form), the line starts to blur and I begin to wonder who is thinking at that moment.

At fourteen years old his sister always seemed childish to Daryn

Is Daryn 14 years old or his sister?

He's that way.

I think intuition needs another formatting tag. The only reason why I say this is because you make a clear distinction between intuition and the twins' thoughts, but the end reader can't see the difference. Food for thought.

pushed over by a wave of horror. It had to be Daryn then

So can we assume that other people can also invade minds? That the twins' connection is not just limited to them? Clarification on this part would help the reader understand whether their connection is strictly theirs or if it extends to others in the story.

had a thing to drink since the cell door had first slammed shut

I'm going to have to ask what the timetable of this is. Realistically speaking, one can survive without water for 8-14 days. And that's assuming that the person hasn't been going through a high rate of water loss.

I don't know why you dislike Cora so much; her personality is so earthy and real. >.>

NO it WON'T! Nothing's alright! It's all my fault!

I'm a bit confused. Didn't Morith reassure Daryn not too long ago that he's fine? Or was that Daryn's thought?


Anywho, that's all the comments I have for the sample.