Always on my Mind // Shael
Mar 27, 2011 23:04:03 GMT -5
Post by Vulnerable on Mar 27, 2011 23:04:03 GMT -5
When taking off your clothes
Everything hidden is suddenly exposed
Tip tap, click clock, pitter patter. All of the sounds her feet could made as he moved forward on the side walk in District Six. An innocent little smile had crept along her face, above that sharp jawline of hers and her brown hair shown in the sun. She always come out on a sunny day, seeing the beauty that life had to hold in store for her. Nothing could ruin her, not a single insult could bring her down on perfect days such as these. That's why she kept that smile, knocking away any sense of insecurity in the air. She was innocent, a trait that was commonly not seen anywhere in any district anymore. Many people had realized by now that innocence was not something that was truly there, it was a simple illusion. But if anyone had it, it was her. She expected the best in people, thought everyone was nice. She was changed over time by the one thing that had made her this way and one of the many medical or technological things that they had developed here in District Six. Morphling, the pain killer that many people used to be put out of their misery of they had a supply of it. But, she used it for self satisfaction and nothing more. It did have some startling side effects on her sanity though. Such as the fact that she has moments where she thinks she sees humans or animals when they aren't really they. Little side effects such as mood swings, things that scare people away from here when she just wants to be liked by someone that thinks she is normal. Someone that relates her to being like someone else, a personal of normality, someone to be her good influence. A friend.
But that thought was never spoken aloud and never was to be spoken aloud. It was a thought that she did not know about as of yet, that she had wanted a friend, that she had wanted to be normal like everyone else. But even she knew she would never be normal again, the side effects had hit her too hard. But, she didn't know that she wanted to be normal. For all she knew, she could have wanted to stay like this forever. It was highly possible that was going to happen, right? That she would never have that good of luck, because like everyone else, she was just a singular human being with problems. Didn't everyone problems? They couldn't be as severe as the one that she had had for a while, could they? The drugs had ruined her, turned her into slush, made her vulnerable and weak. It was a horrible feeling when she did finally let it through the bars to her heart, but she repelled it. Repelling them did help her, it kept her in the bright and happy move that she had insisted on keeping because of how easily she could tumble down if she wasn't the person she was. The happy, innocent, almost blissful girl that she was. Hell, even the way she walked would tell you that. It was almost like you were watching someone dance down a side walk. That's how silly the walk was; a little dance, primped and poised to be correct with many little cute leg movements here and there. Shakes of the body, of the arms and neck. It was odd, surely, but she didn't mind the eyes that crept upon her when she did it. She ignored them all, and only paid attention to herself and the beautiful world around here. Not the world's people.
She found a little patch of grass all by itself and sat down onto it, reaching into her pocket and pulling out one of those pills. A pill of morphling, which could have been through a fluid with an IV, but she didn't have access to the IV form now did she want to bring attention to herself through the us of said device. Which, was why the pill was perfect. She took it before anyone could notice and laid back in the beautiful green grass, ignoring the current weather and looking up at the beautiful sky. It was warm out even if the weather hadn't been good as of late, but that was the lovely part of it. She couldn't care less about the weather, she could go out in any temperature if she had willed herself to. A little girl that looked similar to herself, who was not real by any standard to the people around her, laid next to her and looked up at the sky with her. She asked a simple question in a very childish tone of voice, "It's so beautiful out today, isn't it?" A hallucination of her little sister and what she would imagine her to look like at this time if she were still alive. Adorned in a beautiful dress that almost looked like a monarch butterfly, which were mostly long gone by now, and with her hair in a ponytail, she looked like a girl from the Capitol. A rare site in any district, indeed. But, this was her sister, her dead sister, the one that she had cared about so much. She didn't want her to see her in this state, and she had never seen her when she was so ill. Only this hallucination brought up by the pain killers had seen her like this, but the image was false. That didn't mean that she knew this, as she thought that the hallucinations were true, for the most part.
A little whimper had come out of Fey's mouth as she looked over at her beautiful sister, as a girl from the Capitol. She had always wondered if there was a life after death for the people that died in the Arena or for the people that had died of hunger, or maybe just died in general, like her sister did. Illness was the cause of her death, nothing could change that. But, Fey had always thought that if there was, it would be like going to the Capitol. The city was beautiful there, or, what she could see from any interview there was from people in the Arena with one of those interviewers. The people may not have been the most normal people in the world, many of them being able to glutton a lot of food down without worry and dye their skins various shades of odd color, but it was truly a paradise there. It had everything everyone else wanted, a sense of beauty and a sense of wealth. But, what they didn't have was a sense of peace. Who's idea was it to make a 'game' where so many innocent children and teenagers die in a bloody battle to the death? Fey could never wish that upon someone, but many people in the Capitol found it to be full blown out entertainment. Crazy; that's what they were. Crazier than she was. If that was possible. To her, it probably wasn't. She acknowledged the crazy that she had. She had a neutral feeling towards it, despite wanting to get rid of it constantly. "Yes, it is lovely out here," She let out a little giggle and stared up at that sky. So beautiful, she was right. It was, always had been, always will be to her. It didn't matter what was happening in that sky, because it would truly be the most beautiful thing in the world and nothing could replace that. Except, maybe the flowers that she had caught a glimpse of every once in a while, ".. Why did you leave me?" Suddenly, the conversation with the younger girl had turned grim. Fey turned her head to look at the girl, in all her false hood, when she had asked the question.
"Things change all of the time, Fey. I change too. You changed. We all leave eventually," The short, but sweet answer of dying of hunger would have upset Fey. But the hallucination had given her the answer she wanted to hear. It was like music to her ears at the hallucination became transparent, "I'll come back some day." The little girl got out and walked away, back onto the side walk and down the road a little bit before she had vanished with no trace.
"... Bye," Fey said as shyly as could be as the girl walked away and vanished. It seemed like it was supposed to have a positive impact on her, but she was left to wallow in sorrow and pity, feeling like she missed something this whole time. Feeling like she would always miss something, because her sister had walked away from her. Even though she realized, in a lucid moment, that the hallucination was not real, she still felt awful every time that the good ones went away. Why did they always leave her behind? Her sister had done that once before; why did they have a thought to run from her again? A little cry exited the girl's mouth, Fey curling up into a little ball on the ground and whistling out a known tune to try and calm herself down. It was simple, and one of the only ways she knew that could calm herself down. The looks and stares that she got suddenly hurt her, they were like daggers being thrown at her from a part. Like always, she ended up feeling as if she was a contestant in one of those Hunger Games. Battered, brutalized, victimized, whatever word you want to describe the fact that she had been betrayed, or had felt like she had been.
She should just give up those silly little dreams of hers, shouldn't she? Stop laying down on the ground and crying over something she knew wasn't real. But she couldn't help that surge of pain that ran through her light a bolt that hit the ground from the clouds above. It was an instantaneous reaction and not something that she could stop without some time between her and the pain. But, it was too quick and it could hit her easily. She could only avoid it for so long before she took another one of those morphling pills and let it hit her again. That's how it would work out; she would get hit and no one would care because they didn't know her. She was just dust blowing in the wind. The only people that had cared about that habit of hers subsequently threw her out of her own home right after they learned about it. She was no longer left to return to that home of hers, having to go place to place to find a new shelter. All of the places she went to, though, were always temporary. There was no permanent home for her. Some nights, she laid down next to the pavement and just fell asleep there. There was no risk of getting robbed because, most of the time if you robbed, you would be slaughtered by a peace keeper. They took an enjoyment in killing them, it seemed. It was their job, but they had a sort of passion for punishing the people that got in trouble. What was it that made them that way? Was it some sort of insane lust for blood? Or maybe it was just some willingness to help out the people in each district. Did the Capitol actually care about the people here or did they just use them for their minuscule objects and pathetic objects of desire that they paid good money for?
Many people may have said the latter, but Fey had a general trust for everyone. She was sure, somewhere deep down, that the residents in the Capitol had some sort of heart somewhere. And she was sure that if they could display it, they would. She even thought the president of the Capitol had a heart, although he looked a bit gruesome compared to the rest of the people at the Capitol. He was not like the rest of them, he was just so different that even Fey took a notice in the differences. Regardless of her thinking, she stayed down on the ground in that same fetal position and presumed her crying with an odd stature. She didn't seem like the girl that walked around like a happy girl now. Her entire personality had flip flopped around in her body and caused her to cringe and cry onto this one spot of green grass that she had crawled against only moments earlier. And, really, she felt alone. There was no one there. No one stopping by to say hello, ask her what was wrong and no one to say, 'Hey, you need to a place to stay?' For this one moment, she acknowledged what she didn't know before. That she needed a companionship of some sort to get by, or she was just going to end up dying on the side of the street crying. She needed a friend before she broke down and offed herself somewhere alone, so that they could later put the body in some unmarked grave in District Six. And that choice did not seem too alluring, now did it? No one would even know who she was, buried all by herself in that unmarked grave.
She could see it now, someone actually digging up her casket and her family denying her existence in her entirety. Maybe even questioning whether the frail little figure in the casket was her. Ha, maybe she wouldn't even have a casket. Maybe they would just cut into her body, dispose of it in a dumpster, and continue their digging. They wouldn't care about her, right? They don't care about her alive, why would they ever care about her if she was dead? Would they just consider her to be some worthless carcass? If she could, she would die if it made everything better for everyone else. If it had made her family know that she is safe and will never get hurt out in this cruel world, the cruel world that her family had introduced her to. Instead of rehabilitating her, they had made her addiction and problems so much more than they should be. So much more than her, so much more than them. There was nothing to change it and there was no getting rid of it now. It was going to stick like hot glue wedged between two different sheets of paper.
