;why not" [dee]

I didn’t know what I was doing as I looked around the empty house, the image of the mess lying around branded in my mind. I knew that no one was going to tend to it any time soon as Sundra and my parents both held jobs that carried through a long day. And when was Io going to start taking care of the place? She was still young, believing that homework was the only goal in life. Well, that and trying to make the family feel better when needed. But as soon as Sundra started working to fill in the gap that once held my brother, I knew I had to start playing a role. After all, Storm and Sundra were much younger than I was when they began caring for me and Io. It was about time I started stepping up.

As much as I wanted to help out, I was never a huge fan of picking up clothes; my room was always proof of that. So I turned to the next pressing matter: food. Back when the air quality was actually fairly decent, my parents had told us that we could get most of our food through the animals we raised. Never any meat, but we were always able to sneak enough milk or eggs for ourselves. That wasn’t to say that our stomachs were filled every night; in fact, my older siblings had often made sure that we were taken care of first. It always me and Io first, then them. I still remembered Storm trying to play it off, telling us that we needed more food so we could grow up big and strong like him and Sundra. In the end, I did grow taller but was never able to pack the same muscles as he did. Of course, the fact that Storm would work with the animals as much as possible helped, but I always envied him, wanting to be big and strong and supportive…just like he was.

I checked the cabinets, trying to see if there was anything that needed to be replaced or was starting to run out of. Sundra took care of meals most of the time and probably knew the kitchen best, but I so badly wanted to help out that I was looking for any sign that they needed any type of food. Everything looked pretty evenly stocked which meant that my older sister must have taken care of the food earlier that week or one of my parents had picked something up. The only thing we didn’t have was meat which was hardly a surprise to any of us. Meat was always expensive no matter the financial status, but it was always more difficult to bring meat home. I remembered how Storm would always try to get us some meat to eat and often snuck it into the household, lying to our parents and trying to work it off so they wouldn’t notice.

Maybe I’ll surprise them today! I still have some scrap money left…it might help them feel better. If there was anything my family needed, it was a little cheeriness. The long days combined with Storm’s death had caused a natural fatigue over the household. I would always sit on my bed and try to think about the days when I was little, when Storm and Sundra would play with us and our parents at least had a smile on their faces. But these days, it took much more than laughter to get our parents to smile. It was like a heavy blanket had been placed over the house, holding all the bad thoughts and grief inside. At first, I had tried to make things better, joking around like Storm always would to break the tension. I would try to get my mother to dance with me or my father to tell me another story like I was still the small 5-year-old girl I felt like inside. But every single time I tried, my parents would shake their heads sadly and tell me to go do my homework despite the fact that I had already finished. If I even remotely tried to sound like Storm, they would turn away and pretend that neither I nor Storm existed. It was like anything that reminded them of Storm was a horrible omen, a memory they needed to wash away. Otherwise, it would just stab them over and over again.

“Io, I’m going to go out and get some food. Make sure to stay in the house.” I wasn’t supposed to leave my little sister alone at home, especially since Io was so small and child-like. It was dangerous for Io to be inside, without any older person there to make sure she didn’t accidentally topple over the lamp. But my drive to get something special for my family was greater than my worry about responsibility, so like any decision I made without thinking, I took off without waiting for a response from Io. She was old enough; she could take care of herself…at least I kept convincing myself that much as I walked down the road.

It wasn’t until I reached the place that I remembered as the meat store that I realized that it was no longer the meat store and that I would have to go find it myself. Which completely sucked and felt more like an insult to injury. Storm had once taken me to that place, holding my hand to make sure I wasn’t lost. I wasn’t sure why he had done it, but a part of me believed that he wanted me to know so that I could help out in the household when I was older. He probably had not predicted his death, though. Either way, it was all for nothing as the place had been closed down and renovated as some small store that I could care less about.

What was I supposed to do? Go back home with nothing in my hands? While it might have been easier, I felt like I had to do something, that I absolutely could not go back home empty. It wouldn’t be fair to all of them. Still determined, I continued to walk down the direction. At that point, I was just walking on the random hope that there was still at least one meat shop somewhere in District 5. The industry change had caused many of the ranchers to move, but there must have been some family who was like mine and decided to stay behind so they could serve in District 5. As I walked past the slow trickle of residents, I debated on whether or not I should ask for directions; it would have been easier and faster if I had asked. However, I wanted to find it myself, so that I could proudly claim that I took care of something on my own. But with each step, I realized that finding a meat store was more difficult than I had predicted.

Just when I was about to ask a person standing nearby if they knew where the meat store was, the person turned around to ask me the very same question. Taken aback, I struggled with my words, trying to find the right ones to put into my mouth. Was I supposed to act like I knew and give the boy some directions I was making up in my mind? Or was I supposed to say the truth and tell him that I didn’t know any better than he did? If it had been a few months back and with Storm, I might have done the former, only to tell the boy that I was kidding. But without my older brother, it just didn’t feel like the right thing to do. Plus, there was something about that boy…

It wasn’t like he was supremely interesting, but it felt like I knew him in some way, shape, or form. Actually, I wasn’t even sure I knew him. He just had a certain face that made me believe that I had seen him sometime in my life. He definitely was not a classmate of mine; I had made sure to recognize and know who my classmates were. But he was no complete stranger either. Perhaps I had seen him while I was walking along the streets. Or maybe we had met. But when? I waved the questions away as I pictured him as just another person who was looking for the meat store that was no longer there.

“I…don’t really know. I haven’t been to the store either for a very long time.” I stared off into the distance, wondering what to do next. Was I supposed to ask him if we should find the meat store together? After all, we both were looking for the same thing, and it would have been nice to have some company. “Do…do you want…to go find it with me? We might find it faster that way...,” I ended with a low voice.

I couldn’t help but stare at the necklace that he kept playing around with. Was it any bit important to him? It seemed like a go-to item for him, but why? It kept distracting me as I couldn’t tear my eyes away. It was difficult waiting for an answer and my mind often drifted away if it wasn’t jumping around, so I decided that maybe it would be better if I kept my mind on that necklace. At the same time, though, I knew it was rude to stare so I was conflicted on what was the right thing to do. I examined it a bit longer before tearing my eyes away, not wanting to look like I was being an oddball. Not that I was one, but…well, Storm often called me his little “oddball” and I guess that nickname kind of stuck as I stood there, not knowing what other words to turn to.

Was he going to answer back anytime soon? It wasn’t so much that I was in a rush, but the situation was awkward enough and if he wasn’t going to say anything, then it might have been better if I went to find the place by myself. Finally, though, he spoke…and I was not happy. While his words were reasonably polite, his tone was not and it threw me off-guard. Who was he to be like that? The first time since Storm’s death I chose to reach out and I got beaten down by a boy I have never met. At that point, I didn’t know how to respond. I was shocked and offended, taking it personally and feeling like I was shut down completely. “Uhh…,” was all I managed to say in response to his utter denial.

He tried to apologize for his manner, but it was already too late; I did not like that boy. Even his apology was weak, definitely not from the heart and Storm had told me that if it did not come from the heart, then it was just a bunch of empty words, meaningless sounds that had no worth in them. My eyes narrowed and my brows were scrunched as the boy attempted to make up for it, saying that he would indeed enjoy some company. Unluckily for him, I wasn’t going to be the one to provide him company. Hell, I wasn’t even going to help him. My once-genius plan to not have to go through the find by myself was trampled on the minute he used that tone on me.

The boy introduced himself as Tanner. No last name which meant he either didn’t want people to know who he was or he thought he was important enough to not have to say his last name. I hated those who thought they were so important; they always needed to deflate their heads quite a bit. And while I wanted to pin that label on Tanner, I didn’t feel like doing it. As if I didn’t have enough to be mad at him for already. “I’m Europa,” I replied, common courtesy being the only reason why I had allowed that boy to know my name. Any other time, I would have stormed off, but he at least had the decency to tell me his name (if that was his name) so I figured there was no harm in saying mine. However, there was no way I was going to accompany him. Not anymore.

“If you don’t want company, don’t force yourself to. I can take care of this by myself, and I’m very sure you can as well especially if you prefer to do it alone. So don’t fake anything with me, and don’t feel bad for me. Because I don’t need your pity.” There was some truth behind my words. After Storm had died, everyone who visited would always pity me and give me empty, useless words. I wanted to snap at them. I wanted to tell them that nothing was going to bring Storm back so they might as well go away. Storm’s bracelet was enough to calm me down though. For some reason, it was like a part of him was still there. But this boy…the way he said that made me angry and while what he said had nothing to do with Storm, it made me blow up all the same. I turned away and walked towards a different part of the district to go search for the store myself. Anywhere would be better than being near him.