A step back~A leap forward.

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Stare
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and i will hold you tight / like the moon in the arms of the sky

A step back~A leap forward. Aug 1, 2011 22:14:04 GMT -5

Post by Stare on Aug 1, 2011 22:14:04 GMT -5

If you look really close,
You can see that there is a small piece of my heart that's missing.
It's the piece he took with him when he left.
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My head snaps up from watching the rain hit the ground to glare at her retreat through the thin fog, just as soaked as I am. Anger replaces the sorrowful aching, a not so foreign sensation that burns through me as a thousand words I know I'll regret race through my mind, each nastier than the rest. The time for comforting words and sisterly understanding is over. Far beyond my grasp are the words that I know would calm her, and in their place are things that I wouldn't even consider saying if I had a clear head. A small voice in the back of my mind whispers that I should follow her into the mist, but no. No, I will not chase after her again. I will not be broken again.

Imi and I haven't fought like this since... ever. I'm not sure I like it. Of course, there has been tension betweeen us ever since he left, and we did have brief arguments as children. Luke would always get angry at us for even saying one word against the other- he used to tell us that twins would always have each other unless they fought. He said that through the bad and the good, we had each other as best friends. And back then, he was right. Through the thick and the thin, Imi was always... there. He loved that we had each other. What would he say if he knew it was he fault that we split apart?

I wonder if he even cares.

I want so badly to think that being a wonderful older brother made him a wonderful older brother, but I know it's not true. Luke left us, and I will always hate him for that. He's my brother, so of course I love him, and I love how he was always there for Imi and I when we were younger... but then he wasn't there anymore, forcing us to grow up when we were only twelve years old. He wasn't there for our first Reaping, like he promised he would be. Did he even care that we could have gone into the Hunger Games? Probably not. He was probably too busy trying to forget us because we obviously caused him so much pain that he had to leave.

I know they're horrible things to think, but what am I supposed to do? He left us. He thought that if he left, all his problems would just disappear. That somehow, abandoning his two little sisters and parents would make things better. Well, for all the pain he caused, it better have been worth it. Sure, he left us things to remember him by. He thought that two charm bracelets could make up for it all. They didn't. Those charm bracelets didn't fill in the empty space in the house. They didn't lift the heavy silence that filled our lives. They didn't turn our house into a home again.

He's horrible, and I hope he knows that.

And Imi is hardly better. Right now, she just seems selfish. All she does is drown in her own problems. It's all about how she feels so much sorrow and how she regrets so much and how I left her behind. And I am so tempted to just let her stay that way. She deserves it, after all. It's almost funny, how she is now caught in a trap of her own clever design. How am I supposed to help her if she won't even let me? She's pushing me away from her when I finally reach out, and so I should just leave her be. But... I can't. Because I'm a twin, and while I really don't want to be her twin right now, I do have a responsibilty. One that I've avoided thinking about for a long time.

"What about the nightmares, Imi?" I call out. My voice is tired and broken but behind it is a fire that demands her attention. "You act like I don't care anymore. Like I lost my heart a long time ago. But you and I both know that's not true. Every night, Imi. Every night, I save you from some terrifying world and experience. You think that you're so lonely? Like no one's left to help you? What do you think would happen if you left? There won't be anyone to help you or save you from the nightmares. You'll have what Luke has- no one." My voice is shaking with white hot anger I don't recgonize, and I'm torn between crying and shouting in rage. "Don't make the same mistake as he did, Imi."

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Last Edit: Aug 2, 2011 18:11:02 GMT -5 by Stare

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I'm a riddle, wrapped inside an enigma, wrapped inside a taco.

A step back~A leap forward. Aug 2, 2011 18:38:18 GMT -5

Post by Ally is tentatively back on Aug 2, 2011 18:38:18 GMT -5

I struggle with myself every inch of the way until I face her.

"Ink, did you listen to a word I said?" I ask with eyebrows raised. "I said something about the nightmares, remember? Are my opinions that unimportant to you? And I'm not going to make Luke's mistakes. Because, like we both keep saying I'm just not strong enough to leave. I'm not strong enough to do what nearly every part of my brain is screaming for me to do. I'm not leaving any time soon, Ink." I smile sadly. "And forgive me if I said I thought you didn't care. I know that neither of us can help caring, it's instinct."

I take a very deep breath before continuing. "Ink, I'm trying to do the right thing here. I'm trying to just walk away. I don't want to hurt you any more." Tears well up in my eyes. "I hate hurting you like this. You're my sister. Please stop dragging me back into this conversation!" The tears spill over.

"I'm sorry Ink. We're two different people. We can't go back. I miss being close to you... but it's not possible any more." I turn and walk away.

{End?}

Last Edit: Aug 7, 2011 14:18:09 GMT -5 by Ally is tentatively back

Stare
Retired Staff

3,105 POSTS

Pronouns: she/her
last seen Nov 5, 2024 11:29:31 GMT -5

and i will hold you tight / like the moon in the arms of the sky

A step back~A leap forward. Aug 7, 2011 21:58:16 GMT -5

Post by Stare on Aug 7, 2011 21:58:16 GMT -5

Though it seems a lifetime since the day you went away,
I still can't stand to here your name.
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I don't know what to feel. It's all a big swirling cloud of emotions inside of me, but none of them really seem right. Anger? I want to feel anger so badly. I just want to be mad at her and have everything be back to normal. I don't want to blame myself. But I just... can't be mad at her. Not anymore. Sad? Maybe. It's a kind of emptiness that isn't quite sorrow, but acts a lot like it. Like everything's just drained out and an empty shell is all that's left. Shame? Definitely. It fills my heart, pouring through my blood into every inch of my very being. I don't even know what I'm ashamed of- all I know is that it hurts and I don't like it.

And as I watch her disappear, I feel her take a piece of me with her, just like Luke did. She's becoming more and more like him, whether she realizes it or not. Angry at herself because she's not strong enough, fighting with those she is (was) close to. It scares me, because Imi is my twin and I don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose anyone else- it's a new feeling of care that I absolutely hate because I don't want to feel anymore. It hurts to feel.

Exhausted but determined, I yank myself up into a standing position and walk through the pouring rain, until I've reached the edge of the roaring river. I cautiously sit down, dangling my feet just above the racing water. Luke once told me that there will come a time in my life when things will look perfectly clear, and that moment is never a good one. As I sit here, my stomach twisted into a knot and my heart aching, I stare out across battling blue, white, and gray. I'm seeing clearly now, and Luke was right. This isn't a good moment. It's a horrible one.

And, just this once, I allow myself to let the tears pour out.

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My small hands weave together a braid of flowers, in and out, the way my mother taught me. Luke is debating with Imi about which ice cream flavor is better- chocolate or vanilla? I'm half listening, but mostly I just focus on not breaking the delicate stems of the beautiful flowers. The sun is sinking below the horizen, lighting up our magical world in a golden orange light that fills me with warmth. I know the fireflies will be coming out soon, so I keep weaving, in and out, over, under. Imi comes over and tugs on a lock of my long hair, urging me to join her and Luke in the grass a few yards away, but I shake my head without looking up and she eventually goes away.

I know that later tonight our parents will come out and we'll all lay out under the stars, pointing out different constellations. After a little while, they'll tell us we have to go to bed, but Imi and I will beg them to let Luke read us a story, and so they'll allow us a while longer and we'll sit by a roaring fire and let our brother's voice carry us to an even more magical place.

But right now, I'm enjoying the sunset. Finally finishing my rope of flowers, I pick it up and walk over to Imi, wrapping it around her head like a crown. She turns around and smiles, delighted, hugging me. In the process, her 'crown' slips down over her forehead and onto her eyes, and Luke and I laugh. Imi pushes it back up and takes a step back, grinning.

Luke points toward the sunset, and we all lay back in the soft grass and enjoy watching the sky turn different hues. We whisper and laugh, tilting our heads this way and that. A bird sings not too far away. Everything seems so simple and perfect and beautiful, and even my six year old eyes recognize that. I smile when I feel Imi's hand slip into mine.

"Best friends forever?" she asks, like we often do.

"Forever," I agree, nodding.

(...End...)

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