Hunter Fusion D4

Hi there. ^^

I am going to direct you to THIS link and insist that you read the following points: #1, #2, #3, #5, #6, #16, and #18 and edit this application with that in mind.

Also, please no glow-in-the-dark blue eyes. Just no.

Could you please give more information in his personality that actually pertains to how he thinks and acts? It's nice that he can fish well, but you need some more information there.

No lawyers or anything like that in Panem, bud. If he was supposedly thought to be guilty of all of those crimes, I would have killed him in the Detention Center 5 times over. You should probably just remove most of those crimes and go into detail about he he went to the DC, because that's where he actually would have gone.

A normal family in District 4 is actually pretty well off because they're an upper District, so you might want to edit that. So.. his brother was paralyzed, but his mother brought in a ton of money, and yet they were going to starve to death? PLEASE, please, please, read through this application again and make sure that everything is clear.

You're missing a few letters from the codeword.

I think that's all... Post here when you're done editing. ^^

You still need to fix your sentences and paragraphs. For example:

dark Blond hair, sometimes he will bleach it, that is slightly curly he usually wears it medium-short length.

That is not correct at all. Here is what that sentence should probably look like:

"He has dark, slightly curly blond hair that is medium length. Sometimes he will bleach it ......"

That's still a bit awkward, but you get the idea. Complete sentences that make sense are key here. I'm not going to go through every sentence and rewrite all of them, so I'll just leave that job to you. Please make sure that you capitalize every sentence and you don't simply list traits.

As for some of the paragraphs (particularly in the appearance), they are very short. Rewriting the sentences should help that quite a bit, but you may have to add more information. Please note that 5 sentences is the minimum, perhaps more if your sentences are shorter.

You have one unnecessary letter in the codeword that should be replaced by another letter. You're very close. ^^

I believe that's all for now. Post here when you've fixed everything!

Reading through this application again, there are a few more things that I managed to miss that I need for you to fix.

I'm pretty sure that I directed to you to the bullet on my list about flaws, and your character needs a few more in his appearance. I understand that he has the scar, but he needs something else as well, and you need to explain why it's negative.

if he gets a big fish he will shave the size of it into his hair.

Umm, what? Explain that sentence, please.

5 foot 3 inch, average weight maybe 125 pounds give or take.

Don't speculate what average weight is, because it varies quite a bit with each person.

Neon blue eyes that are almond shaped but have a harsh look to them.

Describing his eyes as neon makes it seem that they aren't actually a real color, so perhaps just describe them as "bright" or "light" or something like that? It's much more believable that way.

his cheekbones and jawline are easily seen throughout the year.

Seeing as a person's jawline and cheekbones never actually changes, please remove that "throughout the year" part.

a average size nose , and a round face.

--What exactly is an average-sized nose? Instead, please describe what it looks like.

--That is not a complete sentence, as it doesn't have a subject or a verb. You have this problem in other places as well, and you seriously need to carefully read through every sentence to make sure that it works. The complete form of that previous example would be, "He has an [whatever his nose looks like] nose, and a round face." It's a simple process, so please just fix all of your sentences.

His mothers name is Krystal and his fathers name is Mark. Mark, his father, was hit by a baton from a peacekeeper, paralyzing him but he made a miraculous recovery.

There are no miraculous recoveries, as there are no hospitals and there is little medical care. Perhaps you might want to choose his father's injury more wisely?

As a present for his 13th birthday he was given a weapon set. it contained a short sword, about 9in. long. A long sword that is telescoping that is 3.5 feet long but goes down into a cone shaped object about a foot long that looks like a thermos. Also two wrist-bands that cover his forearm, made out of leather that conceal two daggers that are spring loaded and sharp as hell, they can cut through wire.

Please, no weapons. There isn't any reasonable explanation for carrying around an weapons, especially abnormal ones. I can understand how Peacekeepers would turn a blind eye towards Career training weapons, but in any other situation? No. And that does NOT mean that I want you to make him into a Career to justify that fact. Just remove it entirely, please.

he has been to the DC 3 times but he has been let go for "good behavior" but everyone doubts that more like "bribing behavior"

After 3 visits to the DC, they surely would have just killed him off. Perhaps limit that to just one visit, eh?

His first love, a girl by the name of Kate Manta was accused of killing a peacekeeper at age 13. there was obviously something happening between them, as Kate normally is a pacifist. she ran away from District 4, Hunter helped her steal a boat, as a result he got a 1-month stay in the DC, so she could escape. She escaped in her boat and hasnt been seen since. Except once in a heavy storm Hunter`s boat capsized and he thought he saw Kate pull him outta the water and right his boat. but he passed out soon after and woke up in a hospital. so he wonders if it was her or a mermaid or just his imagination .

Okay, he had a crush. Unless her history somehow affected him, you can remove a great part of that paragraph. Also, perhaps change the part about saving his life? It's a bit dramatic, and something on a smaller scale would probably be better.

this went on for a month until his parents took him to the capitol to get professional help.

No visiting the Capitol unless the visit is illegal. It's much more likely that his parents would try to talk to him about his problems themselves.

I cannot stress enough that you need to run this through a Word document. Microsoft Word will automatically catch most sentence fragments and errors, and all you have to do is fix them. If you don't have Word, find another spell/grammar check somewhere else that works. It's not so difficult. The biggest problem that I see here is that you need to capitalize ALL of your sentences and all proper nouns, especially because his name is Hunter. I read "hunters" as a group of people hunting, and I was very confused for a moment.

Post here when you've fixed all of that. (: Sorry to be so thorough, but I really want for you to be fully prepared to RP with a character that is highly believable and great, and right now it's not quite there yet. Good luck!

Are you finished editing, or was that post just a reminder for me?

There is still a huge problem here with your capitalization. Please please please make sure that every sentence is capitalized, because I see quite a few that are not. Along with that, remove that part about his dad's "Capitol duties." No District citizen should really be legally allowed to travel to the Capitol, even if we do allow this illegally in RPing. Also, I must insist that you remove that part about Kate, as I asked you to do this before. Post here when you're done editing! ^^