joey district two

peeta98
Seam Resident

9 POSTS
last seen Feb 23, 2012 15:03:47 GMT -5

joey district two Dec 19, 2011 1:02:31 GMT -5

Post by peeta98 on Dec 19, 2011 1:02:31 GMT -5

Name: joseph
Age: 13
Gender: Male
District/Area: District 2
Appearance:

joey is 5'7. he is slightly big at 205 pounds. he has dark misty blue eyes. usually wears blue jeans and a skull tee.he has a big nose.

he is some times tanned. at other times he can be very pale white. he has blond/dark brown hair. he has really cool shoes that he found in the woods. and he usually has sunglasses on.

Personality:

joey can be very polite. unless someone try to start a fight with him. or is rude to him. then he can be very very disrespectful. so to say.

one of his main traits, or skills would be swordsmanship. he is extremely good at it. he trained himself everything he knows. but now hes teaching a freind of his.

a flaw in his swordsmanship though. is its a melee weapon. and they're are so many good archers. he could get killed on the first day of the hunger games. so hes getting his friend to teach him archery. but he hasn't learned how to handle one quite right.

History:

when joey was only 3 his parents got a divorce. his dad was a major alcoholic. so it was better for him any way. but his mom had to be both parents. so it was hard on them.

his mom finally got settled in with a husband, when his dad died. joey was 8 when all this happened. joey didnt trust him though. he was a buisness man that only did buisness with other ladies and joey didnt know how to tell his mom so he didnt.

when joey turned 10 both of his parents were dead. he stayed in the woods for a long time. he had to make a sword out of a stick and metal. he stole the metal from the mines. it wasnt the best looking thing but it protected him until he turned 13. but now its the reaping and if his name gets called then nothing can protect him and he knows it.

Codeword: oDair
Comments/Other:

Last Edit: Dec 21, 2011 1:02:54 GMT -5 by peeta98

peeta98 Seam Resident 9 POSTS last seen Feb 23, 2012 15:03:47 GMT -5	joey district two Dec 19, 2011 19:34:50 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by peeta98 on Dec 19, 2011 19:34:50 GMT -5 so anyone going to tell me if i did it right or if i have to redo it

Baby Wessex d9b [earthling] Administrator 9,638 POSTS Pronouns: She/Her last seen Nov 10, 2024 11:48:08 GMT -5 cameron stood in line for an hour for a stupid ride for me <3 best <3	joey district two Dec 20, 2011 17:43:32 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Baby Wessex d9b [earthling] on Dec 20, 2011 17:43:32 GMT -5 [/i] five sentences per paragraph. You have the right number of paragraphs in each section but they are all entirely too light. Please be sure you meet our site minimum, and then post a reply back ^^[/size][/ul]
	credit umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars] credit ✨ zozo. - chars -

peeta98 Seam Resident 9 POSTS last seen Feb 23, 2012 15:03:47 GMT -5	joey district two Dec 20, 2011 22:46:56 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by peeta98 on Dec 20, 2011 22:46:56 GMT -5 k thx

peeta98 Seam Resident 9 POSTS last seen Feb 23, 2012 15:03:47 GMT -5	joey district two Dec 20, 2011 23:10:54 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by peeta98 on Dec 20, 2011 23:10:54 GMT -5 there Ive fixed it as soon as someone can please tell me if i got it or not thx.

Baby Wessex d9b [earthling] Administrator 9,638 POSTS Pronouns: She/Her last seen Nov 10, 2024 11:48:08 GMT -5 cameron stood in line for an hour for a stupid ride for me <3 best <3	joey district two Dec 21, 2011 13:07:35 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Baby Wessex d9b [earthling] on Dec 21, 2011 13:07:35 GMT -5 [/size][/ul]
	credit umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars] credit ✨ zozo. - chars -

Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]
Retired Staff

6,346 POSTS
Pronouns: He/Him
last seen Nov 17, 2023 15:15:56 GMT -5

cozy, queer af

joey district two Feb 23, 2012 14:17:20 GMT -5

Post by Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] on Feb 23, 2012 14:17:20 GMT -5

Why hello there :-D

Your app will be accepted as soon as you fix the following things.

- Capitalize all of your sentences and proper nouns. In the title, in the paragraphs, in the name section. Everywhere.

- Joey is obese. At 5'7" and 205 pounds, not "slightly big." He probably wouldn't have such availability of food, please lower his weight.

- Stop cheating with your sentences. We don't look for number of sentences, not when they're weak and only a few words long. Lengthen your sentences, give life to the writing. It should NOT sound like a list of traits.

- This should go without saying, but add more information into his appearance. And personality. And history. This should come when you lengthen your sentences, but the minimum of 5 sentences is a minimum. Going around doing the bare minimum forever isn't going to get you anywhere, and for this app to be accepted you might really need more than 5. How difficult could it possibly be?

Here's what you wrote:

joey can be very polite. unless someone try to start a fight with him. or is rude to him. then he can be very very disrespectful. so to say.

That's one trait. ONE trait. All over this app, your sentences can be joined together to form larger sentences that are actually coherent and correct.

For example:

Joey can be very polite, unless someone is rude or tries to start a fight with him. Then he can be very very disrespectful, so to say.

You'll notice that's two sentences. This is why your app is so short -- all you've done is break the rules of syntax to add periods places so it looks like you've actually pulled five sentences out of some place.
Add more.

- The fact that he's good with weapons belongs in the history section, not the personality. Move all of the weapon information from one section to the other, and tell us about what kind of person he is. But then, how did he become good with swords? Is he a Career?

- If he lives in the woods, he's a wanderer, not a District Two citizen.

- Remove the part about making a sword. That sword would be weak and would break within days.

- How did his mom die? We know little to nothing about his life! Details, details, details!

- He could not have lived in the woods at 10. He would have been sent to a community home if his parents died.

I think that's it for now. Post here when you're done editing!