Take The World Off Your Shoulders [[gxk]]

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Tea
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Take The World Off Your Shoulders [[gxk]] Feb 21, 2011 0:09:52 GMT -5

Post by Tea on Feb 21, 2011 0:09:52 GMT -5

Calming Amira down had been absolutely exhausting, though not for the reasons he'd originally expected. When his name had been drawn from that Reaping ball, accepting the position hadn't really been in the cards. At least, originally. The inner Career within hadn't been fully dormant; had only been waiting for the chance to prove itself to worthy. After seven years, it had almost gotten that chance too, had it not been for Amira. She was the reason he was still around, and would continue to be around for years and years to come. His death would be of natural causes - or at least, Duke hoped - and he would live a normal life. Perhaps not one as exciting as that of a Victor, but he would live, and that was what mattered.

Duke tightened his grip on Amira's hand as he lead her away from the madness that was still the Reaping. The way she had reacted back there was...it was...well, Duke really couldn't blame her for breaking down like that. If it had been her up there on that stage, her name drawn from the Reaping ball, Duke knew he would have lost it too. Now that his time as a Career was over, she was, really, all he had left. There was no doubt his father would kick him out that stunt. Denying a position you'd trained your entire life would be a pretty major offense in the eyes of Duke Quaidar II, Duke knew that, and there was absolutely nothing stopping him from removing his son from the premise of their house. He was, after all, eighteen now. An adult. He was in charge of his own life, and could do whatever the hell he wanted. If he was being completely honest with himself, the thought of managing his own life scared Duke shitless. Never would he have thought having freedom would be such a daunting concept.

He cast a sideways glance at Amira, walking beside him. At least now he could truly step up and take full responsibility of Amira. There would be no father standing in the way, telling him no. Hadn't she only been cast away because she acted as a conflict to Duke's finely tuned training schedule? Now that he was done with the Games, it was an irrelevant excuse. Duke smiled to himself. There was no reason for his father to throw Amira out of the house if he brought her back again. Not that he would ever risk that, but if the opportunity presented itself, Duke wanted to have options in place. Any option though, at this point, would be a welcome one. What the hell was he to do with Amira? She wasn't exactly sane enough to be left to her own devices. She needed someone to take care of her; to protect her. Duke was the only person in the entire District, in all of Panem for that matter, who was willing to do that.

It pained him to think of all that she'd lost in his favour. It was all his fault that she'd become to paranoid and so fragile. If he hadn't left her in the hospital everything would be different. Things would probably be a hell of a lot better, and Amira would be the same Career she'd been months ago. But it just wouldn't be the same, and that Games could have seriously upset that balance."Amira?" he asked suddenly, pulling her under the awning of one of the passing buildings. "Are you...are you still mad at me? I mean, for what happened? I just...well..." Duke sighed and pulled her closer. The idea of what could have been, him accepting the Tribute position and getting thrown headfirst into the area was finally setting in. He could have died."I don't care if you are. You have every right to be. I just...I need..." Duke bit his bottom lip, trying not to cry. That wasn't what Amira needed. He had to be strong for her, not the other way around. Yet, somethings certainly couldn't be helped. Thinking about what could have happened, if Amira had been left in District One alone...the combination of it all, and Duke Quaidar III, Former Career, Murderer, and Almost Victor, broke.

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Take The World Off Your Shoulders [[gxk]] Feb 27, 2011 17:34:48 GMT -5

Post by gxk on Feb 27, 2011 17:34:48 GMT -5

The reaping had taken so much out of Amira. Her chest heaving with each breath. Even after Duke lead her away she could still here the noise of the crowd. It was absolutely nauseating. Her mind replied the image of Duke being reaped and him marching up to that platform of death. He had had every intention of leaving her behind for the glory of murdering other kids and teens. He'd apologized and ended up staying with her. But still it stung. It was like being smacked. The pain eased with time, but it didn't feel better right away. Hazel eyes were ringed with red from salty tears, blonde hair disheveled, a mess of Amira being led through the streets of One. Part of her was still seething over her near abandonment, but how could she hold it against him when no else cared what happened to her?

That there was nothing that I could do to save you
The choir's going to sing, and this thing is going to kill you

There was no where for her to go other than with Duke. She was lost in every sense of the word, he was her only guide You're pathetic, disgraceful, hopeless at best... Amira tensed at the sound of that malicious voice stalking her mind. It never left her alone. Not since she'd been mauled in that god forsaken alleyway. It wasn't fair, she had nowhere to run. He'll kill you, he'll leave you for dead. You don't stand a chance... Her grip on Duke's hand became painfully tight. Her voice leaked out in a panicked hiss. "Leave me alone. You lie. Get out of my head!" People looked at her with hatred. She was a murderer's daughter. A psycho. Nothing they wanted in the proud First District of Panem. Amira had once been the favorite female career to win the Games. Look at her now. Topaz Ross was crowned victor and she was being dragged from the town square while talking to herself.

There was glass inside my feet and raining down from the ceiling
It opened up the scars that had just finished healing

You had so much going for you. You threw it away with both hands, stupid girl. People would kill for your talent. It was wasted on you. Taunting, teasing, she couldn't ignore it. Maybe it was right? It couldn't be... But maybe... No. Nothing made sense anymore. Things were like a puzzle with pieces destroyed or missing. There would always be empty spaces that couldn't be filled in. At least Duke had been able to patch a few things up, but she was far from fixed. Was fixed even the word for it? Words were the least of her concern right about now. Words wouldn't make the pain go away. Words wouldn't change what had happened to her. All she wanted right now was stability. Something unchanging that she could rely on to be there for her no matter what happened. She wanted Duke to be that thing. But trying to hold onto him had been like trying to hold onto a rope of sand in the past. Amira wanted to believe he would never leave her, but he'd done it before.

It tore apart the canyon running down your femur
(I thought that it was beautiful, it made me a believer)
And as it opened I could hear you howling from your room

Amira was snapped from her internal battle when Duke pulled her under a near by awning. "Are you...are you still mad at me? I mean, for what happened? I just...well... " He paused. "I don't care if you are. You have every right to be. I just...I need..." She flinched at the question. She had made such a scene at the reaping. Everything had come unglued in that single moment when his name was drawn. "Not mad, just scared. What do you need? Not me I'm sure. I'm extra weight on your shoulders... It hurt to say it, but it was what she felt. It was the truth. After the accident she had lost the ability to mask things. They came out as bluntly as she thought them. Fool. Get out while you can! If he doesn't kill you, I will! Amira screamed, "No more. Please, no more. It was never ending suffering. Would it ever leave her be? You can run from me, but there is no such thing as hiding...

But I hid out in the hall until the hurricane blew
When I reappeared and tried to give you something for the pain
You came to hating me again and just sang your refrain

Tea
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Take The World Off Your Shoulders [[gxk]] Mar 16, 2011 0:48:43 GMT -5

Post by Tea on Mar 16, 2011 0:48:43 GMT -5

Duke

The idea that Amira might still be afraid that he was going to leave hadn't even crossed Duke's mind as he lead her though One. She remained perfectly stoic in her facial expression until finally, she broke, and began calling out the voice that seemed to constantly plague her mind. The grip of her hand on his tightened, and she was gone; off to face whatever it was she was hearing. There was nothing Duke could do besides return the glares that Amira seemed to be attracting with her outburst.

When he pulled her under that awning, he hadn't known what to expect. Obviously Amira would be mad at him for almost accepting his place as tribute, but what other emotion would she be hording? Feeling only one was well out of character for her, and Duke was had become accustomed to dealing with her constant meltdowns and moodswings. In times like this, it just made all for the more sense for her to breakdown.

Although she didn't. She remained poised, and collected as she spoke, however bluntly that was. Duke found himself flinching at her words. Surely not me. He licked his lips. "Dammit, Amira, is that really how you think I see you? Extra weight?" That hurt. After all this, after he'd given up the Games to be with her, she still thought he was going to leave her. "You shouldn't be. Scared I mean." Duke drew in his breath sharply, pulling Amira closer as she spoke again. No more. It was so much more real now. Standing here holding her...he'd almost thrown that all away.

What would have happened to Amira if he'd gone away? Duke found himself actually pausing to think about that now that it was out of the realm of possibility. Who would have taken care of her? She had nobody; no friends, nor a mother. Her dad was dead, Duke had made sure of that himself. Everyone else hated her for the things she'd done as a Career. Duke knew he was all Amira had, and just thinking about the hell he could have caused her made him nauseous. No wonder she'd been so scared. "Look Amira...I need you to...I need you just to...I don't know. I mean, this is all so surreal to me still..." No. Him breaking down crying was completely out of line. He was the sane one, the one with all the answers. He had to be strong, yet what the hell were these tears?

Swearing quietly to himself, Duke turned away from Amira, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He couldn't face her like this. Not when he was supposed to be with the one who she leaned on for support. He was the man; men didn't cry. Careers didn't cry. He was a Career. Or at least, he used to be one. Now? Well, now didn't matter so much as did getting over the shock of the reaping. Later, he could worry about facing his father, and finding a place and a job and all that. Right now, he had to make sure Amira was okay, and from the looks of it, if he was as okay as his brain wanted to make him believe.

"Look," he said, finally, turning back to face her, eyes rimmed red. "I...I...I'm not really...I don't know really what to think right now. And I just...I want to be that person you can lean on for support, but I'm not sure if I can do that. I need...I need someone to lean on sometimes too."

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Take The World Off Your Shoulders [[gxk]] Mar 31, 2011 17:49:01 GMT -5

Post by gxk on Mar 31, 2011 17:49:01 GMT -5

"I feel like a monster..."

Standing under the awning Amira's blood ran cold. The voice would not shut the hell up, and now Duke seemed to be breaking too. This was bad. She could barely keep things together with his help, and now he was crumbling too. Something was really wrong. "This is your fault, you did this too him. If you had just died, think how much easier his life would have been. Scratch that, think of how much easier it would have been if he had never met you. You little bitch, put him out of his misery why don't you. Finish what you started..." Amira went rigid at the icy tone. The haunting voice had taken things to a whole new level and she was terrified. Hazel eyes flickered amount in a panic, settling on a butter knife left out on a table yet to be cleared by a waitress. "No! I won't do it. You can't make me!" Her voice came bursting out from her fragile form in a feral shriek. What the hell was going on, she was loosing all control of the things in her life. She took a staggering step away from Duke shuddering in fear. What if I loose control? I could kill him... And unwanted presence joined her thoughts once more. "It's only a matter of time daddy's girl. You'll snap just like your father. You're no better than him, no better than me. We're all the same Amira, there's no use fighting it." Was she really not so different from her father? She'd hadn't killed her uncle, she hadn't killed anyone, surely she wasn't the same as him. No, I just put a knife in the back of anyone who gets close to me... Gold-green orbs stare up at Duke with a wild expression, she was damaged. She couldn't trust herself.

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

"Dammit, Amira, is that really how you think I see you? Extra weight?" He paused. "You shouldn't be. Scared I mean."

"I'm more trouble than I'm worth... If you knew what went on in my head you'd run and never look back... You can't trust me, Duke. I don't trust me. She choked on the words.

Hot tears stung her eyes. She was a monster, their was no denying it. Amira hung her head in a sort of shame. What the hell had she become? Maybe her father had shaped her into more of a killer than she wanted to believe. Was it just denial all these years? Her clinging to the thought she wasn't like him. How delusion she seemed looking back now. Not only had she damned herself, she'd condemned Duke too. I'm so sorry Duke.. If I tell you, you'll leave, and I don't want to be alone. But if I don't we both die... Strangled sobs leaked from Amira like some sort of toxic, it was as if she weren't even human anymore. Hahaha. You're far from human darlin. You're killing him right now you know. Leading him right into to the trap. It's only a matter of time before you make the kill...

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

"Look Amira...I need you to...I need you just to...I don't know. I mean, this is all so surreal to me still..." She could see the tears starting to form in his eyes.

"You don't know what you need from me, I don't know what I am. This is surreal for you right now, I've been living between two worlds." Her voice was far too calm for occasion. Only the very last words cracked ever so slightly.

It was true, since that night in the alleyway she'd been trapped living between her hell and the real world. Not that Panem was a great place, but her mind was far more frightening. Once again her eyes fell on that damned butter knife. Amira screamed and shook her head violently, trying to scold herself. "You know you want to sink that knife into his skin. Mar pretty boy up a bit-" She interrupted with a feirce,"No! I won't do what you say, you can't make me... Amber eyes flashed with a memory of a boy she sparred with. Pale blond, almost white hair, green eyes... The letter S came to her mind. It was right there, her memory was returning ever so teasingly slowly. "I'm flattered you remember me... Tell me Amira, who am I?"

"Sinan." The single name that made things so much clearer.

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

"I...I...I'm not really...I don't know really what to think right now. And I just...I want to be that person you can lean on for support, but I'm not sure if I can do that. I need...I need someone to lean on sometimes too."

Duke's shaking voice snapped her to realty, his eyes damp and red rimmed with tears that she caused. And Sinan helped. He lead the beating on her. Her trainer wanted this. That asshole would do anything to be the best career. Take out two birds with one stone.... Duke needed more than she could give him, it wasn't fair. Her breath was trembling as she tried to form words.

Her voice was pained as tears fell, "It's not fair. I can't give you what you need. I'm so damaged, I have nothing left to give you. I love you, but what's that worth if all I do is hurt you. You've been crying, and it's my fault. Most of the hurt you've been feeling this past year, is my fault..."

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

"Amira remembers me. I'm so lucky. Just remember you're just like me dear. You still want to be the best. You'd kill me if you got half the chance. Too bad you threw all your talent away for a career who couldn't even accept his position in the Games. You had it all Amira, but now it's all mine." She cringed at the cold voice of her old rival. Surely her mind was making him out to be far more evil than he really was... Then again he had lead an attack to kill her. There was no way to know, no way to be safe. The only thing she could do was try and protect Duke. Whatever Sinan and his goons had planned was her problem, not his. If they were going to kill someone, it should be her. He'd be fine without her... Amira felt she was doing more harm than good at this point anyway. She really didn't want Duke to leave her, but it was only fair that he have a chance.

"I understand if you can't be around me anymore... I'm dangerous to you and myself. Not to mention I've made some, enemies. Have you ever heard of Sinan King? He trained with me for years. I remember now, he was one of the four... I don't want to see you hurt even more for me."

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

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Last Edit: Apr 1, 2011 8:38:44 GMT -5 by gxk

Tea
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Take The World Off Your Shoulders [[gxk]] Apr 27, 2011 21:46:58 GMT -5

Post by Tea on Apr 27, 2011 21:46:58 GMT -5

[/right]

It didn't make sense.

Nothing did anymore. When he'd turned down his position as male tribute, Duke had assumed everything else would just fall neatly into place. His relationship with Amira would magically repair itself, and her memory would return as though nothing had happened. It was ridiculous, he was realizing now, to have made assumptions like that. The relationship he'd so counted on having was still up in the air, unlikely to smooth itself out anytime soon. Amira was still questioning him and his intent -- a sure sign that she didn't trust him -- and now, as much as it torn him up inside, Duke found himself questioning the bond they had, and if it was even worth fighting for.

It was when Amira herself suggested that perhaps it would be best if they went their separate ways did he really pause for a minute and think about what that would do to the both of them. It had been over a year now, Duke realized, since he had been on his own. Only one year out of the eighteen that made up his life, and yet it seemed so much more significant than many of the others. All those years of training just seemed to blur together, one day after another, all the same. When he was with Amira, Duke remembered the distinct details that made up their experiences together. Every embrace, every conversation, every fight, and now this. This was, truly, quite unlike anything they had gone through before, because now, for the first time, they faced the uncertainty of their relationship with a mutual feeling. This time, Duke the Career had nothing to do with it. That was what scared him the most.

Passing a hand over his face as Amira spoke, You don't know what you need from me. Duke closed his eyes and shook his head. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. But she was right. "You're right," he said finally, daring to look at her for the first time since he'd broken down. "I don't know. I'm not sure anymore. That's just it. The...the Reaping...something isn't the same anymore, Amira. I don't know what it is, but I really don't see why we even need to find out, if you're going to be like this." And if he was going to be like this for that matter. Hadn't he learned already? Amira had no control of what was and wasn't said. The filter on Amira's brain seemed to have been completely removed following the accident, and she relied on him to understand that. Right now, he wasn't, and that just wasn't fair.

When she started to cry, Duke really felt like an asshole. Sure, Amira had brought this on herself, but it had been him who refused to be the understanding person she needed him to be. As much as Duke wished Amira could support her own weight once and awhile, it seemed unlikely to happen anytime soon. If he truly wanted to be with her, then it would everything he had. He'd have to be the backbone for the both of them; Amira's every protection and loyalty. Duke was the only one she had in the world, and if he was being honest with himself, it was a responsibility that no eighteen year old boy should have deal with.

"I know. I don't really...I promised you I wouldn't leave, but now you're asking me to? I don't know what to do." Sighing again, Duke averted his eyes from the broken girl who cowered in front of him. She truly was afraid that if he stayed, she would hurt him. It was such a contrast from what they'd been though in the past, Duke couldn't stop the dry chuckle that escaped him, "You actually think you can hurt me?"

And just like that, the Career within had taken over once more.

It was almost laughable what she was saying, that she could hurt him. The only damaged Amira had ever managed was the number on his shoulder, which was, really, nothing major. He had singlehandedly slaughtered Mr. Shipiro, and then taken on Amira herself, leaving with little more than a few stitches, when she had been hospitalized for weeks. The Games would have been the natural next step, but now he'd given that up to. And for what? "You can't hurt me. Look at this," Duke continued, unbuttoning his shirt, "this scar, it's all you've ever done." Peeling back the fabric from his shoulder, Duke stared down at her, watching the pain on her face. It so reminded him of her the day they had fought, and Amira had nearly bled out. She'd been so hurt; so confused that he would ever want to hurt her. It was like that now.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Duke reached down to grab Amira by the wrist, gently pulling her against his body. He held her there a minute, feeling the warmth of her body against his own. There was no way they could let this go. Not after all they'd been through. "I don't want to leave. You know I don't. I know I say things but I-- what?" Suddenly, everything ground to a halt as Amira spoke again. Sinan King. She remembered now. That was who had done all this to Amira. Who had done all this to them. Seeing only red, pushed Amira away, licking his lips. No. Nobody hurt Amira Shipiro. Nobody. "I'm going to kill him," Duke ground out, bawling up his fists. "I'm going to fucking kill him."

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