Mercedes Rune (*District 12*)

Please excuse me if this review has flaws/might be flawed in certain aspects. I was asked to help out while I don't have my contacts in and suffering from burning eyes.

I'm very confused with the application, and parts here could be revised to make her more believable. (I would also suggest throwing this in a word document because there are a lot of fragment sentences that don't help draw out dramatic emphasis and places where there is not a space after the period or comma).

Onto the review:

She is 5 feet and 3 inches and weighs 105 pounds and has pale skin , which is surprising because she is outside at almost all hours either working on her mothers farm or tending the garden.

Pale skin tends to turn red in sunlight easier than those that have melanin/darker skin. You mention later that she has flawless skin, yet you don't consider if she gets sunburns and/or dry skin due to excessive UV rays? If she had these and was concerned about them, I would accept her flaw of sunburns. As mentioned in guides, scars don't count really for flaws unless you describe them as pretty grotesque, because they are often used as pseudo-flaws - 'flaws' that can actually make the person awesome than deflect the appearance.

Her eyes seem childish.

In what way do you mean? In terms of how big they could be, vibrancy, or how they shine? I can't really know what you're thinking when you say sentences like these without further details.

Other than the lacking paragraph that would make the Personality acceptable length-wise (three paragraphs; five sentences at the least), the first section of the Personality is rather confusing and does not hold much ground to be another negative aspect of her character (regarding the 'holding fury' trait). She's friendly and outgoing, but she seems serious and stern? What I initially think is that these are complete opposites - but not told in the right way. There needs to be more description/detail in, perhaps, how she comes off stern or in which situations would she come off stern and also stating how she comes off friendly. It helps out readers in knowing how she is in situations. As for the 'fury' aspect, it doesn't seem like a flaw. In fact, it would sound like a more positive trait. It could be taken that she is willing to let people anger her without blowing a casket right away. I would like for you to explain, in a better way, how this is bad for her or bad for others. Actually give me clues and hints that put this negatively. Does this affect her self-esteem, for example?

Her flaws are that she is quite headstrong and is stubborn.

I consider these pretty neutral waters. You could be stubborn in her opinions to where you won't let others faze you to morally-wrong choices, or you could be stubborn that you try to force your opinions onto others. Please expand on why these would be flaws.

The reason why Dee said the father's death was contradictory was because the placement of the information and the tone did not sound like the two were connected; they sounded like two separate events. You should try to make the two close together (preferably in the same paragraph) and make the information flow better. Why would a necklace matter in the Hunger Games, and why was the death an accident? Make it out like a story; it turns out better.

They also bake for medicine for their grief/sickened mother.

Bake? What kind of sickness does their mother have that would require baking? I'd possibly accept this if there was some recipe mentioned by an apothecary that kind of helped out and made the 'medicine' more edible to eat. (i.e. peppermint being good for upset stomachs).

That's my two-cents on the matter. Follow with the editing and stuff and we can take a look again. Thanks. ^^