Searching for Nowhere (open)

When darkness falls,
You can see the stars.
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I can't keep this monster,
Made of fire and light.

I hate having to lie to myself over and over, repeating this nonexistant history in my head. It's full of false names and lies that help me give reasons to those who want some. I've already run into a few wanderers, all curious and friendly enough. They seem confused by the way I don't trust them, and the way I vanish into the night, away from their fire that burns too much like the one that she lit in the shed that night. I'm not used to being able to actually believe people when they tell me things, or take what is offered to me. I guess that's what living on the streets for too long has done to me. Those cold nights on damp gravel have broken me down and built me back up, with a heart that must be made of stone and ice if I want to survive. They seem extremely baffled by the way I wear dark shades, even at night. I tell them that I have a really ugly scar, and the story behind it varies with the person.

Sparks explode,
Watch it take flight.

And once they're asleep, I back away, running through the trees with stolen food from their supply. I can't really say that I regret it. I'll do whatever it takes to survive out here, alone. Even now, sneaking through the trees near District Seven with fresh prey in my hands and some crackers from the last person I saw, I feel only my empty stomach being filled. Perhaps that's a good thing- I can't afford to feel anymore. If I let the emotions back in, all I would feel was pain. I would miss my mother. I would go back and try to find her, which would be very stupid. I can't return to District Nine. If I do, my heart will break faster, along with my delicate sanity that I came out here to rebuild. I try not to remember my home, but it is hard. Too hard.

Soaring up to the stars,
Destroying the night.

I do allow myself to wonder. I wonder if the Keepers have even noticed I'm gone. Probably not. They hardly noticed when I was there. And my mother? No, I've been gone to her for more than I year now. Missing since the night I ran away. Jasik? No, I haven't seen him in months. My thoughts become desperate, searching for anyone beside her who would even notice my disappearance. Because I don't want to think of those yellow eyes right now, and I don't want to picture her look of disgust after realizing I'm running away from the terrible thing I did that night. She's done far worse than I have, yet she stays put like a sane person. I know, however, that she isn't sane. Quite the opposite, actually. She has the monster...

Watch it all burn,
A horrible sight.

I tear myself away from these thoughts, because they fill me with an enormous amount of anger toward Flight and an odd kind of fear hidden underneath it. Fear of what, though? Of missing her? Of being stupid enough to go back to District Nine simply because of a dying friendship? Probably. I'm afraid of a lot of things right now, but the main one is being drawn back to the district, away from this freedom. There's only one person who would be stupid enough to give this all up for a frail, crime filled district, and that person is me. Still, I can't help but wonder if there is a sense of loss back at home. Flight probably realizes I'm gone, but I know for a fact that she would not start the hopeless task of trying to find me in these large woods. She's smart- she knows that I do not wish to be found, so why come after me? If she disappeared, I would feel pain, but I would not try to find her. It's a hopeless mission- we are both masters at staying hidden.

Run from it's power,
Hide from it's might.

In the distance a spot a small pond, along with some boulders near it. I sigh, glad to have a place to rest for the night after a long day of resting. The backpack I carry only makes things harder, but it has essential items that will be useful to me my first few years of being out here. I reach the boulder and drop the bag off my shoulders, climbing up onto the rock. It has some sort of moss growing on it, and is stained white and grey from time and birds that settled here once. Once I reach the top, I catch my reflection in the still water, and cringe, turning away. After my mother disappeared, I avoided mirrors- they reflected the despair and agony in me as my eyes became emptier and emptier. Now, however, I look like a walking corpse. Like most in our district, I've always been thin. We are a poorer district that does not get enough to eat. But now I realize what people mean by 'all skin and bones'. My pale skin clutches my muscels tightly, and my cheekbones and jaw are more prominent than they should be. My hair is a greasy, tangled mess, and my beautiful eyes have dark circles around them. My lips are chapped, my clothes hang loosely, and I move like a zombie. As my gaze sweeps over the trees around me, I can't help but remember summer nights filled with promises and hope as we lazily lay in the grass. Jasik, Flight, and I. We were friends.

But friendship is a dangerous game.

Burned by bright flames,
Blinded by light.

So this is how Violet looks? I wonder, dragging my thoughts away from the friendships that tore me apart. Her appearance is similar to Luna's, only it looks as if all life has left. I always pictured Violet as happy, free, and strong. This girl... this girl is different. She is weak and broken and just barely surviving. Luna wouldn't have wanted to turn into this. But I abandoned Luna a long time ago. Now I am Violet. Friendless, insane, and shattered.

It is the price I pay for freedom.


Darling, it's over,
Stop trying to fight.