Hiding Behind Smiles [Elegant]

I love watching the way the sun would set it was and always will be my most favourite thing in the world. I could spend hours, even before the sunset started setting picking out all the different colours. I would point out to myself all the different shades of blues, reds, oranges, yellows, pinks, purples. The list could go on forever. My favourite part about a sunset was the few minutes before the sun would dive below the sky, the time in which the most brightest and deepest shades of them all would shine, just as if it was the suns last chance to show you all how strong it was, and that no matter how many times you looked it would never be the same. The sun was so much like life, but it was different in a way that I could never understand. That was the other thing that I loved so much about the sun setting. The way it would always, no matter the amount you had watched, it would always be different. It was unique, the sun would always throw different colours at you as if it hoped that one day, just maybe one shade would make it stop, would save it from falling, but it never does.


But than when the sun sinks, and drowns, and the last of its life drains from the sky you see. I see the things that scare me the most in my life. When the sun sinks, when what seems to be my most treasured thing in life dies the stars come out. Stars, they scare me, everything about them, the way the twinkle and seem to peer at you. It all, all of it frightens me. I guess unlike night, light is my saviour, when the sun sets I not only feel joy and happiness at the dance of colours, but I also feel fear. Fear at the little lights that grin and smirk at you in the sky. It is all I see at night, and even in the safety of my home I know they still see me I know they still peer and snarl at me. It is what they are there for. So the day that Marian decided to go for a night walk was probably one of the worst days of my life. I scowled with deep distaste as mother told me to go find her, as she shoved me towards the door and the little eyes that seemed to stare hungrily down upon me. I glared at her and yelled for her to go fix the mess she had created, after all it was all her fault that Marian was out there, in the middle of the night.


There argument had led to Marian once again storming out of the house, once again fleeing from the fight. Hiding from all of it but mother believed I should be the one to make it all better. Even though our relationship was still healing from all those years of being separated mother still believed I had the better connection. I just couldn’t be bothered arguing with her. I’m not a fighter I have never been a fighter all my life. I have always allowed anyone, and everyone to push me around. I use to be able to stand my own, but then when my father started abusing me I changed. My whole life became worse then it already had been. Before my father has decided to join my long list of problems, Marian had been one. She had to me disappeared when I was very young, when her and I had both been so very close. I guess the separation shattered the bond. I still haven’t told her why I never sent her the letters, why all of a sudden they just stopped. I don’t want to.

I cower against the front porch of the house, not daring to let any of the light touch me. I hated it so much, I feared the little stars more then I feared my father and to be honest I don’t know why. My shadow walks out in front of me, standing just ahead of me so that half of my head is cut off by the light of the waning moon. I glare at it, it had more guts than I did. I was scared to step out there, but after seeing what some people could do I wasn’t going to let Marian stay out there by herself. My breaths were becoming more shallower with every thought of standing out there in the light. I look down at the ground and out into the night. My hands shook beside me, but with every passing second and heartbeat I knew that the longer I waited the worse it would get. It was time. Oh shit.

Tentatively I took a step forward, then another until I was at the edge of the porch and at the edge of the shade. One more step before I would be standing out in the stars, in the open. In the area where I knew the stars could beat their fury on me. Taking deep breaths that only seemed to make me dizzier, I closed my eyes I stepped forward… At least I willed myself to. I open them expecting to see the stars feel pain. But when I looked up I saw the roof of the veranda. I looked down at my feet. I hadn’t moved. I scowl. What was this? I growl at my lack of control over my own body, it wasn’t playing fair. Feeling a little stupid I grab my leg I try to tug it forward, but it felt heavier then stone, it wouldn’t move. I snarl at my leg and pull harder. “Move you idiot!” I screech at myself. The words echoed in the silent night. It made me feel stupid. I wrapped both my hands around my left leg and pulled as hard as I could. My leg slipped from underneath me, and I went flying down the two stairs that lead to our house and landed on my back on the floor.

The first thing I do is scream. I scream and scream. My eyes stare fearfully at the sky, the sky that hovered above me. The lights that shine down on me, glaring and laughing at me. I stand up and run, I run like the fucking wind away from the stars, but they don’t leave me. They follow me. I scream again so scared, the fear was racing through me it made me run. I screamed and ran, my throat burned, but no matter how far ot where I ran they were still there watching me. All I could think was run.