As I Slowly Lose Myself

The adrenaline cursed through her veins, she was trembling. But this boy refused to give in. she wandered if she should just spit in his face and walk away, but he knew she couldn’t, something deep inside her told her they were more similar then she thought. That he was facing similar issues. That he was always forgotten and left out, like she was. Sometimes she does with that she was a normal person. That she could socialise with people without thinking about slicing her arm open just to distract herself. But that was never going to happen! She blamed it all on her mother! If her mother had just been normal, and not some lesbian child feeler she might not be so uncomfortable!!

She felt anger and longing run through her body. She clenched her fist and to control herself and took deep calming breaths. Her mother raged through her mind. When she was little she used to look out on the streets from the community home and see mother playing with their kids, having fun. She always long to have a normal mother. The girls eyes watered up with fresh tears, one’s she should of let go years ago. She hastily wiped them away she didn’t want to cry in front of a pathetic- wait! How could d=she call him pathetic, when she was just as bad?

She looked up at the boy, whose eyes were distracted as his mind raced. He seemed really annoyed, then he murmured something out loud that made the girls face screw up in confusion. Darren? Who’s Darren? then he took the time to answer the question. He wanted someone to skip with, and I looked promising… well she wasn’t sure how to react, especially with that dopey smile plastered to his face. It seemed quite desperate. Like he was alone in this huge world, just like her. they were both a lone with nowhere to escape. Then she stopped in her tracks, she did have somewhere to escape. She thought, then she took a moment to think about it. was the forest really a place where she could escape? Or was it just a place where she felt that she was a lone… more a lone than ever, just her blade and her .

The girl looked away from the boy. In all these years has she been actually escaping? Or just isolating herself even more? Just like her mother would have wanted… she couldn’t understand anything anymore her mind was going to fast for her, she was more confused than ever. She was always waiting. Waiting to accept the death that she felt would put her miserable life too an end where she never actually tried to make it more enjoyable. Maybe she wasn’t ready to die. Maybe there was something waiting for her further in life.

But e4ven though all these new possibilities have come to the girl, that hasn’t changed her social skills, these were just thoughts. What if they were rubbish that her brain wanted her to believe, then she would be hurt all over again. But what if she could make it work… she might actually be happy. But nothing came to mind on what she should say, so she just stared at the boy hoping that he could understand her silence.

As the girl stared at the boy she couldn’t help but notice the color of the boy’s eyes. They were a deep beautiful green. She got lost in them, the green glow surrounded her, enveloped her. But it wasn’t a frightening feeling, it was peaceful and gentle, it was a place where she wanted to be. It reminded her of being in the forest. The forest, she snarled to herself, side tracked. The forest. The word now seemed distant to her. The place where she believed she was taking refuge. Well it really wasn’t as it seemed. It was just a lie… in its own way.

Slowly she was washed to the surface of her day dream; slowly she looked away from those eyes. It was hard but she did it. why it was so hard? She didn’t know. The long silence would usually be comfortable for her. usually she would welcome it. welcome it with open arms. She loved silences. Love to hear her heart beating harder and stronger as it went on, loved to watch the uncomfortable expressions on the people around her… but this silence… this silence felt different. It was uncomfortable. It was different. But what was different about it the girl couldn’t put her finger on.

Finally after what seemed like forever the boy said something. Relief flowed through the girl as she absorbed the question that he through at her. she would like to walk, but what would she say. Would this uncomfortable silence get to much for her to take would she just walk away. She had to say something. Now. It was now or never. Then something hit the girl, she didn’t know his name, the name of this boy who seemed as socially awkward as her herself.

“sure.” She said trying to make her voice firm, not shake with nervous quiver, which were flowing through her strongly. She had to stay calm, this was a chance to rebuild her life, she had to go with it. “what’s your name?” she asked questioningly letting the words slice through the air, unexpectedly.

Elmo could feel her feet moving along the ground but her mind was still with the boy. The boy who was still standing there. Hand out. Then she realised she had taken off too quickly. That maybe listening to what the boy had to say first would be a better idea. She retraced her steps quickly, embarrassed of leaving the boy hanging, standing there with his hand out in a formal greeting. Normally a person would have taken the hand without hesitation. But this was Elmo. She wasn’t your normal average teen age girl. She was different. She was a insecure girl. she trusted no one. It wasn’t her fault really. It was her mother’s all hers. Elmo could feel the anger rise up through her, threatening to boil over, lucky Elmo was good at holding back her emotions.

But this boy was different. She wasn’t sure what it was about him. I mean he was a popular jerk, as Elmo usually would have said, but he seemed different here. Now. Like he was just pitting a show on when he was out in public view, like he wasn’t himself. Elmo had seen how easily he had been able to get a conversation going; she had watched him, like she watched everyone. But here, now? Be didn’t seem the same. Maybe she could take the chance. Maybe she could let her guard down. Just for this boy, who willingly is for her.

Finally she took hold of the boy hands. They were warm, and rough, callused from hard physical labour. But there was some comforting feeling about the strength that she could feel. Something that she liked. The warmth spread through her and Elmo couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face, this time it was real. Then embarrassed she looked away. Down at her feet. Feet that were all muddy from trudging along in the muddy forest. She had forgotten to put shoes on, in her rush to relieve herself of the mental pain, pain that was to be turned physical.

“ummm… Should we walk now?” she asked in a small vice still to embarrassed to look up at the boy. Instead she headed off. The direction that would lead them far, far away from the dreaded forest. The lie that she could never forgive. Heading in a new direction. A new direction to turn her whole life around.