Equals Love {Red}

I hear footsteps approaching and check my watch. Ten o’clock exactly, it has to be her. My suspicions are confirmed when she says, “Hi Fleet.” I grin, looking at her familiar shy smile, but it’s such a sweet one. She dives straight into the water; I don’t know why I thought she would dry for even a minute. “So what’s up?” she asks, motioning me to join her. I slip off the edge of the dock, shoot straight down under the water and come up for air.

“Oh, you know, I thought a cool midnight swim would be a great place to-” To what, Fleet? Kiss her? I blink hard, ordering him to shut up. There’s no denying it, Amicia is beautiful, delicate like a petal and graceful as a swan. I would kiss her. Why, Fleet? Shut up, shut up, shut up! Only a second has passed, and I continue, “-have a laugh. And I want to show you something! Follow me.”

I start swimming out to sea, heading south a little. My heart is racing; I’ve never shown anyone the reef before, although I’m probably not the only one who knows about it. I picture the place in my mind: vibrantly coloured aquatic plants, schools of dancing fish, pebbles and pearls. And it’s out of the way of the ship routes, leaving us alone. Alone for what? Gonna tell her you love her?

No, I’m not, I say to myself. She’s lovely, but... But what? I get angry with the devil on my shoulder. But she probably thinks I’m a freak since I have conversations with myself! There, that did it. I think back over the years and try to picture where this voice evolved from. It was never present as a young child, only when I began to train as a Career – which reminds me! “What do you think our chances are this year in the Hunger Games? That Naida seems to have some guts.”

While I wait for the reply I go over the times when I’ve heard Fleet Two. When I’ve been fighting, when Harp pushes me around, when I’m talking to girls. When emotions are running high. Bloodlust, anger and nerves bring him out in me. Fear. He’s my fears, and I always want him to go away. There aren’t many things in this world that pose a true, terrifying threat to me, but this voice is one of them. I try and focus on Amicia, willing her with all my soul to take my mind off such thoughts, because when I don’t think, he doesn’t talk.

“Yeah, she seems good.” I guess she isn’t keen on the Games, I say to myself. But I can’t understand why; the competition, the display of strength and skill, all twelve districts are brought together once a year for the huge event! She doesn’t like the death. The answer is so blatantly obvious to me, but I somehow shrug it off. People die all the time, like my parents. My father knew he would die when he saved his crew, but he still went ahead with it. And my mother left this earth literally in a heartbeat. I could drop dead if I push myself too hard, but that hasn’t stopped me yet. “So where are we going?” Amicia asks me, looking into my eyes and swimming beside me. She swims faster and I speed up too, pushing the thoughts back inside the locked treasure chest in my mind.

“There’s a pretty little coral reef out here,” I reply, lying on my back in the water and staring up at the blanket of stars. “I go fishing there all the time, but I’ve never taken anyone else out here before. I thought you might like it. There’s an oyster colony - maybe we’ll find pearls!” I grin, picturing hundreds of the milky spheres ready to turn into jewellery. “I could make you a bracelet if we find any.”

Before she can answer to my offer I submerge myself, pushing my arms over my head to force me deeper into the water, and look around. The water goes from aqua to a deep sky blue, then plunges into navy and black as it nears the seabed. I look ahead through the darkness, searching for something in particular. There! Rocks jut out from the coast and sandy floor, rising and rising towards the surface, covered in corals, anenemies and seaweed, surrounded by the flickering of several schools of tropical fish. I kick my legs with full power and burst through the surface, wiping the salt water from my eyes.

I grin, knowing that my hair looks daft when it’s soaked and flattened to my skull. I start swimming quickly to Amicia, gesturing for her to follow. “It’s this way, not far now if we’re fast. So what do you say to that bracelet?” I keep looking at her, not bothering to see where I’m going. There are no ships about and I’ve never seen a shark so close to shore in my life. I estimate a three minute swim now that we’re going the right way.

“Sure. I would love one,” she smiles. I smile back, trying to keep up with her. I suppose that I don’t spend as much time in the water if I’m hard at work on a boat; falling into the waves and white horses means death and abandonment. But the course to the reef has built my skills over the years, giving me enough practice, but not enough to be as good in the water as she is.

As we draw near to the rocks I hear a gasp escape from her lips. Because the tide is low the reef appears to be a small island, not too far out of the water but wide and flat. The seaweed and shellfish line the rocks, providing us with enough handholds and grips to climb out of the salty water. Once I’m sat comfortably I shake my head quickly, throwing off a good deal of water and leaving my hair to stick up in random directions. I carefully remove a large, round stone from its place to reveal a small hole containing a net.

“It’s easier to keep it here,” I explain, pulling it out and handing one end to Amicia. “I’m sure both our families could do with some extra food. Wrap it around that rock over there, and don’t be afraid of ripping it; I can always make a new one.” I leave my end on the smooth stone, ready to use later on to trap some fish.

I want to ask her other things about the Games. Do you know the tributes? Any of the other districts look good? What do you think the Arena will be like? But I know she won’t appreciate it. It’s a miracle that she even likes me if I’m such a typical Career. Muscles and guts and blades rule my thought processes. She isn’t the same, so why did I ask the gentle swimmer for company tonight?

I look over to Amicia, smiling softly. I take in her wavy red hair and blue-grey eyes. Yes, she’s beautiful. But I can’t be that shallow, surely? Besides there’s lots of pretty girls here in District 4, and most of them are more noticeable than this one. My eyes go up to the stars. There are so many that I wonder how nights can stay so dark. Even in millions of diamond flashes, I can still pick out the brightest ones. That’s what she is: a bright, heavenly star. But what makes her shine so brightly?

I sigh and pick myself up. I offer her my hand and ask, “Let’s have a look for those oysters, shall we?”

(OOC: Don’t worry about it; I just blab on and on. Coding tomorrow, been at the theatre all day. ^^ This is kinda tacky I think, but oh well.)

She grabs my hand and practically drags me along the miniature beach, kicking up clods of sand as we go. We’re both smiling wildly; the crisp air is a refreshing change from the hanging, fishy stench of our home. I want to keep going, to run alongside her, hand in hand, but I simply can’t. I can already feel my heart straining, my legs buckling.

I suddenly let go of her hand and drop like a stone onto the ground. I’m perfectly fine, I just need a rest. “Sorry,” I manage to gasp, “I’m fast, but not very good at long distances.” Long distances? Ha! It was barely a hundred metres, not even at a sprint. Still, I’ve just swam half a mile to get here with barely a break. Once I have recovered my breathing I sit down properly, digging my feet into the sand. Cool. Wet. A wave rushes over my legs, bringing with it a small piece of driftwood. I hesitantly pick it up, and hold it like a pen.

I dig it into the sand and draw a vertical line, then stop. What next? I begin to panic, overwhelmed by the meaningless symbols that appear in every book. Slowly, I manage to scrape the shape of my name into the ground. I know what it says, but only because I recognise it as one – I don’t understand the individual letters. I write an addition sign next to it, as I have no problem with maths. “What does your name look like?”

She doesn’t know that I’m illiterate; barely anyone knows. I can’t even place why I’m giving it away. No, wait – I can. I feel safe with her, secure. But what does a Career have to be afraid of? says the devil on my shoulder. Why does he need protection? I recall my lessons in fighting: swords, spears, defence, boxing. I shouldn’t need to have a sanctuary, especially not in a girl so meek and mild. But as I hand her the driftwood, only a second after asking my question, I understand that it couldn’t be any other way.

I’ve had no one, no one at all, to be relaxed with. My uncle is controlling and work-orientated, and I always have the shadow of my cousin lingering over me. My friends are as bloodthirsty as I am. There is only Amicia that I can imagine opening her arms to me. If only one person is to ever hug me in life, then it’s sure to be her. I smile, waiting to see her name written by my own.

(OOC: Got a new title! ^^ And hundredth post!)

‘Fleet+Amicia=<3’ Wow. I sit for a moment, trying to memorise the swirling shapes before me. I want to be able to write her name as she has, not in the blocky lines of my own messy handwriting. I suppose that something good has finally come out of my problem; I can recreate this shape without influence from my normal style. And the equals love... "Pretty , isn't it." I nod, my mind working through a tough equation of words. A heart is a sign of love, and love can range from parents to siblings, to friends to partners. But it isn’t something you just scribble down. No, in this case, it’s the last option.

I move over to sit right next to her. Without thinking, I plant a light kiss on her cheek. I can hear my Career side screaming in rage of how stupid I am, how she is weak and worthless. No she isn’t, I think, looking straight ahead of me now, out to sea. She’s perfect. “We should meet up like this more often,” I whisper, finding her hand and entwining my fingers with hers. I just want to sit for a moment, compare my two lives.

A lonely boy growing up in a harsh, torturing world. School is hell; the teachers have no patience or compassion for his difficulties, and he is left alone to wander the world without basic knowledge; his elder cousin pushes him around, demanding his dinner money, humiliating him. There is no one to run to, as the only adult in his life has his own problems to worry about.

Being forced down the path of physical achievement, a different boy rises from the ashes. He doesn’t replace the first one completely, but he is the one that’s most apparent to those who meet him. As soon as he’s strong enough to start pushing others around, he uses his power to his advantage. He’s cunning, bold, frightening. But that lonely child from the years before is still there, and can sometimes be seen in his eyes. He still longs for love, but he doesn’t really know where to find it. Until now.

I’ve found it for sure, and I don’t need to be strong or brave or a long distance runner for this girl, because Amicia has all that instead. She has a strong will, strong enough to bring out the better side of me, and is brave to make the first move by writing her message in the sand. And I already know about the running. I’m smiling, but not from something funny or because I’m thinking about nice things. I am truly, deeply, genuinely happy. My other hand finds something smooth and small on the sand; I bring it up to my line of sight, marvelling at the perfect sphere, the swirling colours and the shining in the moonlight. “Five more to go,” I say, showing her the pearl. “This one is you, the next will be me, then four others for our district. How about we get on with that search?”

“Sure, sounds like a plan. But I have to do something first.” I look at her to ask what it is, and she kissed me. Properly, not my quick peck on the cheek. As I sit there, utterly stunned, she gets up and sprints down the beach. I watch her, aware in the furthest depths of my mind that my jaw is open and my eyes are as large as the moon. She drops to the sand, running her fingers through it. I am left to contemplate the last minute as I make my way slowly towards her.

No going back now, I think. Who would have guessed it? I only invited her out here tonight to show her that I like her, not full on fancy her. But now... Well, telling myself that I have a crush on her would be lying. She’s wonderful – why would I want to wait any longer? I’m nearing her now, but Fleet Two somehow manages to push through into my consciousness. Last chance, buddy. I’m your ticket to being a Victor. You’re nothing without my advice!

It’s not over, Fleet. We can even use her to our advantage. I stop, shocked at the thought. I have just suggested the cruellest, shallowest form of deception I can think of; oh, it might be the bloodthirsty part of me, whispering away, clinging onto the hope that I am inhuman. But it’s still a part of me. I hate it. That side of me was formed by abandonment, neglect, not love. It grew from a seed of hate planted as early as I can remember; a deep hate for my cousin, my uncle, my teachers, my rivals. And I can’t let it affect what I have with Amicia, I simply can’t.

No. The word is short, simple, but it stands for so much in my soul. I join her side, choosing once and for all to rid myself of the monster within. And perhaps she can help me do it. I put an arm around her and draw her close, putting my chin on top of her head so that she rests on my chest. “I can’t be that bad of a kisser, surely?” I joke, referring to her flight. “Let’s check the rocks; there are usually some oysters up there.” I stand, brush the sand off my minimal clothing, and offer her my hand. But all I can think of is how she will never understand the battle that goes on in my mind.