Stop Searching {Lydie}

Up tired with your blue eyes crying and you’re
Upset like you’re tired of trying and
You gave it away; you think you’ll figure out.

He was tired of being alone. It was his fault, mostly. He was a social creature, and yet he'd left his home and family behind. He'd stopped hating himself for the amount of time he'd been gone. No, it was better to hate himself for running. If he'd stayed, he might have endured a few weeks in the Detention Center, and then he would have been returned home. At the worst, he would have been avoxed, and in that case he would have es aped and gone home. But instead, he'd run, afraid of the consequences. If he was brave, he wouldn't have left. If he was a good brother, he would have taken the punishment. Instead, he'd hid out in the woods, afraid to come home.

But what had he really been afraid of? The Peacekeepers? If he looked deep inside himself, he could say that was not the truth. He'd been afraid of being an older brother forever. He didn't want to spend his whole life with Savannah leaning up against him. He wanted to meet a lovely girl someday, settle down and get married. Savannah would still be a part of his life, of course, but she would have her own husband, her own children to take care of. Redge didn't want her to be so dependent on him. So maybe that was why he'd truly left.

All the same, he was tired of solitude. For a short while, he'd had Ariadne's company. But after they'd left the Capitol, they had parted ways. What he wanted and what she wanted were not the same thing. Redge wanted to go home, but he was afraid now of what he would find. He needed to see Savannah again, know that she was safe. He wanted to see that she had made friends without him, but at the same time, he was afraid to find out if he'd been replaced. The worst thing of all would be to return home only to see that she had died. He knew she hadn't been Reaped while he was away; he'd checked into that when he was in the Capitol. But there were still hundreds of other ways she could have met her demise.

After a day of walking, all Redge wanted was to rest. He'd been wandering around in circles for days, trying to decide what to do next. He needed an excuse, a reason not to head home. Unfortunately, he had none. So he pretended he was lost, even though years in these woods had made such a thing nearly impossible. He knew every trail and stream, every fallen tree and dried-up pond. He knew where to go for the sweetest water and the plumpest berries, and where to find the largest squirrels in the fall. He knew what caves to avoid in the winter, and which trees to climb in the spring to avoid being attacked by mother birds. This forest was about as strange to him as seeing the sun rise in the morning. There was rarely a day when something new happened. There was a quiet, simple predictability to the woods. He knew things here better than anywhere else.

When he found a place to settle down, Redge dropped his pack and sat down. He was in a small cave, barely large enough to shelter him, but it would do. Using his bag as a pillow, he lay down on the hard rock and quickly fell asleep. His dreams were filled with nonsense, as they often were. Shapes swirling around, voices he almost recognized. Occasionally, he caught sight of a slim white hand reaching into a ball filled with strips of paper. When he woke, a layer of sweat coated his brow. He wiped it away with the back of his hand, breathing hard. Most nights, he woke up this way. Sweaty, breathing hard, as if he'd been having a nightmare. But he could never remember anything distinctly nightmarish in his dreams.

Redge emerged from his small home, pulling his pack after him. He had some food left inside, which he quickly consumed. New plants were beginning to grow around him, for which Redge was grateful. He was running low on food and had no way to hunt, so fresh food would be his only source of nourishment. Slinging his arms into the straps of his pack, Redge headed down a worn trail. It led to a small, clear pool of water a few feet deep. There were no fish there, and hardly any growth at all, but it was a good place for a wash, of which Redge was in dire need of. He left his pack and his clothes close the edge of the pool and dove in. He didn't have any soap, but he bathed the best he could without it. At first, the coolness of the water felt good against his skin. The longer he stayed, however, the colder the water felt, until soon he was shivering. Redge dunked his head under the water one last time, plugging his nose and counting slowly upwards from one to see how long he could stay under. Somewhere around eighty, he shot back to the surface, gasping in air.

Scrambling back to shore, he dried off using a small square of cloth. Then he pulled his clothes back on, with the exception of his shirt. He had to see something before he put it back on. He turned so his back was facing the water, which had calmed since his departure, and was now flat and mirror-like. Craning his neck, he look over his shoulder into his reflection. It wasn't the clearest image, but at least it was something. The scars criss-crossing his back were still there, the result of the whipping he'd endured shortly before fleeing District Ten. They'd been angry and red once, but had since faded into raised white lines. he ran his fingertips over them. There was no sense or pattern to the scars, and Redge took comfort in that. In his small world filled with certainty and order, it was nice to have a reminder that things unexpected and confusing could sometimes happen. He'd been following the rules of the forest for a long time, and if you stopped and watched for a while, you would realize that there is a strict order and set of rules to that world.

With a sigh, Redge pulled the shirt over his head and perched on a rock a foot away from the water. He put his head in his hands. He couldn't stay here like this forever, running from his own shadow. Sooner or later, he'd have to rejoin society. Most likely he'd go back to District Ten and settle there, but really, after he checked on Savannah, he could go anywhere. District Nine, District Three...maybe he'd just stay at each District for a year or so and then move on, settling down when he found a good enough reason to stay. He'd probably get caught trespassing at some point, but he would risk it. That was part of what adventure was, after all.