Take a Moment

-paws head- I just had to get this out. It's been bothering me for ages...and if it feels like it's really random, that's probably because I wrote it as I was going through. So no plot, no message. It's just me writing.

~
Do you feel like an empty shell, staring at nothing? Your eyes are trained at the wall, the screen, the print in your hands, but they do nothing more than that. It’s like you can see, but there is nothing you’re seeing. And when you try to tap into your emotions, you find nothing. You want to panic, you want to retreat, but you can’t. Because all you can do is sit and stare.

Does your heart break slowly, ripping into shreds? You tell yourself to stop it, that it’s not healthy, but you can’t keep yourself away. So you wallow up in self-pity until you can’t take it anymore. And then you stand up. And then you look at the doorway. And then you turn around and hope that your inner world will treat you much better than the world you live in. Because anything is better than hell, right?

Do you ever look at that rope, or the cord, or the scarf? They all used to mean something to you. That rope was the one your father gave you when you first went sailing with him. That cord proved that you were an honors student and that you graduated showing your pride. That scarf was given to you by a best friend, one who lived many miles away but you still feel dearly about. But all of that love, all of that meaning is now gone, as if the wind blew it all away.

Do you wish that you didn’t exist, that you were never born, conceived, thought about? Wouldn’t life be so much easier for you, for everyone, if you weren’t there to take up space? You are so sure that God never wanted you there, that your creation was honestly a mistake. You hear everyone telling you that you are special, that you mean something to them, and you hate them. You hate those words, because they feel empty to you. They’re just sounds, nothing more. And you hate sound. Sound never gave you anything.

Do you hate questioning yourself, wondering if you really are who you say you are? Life is supposed to be full of questions, but you want answers. You don’t want those question marks floating in front of your face, taunting you to make your move. They’re annoying, why doesn’t anyone else see that? There you go, another question. You just want to tear your hair away and it hurts so much that you decided to shave your head, to make a change. But you can still see the scratch marks as you beg those voices to stop, whether they are real or not. You just want them to go away.

But have you ever experienced love? Have you ever experienced friendship, family, happiness? If you have, then you will know…you will know that all of those dark thoughts don’t need to be there. You will know that not all of those words are empty, that not all of them are just sounds. There are different feelings, emotions that can support them. You will know that you still have a life to live, that no one should be the one to take it, not even you. You will know that while you might feel powerless now, you are a strong person. You can make a difference to this world just by living, by breathing, by smiling.

So smile. Wave to your friends. No one is forcing you to stay in this world, but no one is forcing you to get out either. It’s your choice. It’s your mind. It’s your heart. So listen…and I’ll understand. I’ll understand every decision you make. I might not be happy about it, but I’ll support you. Because that’s what you wanted and who am I to say no? Who am I to stop you from what your heart is telling you? I just ask that you listen. You listen hard, okay? Because I want you to be able to say that you’re sure that this is the right decision. And I don’t want you to regret it later on. Listen…just listen.
~

Upon re-reading this, it sounds stupidly naive. >.<" Blah. I hate my mind sometimes.