what hurts the most (OPEN)

3 years 6 months 13 days. that's how long it had been. how long it had been since my world had been stable normal. i don't know why I kept track of the days. I just did, maybe I thought if I kept track some how it would feel like a reward of somewhat knowing I had survived that long. I don't know. The coast. I don't exactly know why but when ever I feel depressed i come here. the cold breeze that blew off the water was like a constant reminder that i was poor because even though i was better off then some because i only have to feed my self i still don't have alot of money.
I kicked a stone and watched it teeter on the edge of the cliff before falling to the waves below. "i could do it." i thought "no one would notice till later if i was gone" but even as i thought it and sat there looking down at the blue-green waves beating at the cliff face i knew that i couldn't. i would just swim to the surface and then what would be the point?
"mama i miss you" i said again for the 3rd time that day as i plotted up the trail. "i miss you, i miss you" saying it again and again seeking something as i quicked my pace till i was running and i reached the top. Tears were streaking down my cheek's now and there was nothing to stop them. then i saw her another girl was sitting on a rock. she whispered something as a watched her and saw the pain in saying it hit her like a blow. she whispered something else then threw a pebble at the water below. i waited a minute the said "i know how you feel"

"I know how you feel" I hadn't ment to say those words they just slipped out when the girl jumped at the words i make me feel bad, i hadnt ment to scare her. She seemed to take a second to get her self back together before saying "what did you mean when how i felt?" it was an honest question one that i wasn't sure my answer would be good enough for "well" I said I slowly walking up next to her "I saw you crying and just somehow I guess knew you were feeling the same kinda pain I was feeling inside. If you get whati mean. I lost my mother and even though its been 3 years it still hurts. usally i just come up here to let it all out. and you looked like you were doing the same thing and i guess in my pain i saw you and knew somehow how you felt and it just slipped out im sorry if i offended you" i was babbling and i knew it and at that though it flooded my cheeks already red wiht the cold air even redder. 'oh boy nice introduction babbles

"I'm sorry if you want to be alone, I probably should get back to my...ah man." tears started to flow again as i plopped on the ground next to the girl "does it get any better?" I hate it I hate showing weakness but what can i do? The water looks inviting and yet at times replusing always crashing and foaming. Slowly i pulled out the knife, the knife he stabbed her with. I don't know if it's in my head or really there but no matter how hard i tried to clean the blade a red stain on the tip.

slowly i pull my gaze away from the tip of the blade and look at the girl "Oh no, it's nice having someone to talk to, really. Ever since the Peacekeepers shot Finn, he... changed, i should say. Doesn't even know who i am anymore." she says then smiles. The smile looks a little forced and I understand I've do the same thing or at least try to put up a wall and block my emothions from showing "It hurts. I mean, watching the person you love with all your heart, slip away like that. He gets worse every day. At first he knew who i was, but two days ago he had no idea. I was a stranger to him..." she continued i see her stiffen when i shift the blade and light reflex off it but she relaxes when she relises I'm just putting it away trying to hid the red stain thats blossoming on it. I snap my head back up though when she say "Care to join us?" it might have been my imagination but i swore there was alittle mockery in there like she was inderectly saying 'i know you were evesdroping and i want to call you out on it ha!" it even more so when she then smiled

"It's my ex. He's dying. I know I'm with you now, and its ok if you're mad. Its just, he's only 18. People shouldn't die that early! Its not fair." My voice cracked as it raised higher with every word. I grabbed Alex's hand tightly and held it against my heart.

"You can stay if you want." I smiled. "Really, its no big deal." I grabbed her hand as she tried to get up to leave. I liked having a girl to talk to. Of course I have and always will have Alex to talk to, but a girl would better understand another girl than a guy would. I know that she understands what I'm going through, and she can relate to the feeling. "Maybe we could all eat together?" I asked her. After the words left my mouth i immediatly regretted saying them. I don't want to force her to cook for two extra people! Food is hard enough to get for your own family, let alone two people she just met today. "If that's ok with you. Alex and I will go home and get cleaned up a bit. I can even bring some bread if you'd like." Now I know i'm intruding. I didn't even wait for her to answer me before i told her that Alex and i will go get cleaned up for dinner!