Dean Hawkins - The Capitol

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I wear glasses. They aren't your everyday eyewear, just for when I read because it's better than squinting. My hair is blond. No that doesn't mean I'm not smart, but I really do have blond hair. My eyes are also brown. Just a regular old brown color, nothing special. No alterations on my face or hair either. Just because my life is in the Capitol, doesn't mean I go crazy with my looks. My voice cracks a lot too, which makes me sound pretty weird. People have said it doesn't fit how cute I am (seriously, who tells me, a twenty year old man, they're adorable or cute). Teeth were my favorite part of my face. My teeth have been crooked once in my life, until I got braces. Braces couldn't fix two teeth though so those two are pushed back still. That's kind of a reason why I never smile much.

But I do have a tattoo. One of the girls in the Hawkins family loved unicorns, so that's what the tattoo is. An orange unicorn. It's in memory of my older sister, as she died of heart failure when she was nineteen. Most boys teased me about it, saying I was a sissy or a wuss. I mean, yeah I have muscles but I'm not that strong. If you gave me a forty pound weight, I could lift it. If it was sixty-four and a half pounds, forget it. The sun also tends to burn the skin of mine. So you can forget tans too.

My feet are rough. People take my shoes all the time at parties which leads to walking home barefoot. Glass, twigs, and other objects have scraped my feet and caused scars of a sort. The kids who take them don't realize that one foot doesn't have any arch. Those kids end up taking the special shoes I've been assigned by the doctor.

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

The Hunger Games is always a fun pastime for me. I don't enjoy the killing part, just the pre-Games stuff like interviews and the reapings. People whisper about me and say that I'm messed up in the head, but that's my preference. I guess Capitolites do not understand me. I'm perfectly fine with that.

ADHD was hard to handle. Especially if your name is Dean Hawkins and you have that. I was diagnosed with the hyperactive disorder at the age of nine. My fingers tapped constantly at school on tables, chairs, and even lunch bags. The principal eventually got sick of me, so he kicked me out. Good thing, because the ADHD got worse. Not only were my fingers tapping like crazy, but my foot would be tapping thus leading to me humming and singing. My hand can only hold a pencil for ten minutes unless I'm writing a song.

I'm pretty loud and obnoxious, you need that if you are in a band. It has lead to me getting banned from places like stores. Heck, even if I'm only the drummer, sometimes I need to yell. Maybe the fact I love caffine and coffee have results on this. That doesn't stop me from reading my favorite novels. Reading is another one of my passions. You'll find out why.

Books, books, and even more books. Reading is a good thing for kids ten and under to do because they learn words. Fred said that I should be a teacher. The family joked and laughed about it, but he was completely serious. I was actually considering it until I remembered my ADHD. It would stop kids from taking their tests or reading their book. That job is out of the option.

I do tend to be a little unhelpful. I've gotten questions that a person can answer themselves. Like, 'What is the weather today Dean?' and I tell them to look it up. A girl even ran away crying once. It's not my fault a trait like that runs in the family! It isn't my fault that I was born to a poor family either, so we get snotty like that. Especially when we get stolen from.

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

You can say that ever since I was three years old, I was raised in a poor Capitol family. Only my father worked at the time because my mother took care of the family. I had five brothers and four sisters and it was pretty hard to manage anything. I was the second youngest of the family until Fred came along when I was four. He was the tenth brother and final child of the family. All of us adored the little boy, especially the oldest sister, Lillarian.

At the age of eight, my friends formed a band. We all kidded about actually starting one and just performed for our parents. I was on the drums, Cadrish was on the guitar, Kila (the only girl) was on bass, and Quince was the lead singer. Adults, teens, and kids have realized we were good, so they paid to see us. The four of us split the money and got ten bucks each. The Capitol people are such saps for music.

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

When I turned ten years old, everything changed with the family. Lillarian had a daughter at the age of sixteen, Fred and I weren't going to school, and father broke his tailbone and ankle from falling at work. But other than that, I was learning to deal with my ADHD. But that's a different story. Lilli had a daughter because she just HAD to go partying and get drunk. Our family still loves Regina anyways. But my father was less fortunate. His tailbone and ankle broke when he was standing on a ladder. Stupid ladders have to be so tall, don't they?

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

Fifteen years of age was when I became bad. One minute I was quiet and reading, the next minute I was smoking and partying with my sister. The smoke from cigarettes and other items worked their magic on my body and I didn't care. Now I really wish I would've cared about that. There would be nights my body passed out from dancing or nights Lillarian would get us a couple drinks. Usually I could only handle four drinks in my body, so after that I was drunk. Then I finally realized enough was enough when one of my older sisters died of heart failure. She smoked all the time and anywhere she could. Even when Capitol people offered me a smoke I refused most of the time. I even drink every now and then 'cause it is so tempting.

Now at the age of twenty, I have stopped smoking, or I'm trying to at least. As for the other drugs, those have definatley stopped. It's hard trying to get rid of something you've done for five years of your life. I still party 'like a rockstar' at parties and drink at them. Sometimes I drink after performances with the band and most people understand that. But honestly, I've had one too many drinks to last me a few years. I promise you.

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-f***ing-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

-Song is "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance.