Over and Over, I Fall For You [Morgana]

Fledger Rells

The morning of the Reaping, I was surprised to find that I'd thrown some nice clothes in my bag. I'd left home in such a hurry, I thought I'd end up having to borrow some nice clothes from River's father, but I guess not. Perhaps a suit is too fancy for Reaping, but it's what I've always worn. It used to be my father's. After he died, Mother fixed it up so it would fit me. That was before she'd gotten really bad. Before she'd started to forget who I was. Luckily, I haven't grown much since then. The jacket is a little tight in the armpits, but the shirt is fine. I consider not wearing the jacket, but I know I should. So I do.

River looks absolutely stunning in her dress. I only wish she could be wearing it to a happier occasion. I know the odds are her name will be drawn today. And even though she'll hate me for it, I plan to volunteer if she gets Reaped. I can't let her go in the arena alone. I know it's selfish of me to want her to live and to be with her always. It's been so long since I've had someone that cares about me the way River does. In all honesty, I would die without her. I can't figure out how I went through my day without her. How did I ever keep going with nothing to look forward to at the end of each day?

River and I walk hand-in-hand to the District square. I don't want to let go. I don't want this to be the last moment I ever have with her. She squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back. It's time to go. I watched as she was swallowed up by the crowd. I tried to watch, to catch a last glimpse of her red hair before I leave. I can't discern her from the rest of the faces in the crowd. I make my way to my place, up near the front by the stage. My heart is beating fast as the mayor makes his way to the stage. Is it possible for my heart to beat so fast, I'll die? Would that be considered a heart attack? It might be funny if I dropped dead here, and in the same way my father had, too.

The mayor reaches into the first ball and pulls out a slip of paper. Don't be River. Don't be River. I sigh with relief. She's fine. She's safe this year. For one more year, I'll get to be with her. No regrets, at least not until the Reaping rolls around. The next name is called. I'm so glad River wasn't Reaped, I didn't even pay attention to the name. If it was mine, I wouldn't know it. But then a boy walks up to the stage, and I know my name wasn't called.

My first instinct after the Reapings have finished is to find River. But the crowd is too large. Everyone is swarming around, trying to get back home. I'll never find River. Though I want to celebrate with her, I know it can wait. Now would probably be a good time to go back home and get the rest of my things. Mother will be confused by the crowd at the Reaping, as she is every year. It will take her longer to get home than usual. I'll be able to make it there, get my things, and get out before she's anywhere near home.

I set off down the well-worn road to home. It feels like it's been months since I last went down this street, but i know it's only been a few days. The street is fairly empty at the moment, as people are still crowded at the square. As soon I approach the house, I realize there's something wrong. I can't tell what, bit it's something. I have a bed feeling.

I push the door open. Oh, God. My mother is laying on the floor. My guess is she's been here a while, at least since before the Reaping. I fall on my knees before her. The first thing I know to do is check for a pulse. I press my fingers to her neck. The pulse is weak, fluttering, but it's there. Next check for visible injuries. I don't see any blood. She's unconscious, though I don't know if that's because she fell or because of whatever happened to her. My fingers roam across her head, searching for a lump. There. It isn't big, but she definitely fell on her head. I need to get a doctor for her. But the wait for a doctor could take a while, and I need to be here in case she wakes up, or...I swallow that thought before it completely forms. I was stupid to think I could just leave her and she'd be alright. She needed me to take care of her, and I left. It's my fault she's hurt.

Giving mother a kiss on the forehead, I push myself to my feet. I'll find River. She can get a doctor for me, and I can come back and stay with mother. I fly out the door. My feet hit the street with a steady thump-thump-thump beat. I barely realize that my feet are carrying me to the beach. I don't know what makes me think River will be there. She probably won't be. I slow as I approach, ready to turn and run to her house if I don't see her.

But there she is. She looks so beautiful. She's so serene and peaceful, walking across the sand. When she notices me, I walk a little faster. She runs towards me and leaps into my arms. I want to be happy with her. I want to believe that everything is fine now. I hate that I have to ruin her good mood.

"River. I'm so,so glad you weren't Reaped, believe me, but... I hesitate. I can't just forget that mother is laying there dying. I can't just stay here and be happy with her, no matter how much I want to. "River, it's my mother. I went home to get the rest of my things, and she's hurt. I need you to get a doctor for me and bring him to my house. You remember the way? I have to go back now, make sure she's alright."

I grab her hands and squeeze them hard. "I promise we'll celebrate later, after my mother is alright." She can't die. It just isn't fair. I finally have River, and even though I walked out on mother, I don't want her dead. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have ever left her alone.

Fledger Rells

I wait until I see River disappear to start racing toward home. My feet pound the cobblestone streets again. My lungs are burning. It's been a while since I've had this kind of physical activity. Pulling in heavy nets of fish is nothing compared to this.

If Mother is dead, if she didn't make it, I'll have no one to blame but myself. If I'd never left her, she wouldn't have gotten hurt. It's all my fault. I've been stupid and selfish. But isn't it Father's fault too? If he hadn't died, I wouldn't be in this mess. Mother never would have gone crazy. I never would have had to start working, or grow up too fast. There's a lot of people in all the Districts that grow up too fast.

When I reach the house, Mother is exactly how I left her. She still breathing, but it's shallow, as before. I grip her hand and wait. And think. Hope.

I can't help but remember Father's final days. He spent them in bed, trying to recover. The doctors knew he wouldn't make it, but they gave us false hope. I didn't cry when he died. I knew it was coming. I realize that I never did mourn my father's death. I was too busy trying to find food, and later, working. I had mother to worry about. There was never time to mourn.

Suddenly the door flies open, and River comes in with a woman who has blonde hair and blue eyes. Pretty, but nothing compared to River. She kneels beside mother and starts pulling things out of a bag. I don't know what to do. There probably isn't anything I can do. I stand up and wait beside River.

The woman introduces herself as River's cousin Coral. I didn't know River had a cousin, much less one who was a doctor. There's a lot we don't know about each other. We've only been together a few days. Coral tells me Mother is going to be alright. I nod, though I don't believe her. Doctors always lie so you don't worry as much. She puts a hand on my shoulder in a way that I guess is supposed to comforting.

"You know there are places you can send her, right? Places that could take better care of her? She might just need more advanced care if she's this far beyond rehabilitation."

I'd never considered this before. Of course there's places she can go. But I don't have the money. And I don't know how I'd be able to stand not knowing where she was. I mean, I don't always know now, but I still know she'll always end up back home. Even if she forgets everything else, she always remembers this is where she lives.

I shake Coral's hand off my shoulder. "I can't send her away. I don't have the money. And besides, it wouldn't be fair to her. This house is the one thing she always remembers. It wouldn't be fair to take her away from it."

I weave my fingers into River's. I need her strength. I can't send Mother away. But at the same time, I know that it would be best for her. I wish someone else could decide for me, but I know they can't. I have to make the decision. Even though it would be better for Mother somewhere else, I need her here. I need to know she's safe, and...

There I go being selfish again. I can't keep her here just because it's what I want. If going away is the best thing for her, I'll find a way to make it work. I turn to Coral. "Maybe. I have to talk to River first."

I pull River through the house, to my old bedroom. There's still traces of me here. Clothes that I abandoned, a book or two from my school days. I sit down on the ed and motion for her to sit with me. I take both of her hands. I know it's a selfish thing for me to ask. But I have to. It's for Mother.

"I think it would be best if I send my mother away. I don't want to, but it's the best thing for her. I know I don't have nearly enough money to, though. There's some of my Father's old things here that I can sell, things we don't need. But that still won't cover it." I bite my lip and squeeze River's hands. "I know it isn't really fair of me to ask this, but it's all I can think of to do. You can say no if you want to, I'll understand. I think it would be best if you and your father move in here with me. The house is nicer, and it would be better for both of you. We could sell your house and then maybe I'd have enough money."

I squeeze her hands again, afraid to look her in the eye. "Don't just say yes because you want things to work out for me. I'm asking you a lot here, and I'll understand if you say no. I can find other ways to get the money. And maybe there are better ways that I haven't even considered. I want you to think about it, River. Don't let it be something you'll regret."

Fledger Rells

A smile cracks wide across my face as River says she'll move in with me. I thought she might be attached to that house, in some way, but I guess I was wrong. She really is happy to be getting out of that house. I don't blame her. Even with the repairs I managed to do it, it still needs a lot of work. I'm not even sure if anyone will buy it. But it's worth a try, right?

I smile as River looks around my room at the pieces of me still here. My books, homework I never threw away. A dried-up rose Mother gave me ages ago, sitting on my desk. A short row of pictures from when Father was still alive. It's been a while since I've looked at these pictures, really looked at them. I realize how much I look like my father. How I've grown to fill his shoes. I never set out to fill his shoes. I don't want to be the same person he was. I want to be who I want to be. And maybe now, I can. I won't have mother to worry about now. I can stop being an adult now, and be a teenager just like I'm supposed to be.

"Now c'mon, before my cousin starts thinking we're doing something disreputable back here."

I wrap my arms around River's waist, put my lips close to her ear. I whisper softly, "And what would be so wrong with that?" I softly kiss her neck once, twice. And why not? I love her. We survived the Reaping. "We haven't celebrated yet."

I don't think I'm very good at trying to be...sexy. Why couldn't I just be a normal teenage guy with raging hormones? That would make trying to be intimate with my girlfriend just a little bit easier. I laugh softly and pull away from her, plopping myself down on my bed again. I'm really no good at this. Kissing, I can do, and sweet words, but this...

"I give up. I can't be seductive. I can't act like a normal teenage boy that's all over girls. I guess I grew up so fast I skipped right over that and went to responsible relationship."

I'm a failure. A complete and utter failure. I can't be the stereotypical teenage guy. What will I do when I have teenage sons and they ask for girl advice? Tell them to bring their girl to the beach and teach them to swim? Yes, that would be just perfect. I stare down at my hands for a moment, thinking. A slow smile spreads across my face. Do I dare ask River? What the hell. I'm feeling good right now. Better than I've felt for a while.

"River, do you think I'm sexy?"

Fledger Rells

"River, we have got to get Coral out of this house. I'll be right back." I leave River in my room and head back out to Coral. My mother is gone now, but Coral waits with her arms crossed, foot tapping the floor. "I'll stop by your office tomorrow to talk about my mother, alright? If I can come up with the money, I'd like to send her to that place you were talking about. Thank you so much for coming here. It was a pleasure to meet a relative of River's even if she's never mentioned you before." I shake her hand and practically shove her out the door. "Goodbye!"

I leave Coral dumbfounded outside the front door, and head back to my room. River is right where I left her. She thinks I'm sexy, and she's pretty sexy herself. I wrap an arm around her middle and kiss her neck again. I like the small sound she makes when I do. I don't want to let her go, not now and not ever. Things are finally looking up for both River and I. So why not do something crazy?

I know. I'm not one for spontaneity. But this is a moment to celebrate. Neither of us are going into the Hunger Games, Mother will be getting good care, and River is moving in with me. I kiss her neck again, lower this time. I brush away the strap of her dress and kiss her shoulder, slowly working my way down her arm. Lastly, I kiss the tips of her fingers. I let my lips linger there as I look at her. Dropping her hand, I pull her body tight to mine and kiss her lips, softly, slowly. And then I see what the problem is. I'm thinking too much. I need to just do, without planning everything out. So I surrender, and let my body do what it wants.

Still kissing River, I lower her down on my bed. "To answer your question, I think you're absolutely beautiful. And yes, sexy."

Fledger Rells

I sit up fast as River pulls away. Shit. This is what happens when you let your body do whatever it wants. Maybe I was being stupid, assuming River wanted something more in this relationship. Do I even want something more? Maybe. I just feel like kissing isn't enough anymore. I love her so much, and I feel like I've run out of ways to show her. That's silly, of course. We've only known each other a week. There are people out there who are married for fifty years and they can still show each other their love.

I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose River. She's my main reason for living. I can't imagine what I'd do if she left me. Even though I'm a man, and I should be the stronger one, I feel like I'm not. Like I would fall to pieces and become just like my mother if River left. Which is pretty pathetic.

"Wh-what are we doing, Fledger?"

Shit. Yeah, I've really messed up this time. I cover my face with one hand as River talks. I don't want to mess up. Everything I do, every time I open my mouth, I'm afraid I'll say something I shouldn't. Losing River is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

When River flops back against my pillow, I lay down next to her. There's barely enough room for both of us on this bed,, laying this way. One of us would probably fall off if the bed wasn't pushed up against the wall.

"I'm sorry River. I didn't- Look. I don't even know what I meant. I just know that I love you." I find River's hand and snake my fingers between hers. "I don't want to make you do anything you aren't ready for. Truthfully, I'm not sure if I'm ready for it." I sigh and run my free hand through my hair. Why can't this be easy? Why can't the words I want just come?

"I just feel like kissing isn't enough anymore. That sounds so stupid, but it's true. Maybe we moved too fast right from the beginning. All I know is that I want to be with you forever."

I don't think that was the right thing to say at all. She could take that the wrong way. She might think I'm proposing to her, which I'm not. I love her, and I want to be with her, and of course I want to marry her. But it's too soon for that. Our relationship has moved quickly so far, but not that quickly. I'm afraid River would freak out if I proposed. We haven't known each other long enough. I want to marry her, but I don't know if she feels the same way. And I'm afraid to ask.

Fledger Rells

River's eyes stare into mine as her question lingers in the air. There's only once answer to this question, and it can't be said with words. I move closer to her and kiss her lips. This is my answer. For one moment, things shift a little bit closer to perfect. I think, not for the first time, that River is all I will ever need.

---

"Do you want to keep this?" It's been a whole day since River and I spent a night in my bedroom. Earlier this morning, I went to see Coral to make arrangements for my mother. I don't have the money yet, but Coral says I have to get the money to her by the end of the week. So River and I decided it was time to pack up her things and get her moved into my house. Which required sorting through everything in her small house and throwing out what we wouldn't need or couldn't use. We'd already decided to throw away a broken, sagging couch and a kitchen chair with a missing leg. We kept the rest of the chairs, though, so we can sell them along with the house.

I lean against the small, scarred end table I'd asked River about. It wobbled a little because of my weight, and also because one of the legs is a bit shorter than the rest. If River decides to keep this piece, I'm sure I can fix that leg. I watch River walk gracefully through the room, picking up long forgotten sheets of paper, pausing to decide if she wants or needs them. I can't help but smile at the graceful sway of her hips, and the way she looks like she's dancing just by walking across the room.

I push away from the table and snag a few empty bottles off the floor, putting them in the bin River keeps for collecting them. We started going through the house a couple of hours ago, but we still haven't gotten past this main room. It's the biggest room in the house, though, so it makes sense that it's taking so long. I don't mind the work. I like working. I don't have to think when I work. I can just thrust my whole being into the job and do the best I can. But it's a bit harder to concentrate than normal, since River's here. I keep catching myself staring at her as she cleans up, throwing things into a box to get rid of or into a box of things to keep. I think River's accomplished more than I have.

"You know, we never discussed our sleeping arrangements." There's three bedrooms in my house: my mother's room, my room, and a small guest room with no bed. I was thinking we'd move River's father into my mother's room, since she won't be sleeping there anymore. I'll stay in my room, of course, but River...She could either go into the guest room or stay with me. I'd much prefer that she stay with me, of course. We'd have to get a bed big enough for the both of us to fit in. Spending one night jammed into my tiny bed was hard enough, and I can't imagine doing it for an indefinite amount of time.

Fledger Rells

I watch River as she twirls around the room. I'm not sure if I knew she danced. She may have mentioned it before. Even if she never did, it's easy to tell by the graceful way she moves. I assume money is the reason why she stopped, and I find myself wishing we had more extra money so she could start again. She really likes to dance. I can tell by the loving way she places the shoes into the keep box.

The couch groans in protest as we sit down. I'm surprised the thing can even support our weight. "Sounds like a good idea," I say in response to River's suggestion. "We'll only have to lug one bed over to my house, then. We can keep your father's bed here." I feel bad that River was squashed against the wall all night. I tried to make room for her, but I was practically falling off the bed every time I took a breath. How I managed to sleep without falling out of bed is beyond me. I shift my position on the couch and start massaging River's shoulders. She's been working hard this morning.

I work my hands down her back, trying to figure out where it's the most sore. I rub at some knots until my hands start cramping up from rubbing so hard. Then I wrap my arms around her middle and kiss her neck. "Well, we can spend tonight in your bed, and then move it to my house tomorrow. I'll make sure you never have to sleep in that bed again."

I give her another kiss, this time on the lips, then get up from the couch. 'I don't know about you, but I'm getting hungry. Do you want me to make lunch? You've been working harder than I have. Just relax for a bit, okay?" I head for the kitchen without waiting for River to answer. After digging around for a few minutes, I've found ingredients to make vegetable soup. I chop up the ingredients and throw them into a boiling pot of water and broth. While the soup cooks, I search for some sort of bread to eat with it. There's a half loaf left, which is more than enough for us, I'm sure. I slice two thick pieces and leave them on the counter.

When the soup is ready, I ladle it into two bowls and balance the bread on the thin edges of the bowls. After a quick debate, I decide it's probably best to eat in the kitchen. We don't want to get stains on the couch from drippings. I suppose it doesn't really matter, since we're throwing out the couch, but oh well. After I set the bowls on the table with a couple of spoons, I head back out to River.

"Lunch is ready, love."