Be {Somebody/Anybody} [Tamina]

Deception Hammond

Trying to find myself.

I was wrong. It took exactly ten minutes for my fingers to freeze. I can still play, but now, instead of the dogs watching me, they're all barking at me to stop. I have to admit, it sounds pretty bad. It reminds me of when Harvard was teaching me how to play. The dogs would gather up in the living room when Harvard played, then start howling when I tried to copy him. It's been years since Harvard has played, but I don't think the dogs mind. To them, I'm just as good. I never questioned why Harvard stopped. I guess I just assumed he was too busy with beer and making sure we actually had money to play. Maybe it was something else. Maybe he stopped because I started. It's possible he only taught me to pass on the talent. The time we spent playing together was the only thing that could constitute as "family time" between the two of us. He told me once that my father could play, too. It would make sense if he stopped playing because of my father's death, because it was too painful for him. Maybe that's why he started drinking, too.

It's a lot of questions, ones I don't have answers to. I could ask Harvard, but we don't have that kind of relationship. I've never thought before about how it must have been for him to raise his dead brother's kid. It can't have been too bad. I turned out alright. At least, I have in my opinion. Maybe there's something horrible lurking deep in my subconscious, and I won't find out what a terrible person I am until later. Probably not. That sounds like one of those stories people make up to make sure their children behave.

I shove my hands in my pockets, trying to warm them up, while balancing my guitar upside-down across my knees. I bend my head down, trying to keep my face warm. A cold wind comes out of nowhere and slaps my face. I glare at it, knowing it won't do any difference. But at least it makes me feel better. When I look up, I see a girl walking my way. She's shorter than me by at least half a foot, but can't be more than two years younger. She doesn't look like she has too much money, so I don't think it's likely that she's here for the dog. Maybe she's here looking for a job.

I'm already rising to meet her when she slips on the snow. I rush forward as she tries to catch herself, but lands on the ground instead. I don't reach her in time to catch her. I crouch beside her, my pants getting wet from the snow. I don't care. It'll dry. Holding onto her arm, I slowly pull her up to her feet, keeping my hand there as I ask, "Are you okay?

Deception Hammond

Feel like a guitar that's never played.

It always starts somehow. That moment of falling. That moment of catching yourself. That moment of deciding. And for me, it happens far too often. With the departure of girlfriend number two, I have been brought down to exactly one girlfriend. In all honesty, that scares the shit out of me. I can't be alone. I have to make sure I have someone by my side, forever and always. And if Kylee breaks up with me, I'm alone.

So this is that the moment. The moment I look a girl in the eye and decide if I want her. Sometimes, that moment never comes. Sometimes, all I want is a friend. I'm good at telling at first glance who would be better as a friend and as a girlfriend. But my first glance at this girl doesn't tell me a thing. All I know is that she's dirt poor, probably clumsy, and that she already likes me. And the only reason I know that is because she's bright red. Around me, girls don't turn red because they're cold. It's because of me.

Call me cocky if you want, but I know the truth. I've been doing this long enough to know how things work. If I wanted this girl, I could have her in a heartbeat. Thing is, I don't know if I do. "Um... I came to talk to you about buying a dog." she says. I raise my eyes brows at her. Guess she isn't looking for a job after all. It's a good thing, too, because we don't have any for her. I feel like I should just send her away, convince her that she doesn't want a dog. I doubt she can feed herself that well, let alone an animal. But if she has the money, I guess I have to let her pick one out. Even if she doesn't have that much money, and it feels wrong to take it from her, I know I have to. This is how Harvard and I survive. It shouldn't matter who we get our money from.

I pull my hand away from her arm, realizing it's been there for a while. "Uh, no offense, but are you sure you have money for a pet?"

Deception Hammond

Will someone strum away?

Okay, so she's pretty cute. The shy way she tells me she's been saving up, and the way she asks to see the dogs. Selection. She says it like the dogs here are lobsters you'd pick out at a fancy restaurant. Like they're actually pretty valuable. Even though I've always known that it's these dogs that put food on the table, I've never thought of them as valuable before. They're just a nuisance to me. Honestly, I can't wait until I'm old enough to live alone, and I don't have to deal with them anymore. What am I saying? I'll probably get so lonely I'll come back and beg Harvard to sell me a dog. And he'd just laugh in my face and kick my pathetic ass out the door.

I lead her around the house to the kennels. The dogs jump up against the chain link fences, straining to get a sniff of our visitor. The first two kennels are the really goos dogs, the ones Harvard sends to the Capitol. They're harmless little things with soft fur, and they don't mind people petting them all the time. Basically, they're the perfect lapdog. Even if this girl wanted one of them, she couldn't have one. Harvard would kill me if I sold one for less than what it was worth. I stop in front of a kennel filled with brown dogs that have floppy ears. Opening the gate, I step in, motioning for the girl to come in too. Immediately, the dogs start jumping all over us. I push their snouts away from me as they lean their front paws against my hips and legs. "Sorry about them. For some reason, they really like me." Despite myself, I lean over to rub a couple of dogs on the back, then scratch behind one's ears. Straitening, I add, "My name's Dep, by the way."

One dog sits alone in the corner. Harvard told me a few day ago that one of the dogs wasn't eating much, and I have to assume he was talking about this one. I don't know why Harvard didn't move it to one of the smaller kennels where it could be alone, but I make a mental note to do so later. For now, I just pet it for a second, hoping to make it look a little happier. It doesn't work. "So, you can have your pick of the dogs here. Or if you want a different color, I can show you some others." I shove my cold fingers back into my pockets and lean against the fence. I tilt my face up to the sky, letting the cold air touch my cheeks and my neck. The sky's been gray for almost two weeks now, and though I don't mind it so much, I do miss seeing those big fluffy clouds. Those are for summer though, and summer is long gone.

Deception Hammond

And I ask myself
Who do I wanna be?

I want to lie to her. Tell her that yeah, the dog has a name, because that's what she wants to hear. I don't want to think we're horrible, terrible people. But the truth is that only Harvard's favorites get names, the ones that have the nicest puppies that bring in the most money. There's too many dogs here to name them all, and actually remember the names. But while I can cover my tracks and hide the truth in when I'm trying to keep a girlfriend secret, I can't lie about things like this. I can lie, but I'd rather be honest.

"He doesn't have a name, sorry," I tell her. I want to explain to her why, but for some reason, the words won't come out. They probably don't matter in the long run, anyway. There aren't a lot of words that do. There are words you remember, and words you don't, and out of the words you remember there are the ones that change you and the ones that make you change. Words that people hurl at you, telling you that you aren't good enough, that make you want to prove you wrong. Words like the first time someone says they love you, and you know it's true. Break-up lines usually fall under both of these categories.

"If you want him, you can have him. For free, I mean. He's not worth much to Harvard at this point, but if he lives without a bunch of other dogs around him all the time, I bet he'd be a pretty good dog." Harvard will probably kill me for giving away a dog for free, but he'd have to admit that I'm right. Even if we got the dog to a separate kennel and took special care of him, he still wouldn't be worth half as much as the dogs here. Harvard probably wouldn't end up selling him anyway, except maybe to District Two, where he'd get even less money for it. Cruel as it sounds, Harvard would probably put the dog out of its misery. It's more economical, and when you barely have enough money to get by, that's the sort of thing you have to do. At least we haven't had to resort to eating any dogs.

Deception Hammond

There’s a place that we ought to go to be alone.

The girlfriend question doesn't really surprise me. Part of me was expecting it, I guess. Whenever I'm around girls, I prepare myself for that question, just so I don't slip up. I scratch the back of my head, drawing my fingers out from their semi-warm cocoon. I draw my fingers slowly through my hair, reminding myself I need to take a shower soon. Tomorrow morning. The water's always warmer in the morning, and Harvard will be sleeping, so I won't have to worry about him yelling at me to get out because he has to pee. I put my fingers back in my pockets and lean against the fence once again.

"No, I don't have a girlfriend." At first, it was hard to lie to people about something like that. But once I'd done it a few times, it wasn't so bad. People do what they have to do to get what they need. Some people need drugs or alcohol. I need girls. A few moments after the words leave my mouth, all the dogs stop barking. Tamina perks her head up and looks around. And that's when I hear it. A deep, ominous rumbling in the distance. Hooking the tip of my shoe into the chain-link fence, I hoisted myself up, scrambling close to the top of the six-foot fence.

My heart thunders in my chest. Not because I have a real reason to be afraid, but because I know what those beasts can do. I've felt those footsteps in my dreams before. I've caught snippets in my memories, even though I was almost too young to remember. The cattle are stampeding. There's a bunch of them on the land near ours. They aren't usually that bad, but once in a while, they manage to break through the fences and start a really bad stampede. A stampede bad enough to flatten kennels and kill dogs. Or people. I should know. It's how I lost my parents.

I scramble down from the fence, landing on my butt disgracefully. I wipe it off as I get to my feet, hurrying towards the kennel door. "Come on, Tamina. I need you to help me get all the kennels open so the dogs can run. They'll stand a better chance if they can get out of the cattle's way." I don't wait for her to answer, just start ripping through the yard, unlatching gates and shouting at the dogs to go, slapping at the fence to scare them out. The rumbles get louder. "There's a door around the side of the house that leads to the cellar!" I shout at Tamina. "Go in there, I'll meet you in a second!" I have to get Harvard. The cattle probably won't do much damage to the house. Most likely they'll just go around it. But just to safe, I have to get Harvard in the cellar. He'd never forgive me if he missed another stampede.

Deception Hammond

If it’s cool with you I’ll take you there.

It only takes me a moment to get in the house and locate Harvard on the couch. He's snoring loudly, his hand dripping off the edge, oblivious to the coming stampede. I stare at him, my heart thundering in my chest, just watching him for a while. It would be so easy to leave him here, to let whatever would happen to him happen. Maybe it would be nothing, and he wouldn't even notice what had happened. Or maybe he'd get hurt. Either way, I know in my heart that I can't leave him. I can't risk losing the only person in my life that cares for me, even if it is in his own small way. Losing him the same way I lost my parents would hurt too much.

Shaking his arm, I shout his name over and over until he opens his eyes slowly. I tell him we have to get out of the house, tugging on his arm and trying to explain what's happening. I feel like a child again, begging an adult to go along with some game I've made up. But this is no game. It's serious. Groggily, he gets to his feet, wincing at the sound of cattle drawing near. He probably has a headache. Harvard's not a morning person in the best of circumstances, so I can only imagine how this rude awakening is affecting his mood. Pulling him along after me, a strange feeling comes over me. I feel close to Harvard, more like a nephew than an orphaned child. Harvard's always been my uncle, but most of the time, he just feels like a stranger. Now, though, a connection ripples between us, strong as our common blood.

On the porch, Harvard reminds me to collect my guitar. I'm glad he does, because that's one thing I don't want destroyed. We hardly have the money to replace it, and it has a lot of sentimental value too. He pulls loose of my grasp as we near the cellar, placing his hand on my back and guiding me in before him. He looks around before I descend the steps, making sure the dogs have been let loose. They'll come back. They know they can get food here. Harvard pulls the doors closed just moments before the thundering of hooves sounds to be nearly over our heads. He ushers us away from the door, using his arms to sweep us into a corner. He doesn't ask any questions about Tamina, so I'm assuming he's figured out that she's our customer. After fumbling around in the dark for a few moments, Harvard strikes a match and lights a couple of candles, handing one to Tamina and one to me before lighting one for himself. I don't know why he bothers, since we probably won't be here that long anyway.

I look over at Tamina, trying to figure out how she's feeling. It's clear she isn't used to this type of thing, which means she's probably lived her whole life near the center of the District, where there are more houses than there are animals. Without thinking, I reach over and grab her hand. "It's okay, Tamina. It's gonna be okay." I can see Harvard smirking at me, but I don't care. He doesn't know that I have so many girlfriends, and I honestly don't think I'd ever be able to tell him. We're not nearly close enough for that. He knows I've had girlfriends, of course. But I make a point not to introduce them to him. I don't really like people knowing that I live with a drunk. I guess with Tamina, though, that isn't really an option. But all of this might not turn into anything at all.