PAISLEY ARMANDA BRIDGENNE// D4//

"DISTRICT FOUR, THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, FEMME
The first thing you should know about me? Where i've been. My history. It's no simple story, i'll tell you that. Actually, it's a hell of a lot more normal that plenty of people's. But i think a lot of people just like to whine and complain over their lives. Me? I've got something real to tell. Maybe your parents died. I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe your best friend or your sister or your pet died. I've had no such endurance. But the worst is not missing everyone you have lost to the fatality of death, but those you have lost from your own, thoughtless actions, that you are forced to see, and walk by every single day, and having them not speak to you. That will always be the most painful for me."

" Actually, my childhood or whatever was fine. I had loving parents - Mario and Fedora. They were so kind, but then again, they didn't really feel like parents. Not people to kiss your cheek at night or talk about your problems with, my mother and father ended up seeming like a friend's parent or a distant set of relatives more than anything else. At the least, they seemed like pets of mine. They wouldn't teach me the lessons i needed to know as a child, they dismissed any bad behavior without lecture, only occasionally sending me to my room. They would do most everything I asked them, but I didn't know why for a while. When I was five, I was told that i would not have siblings. Unlike my many preschool-aged friends at the time, I wouldn't have a miniature sister to dress up like a doll, or a little brother to push into the mud. My parents didn't really bother to explain it, but my mother was getting old - she had much more age on her bones than most other parents I knew, and that must have to do with it."

" Not having a sibling in my life wasn't the end of the world. I had my own personal sister, a girl across the street, maybe a little bit next door. Her name was Aurora. She was my lifeline for so many years to come. We were the little girls pretending to be princesses in our mother's old gowns. We'd roll in the dirt roads made of mud until our father's came home with fish for dinner. Our families often ate together, like they were one. It was a relationship for every girl to die for - a sister not connected by blood, one who couldn't openly bully you out of a feeling of superiority. It was fantastic. she also had an older brother, Barrett. We didn't like having much to do with him. The most he ever did was throw me off the couch to open a seat for himself"

"Into my double digits, at the age of ten i got my first 'crush,' so to speak. At ten, crushes were nothing more than a few stolen glances, and putting his name next to yours a couple billion times, locked in a heart on your homework pages. Aurora knew of it, and this was the first sign that no good would come of boys and Aurora. One morning i saw them walking home from my window, probably coming from school. In slow motion to me, i saw her lips peck his cheek and i went red. Aurora hadn't just done that, did she? Oh, childhood love. Nothing more than foolery, I see now. But i didn't then. I flipped. I wouldn't speak to her for weeks. But i hate that empty feeling of being just mad. I decided against the silent treatment one afternoon, and we started talking again. The issue was never brought up. This is how our cycle of fights would be for many years."

"I've been through a lot in my social life. I may not have had too many fatal incidents, but as i said, losing someone you should be able to talk to all the time, is much different and more complex than losing someone altogether. That leaves you with two options, to carry on or not. But seeing someone every day is different. To move on or not to move on? To try and speak to them again, even? It hurts. A lot. And that's how it has been with me. My friends progressively drift away from me, and I've been left only with Aurora recently. Sure, I gain them fast as well. But me and Aurora have an odd relationship. We have so many inside jokes, so many laughs but when we get mad, we walk away, and for a day or so, we don't speak. By three days, everything is patched without one apology. We are simply back to normal"

"When i was twelve, i developed trichotilomania. This is a disorder due to stress. More specifically, it's when a person plucks hairs from their body. When taken from the eye area, like your eyebrows or lashes, it may end in diseases, because the hair that blocks your actual eyeball isn't actually there or whatever. I started picking from my head, and now i really don't like wearing my hair down. it's so weird. It's like, i am just tugging at my hair when i'm sad, or when i'm crying. but it doesn't act up when i'm happy. There has to be a negative thought in my mind for it to happen. I hate it. I hate it a lot. My parents started taking me to therapy for it. I hated that too. It's a vicious cycle. I hate something, so I pull at my hair, which i hate, which leads me to hate my life and hate other things more, which causes me to pull at my hair. Oh yeah, did i mention i hate my life? "

"One very day recently, I was proclaimed friendless, however. Okay, perhaps i had a few people to turn to. But they all lived across the district. I had broken up with my boyfriend of two months, and i saw Aurora, less than an inch away from his face. i started crying and walked away. sure, I'll leave you my sandwich crusts at your door tomorrow, okay? Just take all of my scraps. Near to that day, we hadn't been getting along. The following day was worse. i was with my friends, when Aurora began to insult my mother. I punched her. Hard. She's always punched me, why not fight back? The girl was appalled. I started telling her how controlling she was, how much she always hurt me and i was the one crying, never once her. Needless to say, we haven't spoken in a few months. It's heartbreaking. It's like i just lost a sister, but worse. Sometimes I pass her without a word."

"Now i'm thirteen years old, and I've all but kept it together. I guess my life's not so bad, but something about it makes me want to kill myself. It's the honest truth"

"Maybe the next thing you should know is how I appear. I know most people enjoy critiquing others appearance, making labels out of someone's clothing or hair or things on their body. Me? Well, let's just say I'm not like that, but if you are, this is I guess how I might seem to you."

" Let's start with my hair, maybe? It's probably one of my favorite aspect of my appearance. I suspect people think its pretty, because it's really soft and straight and manageable, but I suppose you should have your own opinion on that. So, as i said, it's really really is soft. I'm not going to repeat that over and over again just for affect, but that's the way it works, I suppose. You can sift your fingers through it without it having to catch on a knot. This is because my hair is somewhat thick and thick hairs don't tend to catch on each other as often. My hair is manageable in a way that it has the right balance of moisture. It's easy for my to put up in curlers and watch it bounce around my head like a halo, but it's just as easy to leave straight. It's a golden blond color that i refuse to dye. I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but my trichotilomania has gotten the best of me and my hair is thinning. I usually pluck at darker, thicker strands that don't match the rest of my hair. This makes my hair look lighter."

"My face is pretty, I suppose. Not much to it. Not stunningly beautiful but not stunningly ugly either. I'd like to say it is very age appropriate. It makes me seem the age that i actually am - thirteen, still very much a child. I have small eyes, which rather bugs me, but when i smile the edges curl up and they become impossibly smaller. My nose was broken once in my childhood, from simply falling onto my face. It is tilted slightly to the left, and this is very apparent from some angle. Otherwise, the most you can notice about it is that it is rather upturned. I rather like my smile, if anything. It's big and just gives off a happy vibe. Isn't that what smiles are supposed to do?"

"Ahh, my limb structure. I'd like to begin by saying not to make too many assumptions from how i describe myself. Don't go off saying i'm the hottest girl on the planet, because you'd be wrong. Let's go take a picture of some kind of model. Now scale her down by a half. this is how I look. I am long-limbed, with awkward-looking legs, arms, and neck. Even my fingers and toes are slightly stretched. I am very thin. I don't like to admit it, but sometimes I eat a lot less than others to maintain this. I don't like gaining weight. I am a runner, so my legs are very muscular. However, they sort of hang off of me in folds, when am sitting or not using them, which looks disturbingly fatty to me. I have a nicely toned stomach, but i suppose I'm skinny enough that any muscle could show there. Meanwhile, I have very little muscle on my arms and this gives them an oddly thin appearance. My hip bones are very protruding. They look odd and almost alienated if i bend to the side. My left hip is larger than the other, due to a fall off my one-story roof that left one tilted inwards."

"My skin is layered with a bit of grime. I try to take a shower near to one every two days, but this is unrealistic seeing as our family isn't the most prosperous in the city. We have enough to get by. I spend a lot of time running around, so i nearly always have a few little cuts or scabs running while on my skin. I have very few scars, excepting those on my legs from scabs that kept falling off carelessly. Often I get a cut deep enough that it does leave a mark without having the scab fall off, but these only occur on my thighs and forearms, for some odd reason. My skin is very fair, and I am exceptionally lucky that I do not have large amounts of acne. however, I do sunburn quickly and easily, and this leaves my skin unnaturally red. I have never tanned a day in my life.

" One of the most protruding aspects of my personality, is that I am not often referred to as an open person. Unless I am with someone i am very very close to, I don't speak to often. and even when i am around someone I am comfortable with talking to, I tend to use the same words over and over and be a little repetetive. My imagination as well as creativity is a tad lacking, and I am a very straightforward, stick-to-the-facts kind of person. I am not a very good thinker, and I like to solve logic problems in my head. I am good in school, as much as I dislike it, because of the consistency and stern logic it sticks to. I'm not open to other people's opinions and once I have my mind set on something, it's not easily swayed. This is due to the fact that I detest change, and I don't like variables. I'm most sensitive to them and they are probably my weakest point. This is due to the fact that it takes me a while to adjust to most things "

"I am full of conscientiousness. I would suppose this is a good thing, but this also means I get paranoid and my perfectionist side shows more often than not. I have to be the best at whatever I do, and when this is not the case, I tend to beat myself up about it. Unfortunately, this happens more often than not. I like to be prepared for things, to always know what's coming. This means i think things through, and take time to simply get ready for myself. I like order, and unwavering things. I follow a schedule. I get touchy when things don't turn out the way I planned, or even slightly differ from the way I want them. this concludes my obsession with careful, planned organization. not only this, but my ability to work hard until I have reached my goal, without cheating or shortcuts, I would think is something I rather enjoy about myself. though it may distract from things that should be important to me, like friendships, it feels satisfying. "

"I am a very introverted person, I think. It takes me a very long time to open up to people, and even then I tend to be quiet. But if it was possible, i steal the noise from a room when I am around strangers. I answer their questions in a very short manner, because I don't often have much to say and it leaves it feeling very awkward. I just like to cross my fingers that they'll leave me alone. I am not the speaking type, and I'd much rather spend my time doing something quiet, that doesn't involve me talking. In a crowded room, I'd rather blend in. I tend to follow my friends, or a group of people I know, around, and silently listen to them as they go about their business. I don't like too much attention to be called to myself, either. I'm very awkward with words, and tend to not have much to say."

"I have varying hobbies that make me different than others. Ironically, despite my lacking 'stage presence' or any presence at all, I am both a good singer and dancer. I also tend to be good at lying, and acting alike. I tend to have good guesses on when others are lying as well. However, I'm awful in the silent arts, even more ironically. Artistic talents such as drawing, writing, and other things of this nature, do not come naturally to me. I am very handy with knives and lock picking, but I could never shoot a bow and arrow in my life, or wield a sword. I have a decent memory, so if I learn a skill or have something told to me, I will most likely not forget it"

" It is easy for me to express my emotions. Though I usually don't have enough words in my head to rant or two scream or do much of the sort, I can convey them in other ways. It is easy to make me smile or laugh, for example. Those are easy for me to shine though my tough outer layer. However, I also may cry a lot too. It doesn't embarass me to cry around other people. I've learned to accept sometimes other people need to see the insides of you and how you are hurt. It makes people understand you better, if words won't come to my mouth as much as others. However, my stress levels are very very high, and i may become something of a worrier as well. "

"There is one side of me that is very conflicted. I tend to be a good listener, and will be very sympathetic to other's points of views. I like to solve other's problems. It is said I may put people at some sort of ease, and that they like to talk to me and feel comfortable speaking to me. I don't talk enough to give away their inner secrets, so yours are secure with me. But what I do strongly dislike, is when people have opposing views from me. Then, it is hard for me to listen to them or agree with them. I stand strong by my opinion, and it is difficult for others to sway me. One thing I'm equally bad at, is sharing my secrets and problems. It's all a one way street "


odair