Hanging On [Sandra]

HUGO DELGADO

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Desperate to stop hanging over the edge of this cliff I like to call social status, I let my eyes stray from my tasks, looking for an opportunity to prove myself.

Isn’t that all I ever do? Prove myself?
When will it be enough?

I watch the new girl as she walks in; her face looks familiar, but I can't tell why. Turning back to my sword, I give it a thrust. However, I soon realize the rest of the group has shifted their attention to the girl with the knife. What is she trying to prove? She is skinnier than a stick. I’m surprised she can hold the knife in the first place.

I watch her every mistake, as she positions herself to throw: gripping the knife in the wrong place, bad stance, no focused aim, using no shoulder strength for power. She’s basically got it all wrong, no questions asked. When the knife goes flying, it doesn’t even hit the dummy. Figures.

A couple of guys start laughing. What wimpy little girl would have the nerve to come into a training gym like this? One of the guys nudges me. “You got your eyes on her, Hugo? Huh? Huh?” He jokes. “You wanna go talk to her?” Some of the other guys break into utter laughter. I hear a few murmurs of agreement as a couple of the guys egg me on.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely,” I joke along. I take a few steps over to the girl, looking back before proceeding. Laughs are still seeping from my mouth as my feet stumble over each other. In the few seconds before I reach her, I think of something witty to say, something that will really bring the others into hysterics.

I lean slightly as I stand before her, trying to look intimidating. “So, you uh, training for the circus? Hmm? Your face might make it in, but you got a long way to go before your skill will,” I say casually. I hear the guys guffawing behind me. I look to them, watching as a few of them flash a thumbs-up sign at me. Only one of the guys isn't laughing...

For a second, I wonder if my words might have done actual harm. I swallow down the guilt, quickly erasing that thought from my brain. I just succeeded, hadn’t I? You can’t always think of others, not when there’s something as important as this at hand.

I wanted in. I needed in. I deserved to be in that social circle.

I was almost over the cliff.

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HUGO DELGADO

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For a moment, I don't know what to do. The next few seconds fly by in a flash. I'm blinking so much, unable to believe what's right in front of me, that I almost miss it. I almost miss seeing that spear sever the dummy right at its neck. It's so fast...so unexpected. I almost jump back in surprise.

The other guys have stopped laughing. Everyone has put on a serious face, stunned by this turn in events. That's when it hits me: the reason that girl looks familiar. She's a sister of one of the other guys. This hits me with surprise almost as much as the spear had.

I stumble backwards a few steps, not knowing how to respond. The other guys seem confused to, like they've just been shown up. I've just been shown up. After taking one last look at me and the other guys, the girl storms out of the gym. The look she gave me really starts to work at my brain.

It looked almost disgusted, as though she was asking what kind of despicable human beings we were. I thought about it: who was I? A monstrous Career? It sure seemed like it, didn't it? A few whispers arise throughout the group, yet my eyes are still focused on the door. Guilt settles in my stomach.

I try to push my conscience away, but this time, it doesn't want to leave. I'm slipping off the edge of the cliff again; my footing is becoming unsteady. This time, I'm not trying as hard to grab on.

I'm letting myself slip. I want to apologize, but at the same time, I want to be popular. I want to be a Career.

Why does life make you choose?

I divert my gaze from the door to the place where the girl had last stood. Her jacket lay on the ground. I quickly rush to it, picking it up gently. I can feel the others' eyes burning into the back of my head, but I try to ignore the feeling.

"What you doing, Delgado?" One of them shouts.

"I'll be right back. Just gonna go burn this," I lie. A few of them snicker and I smile. I'm a bit surprised at the fact that some of them believe me, but I guess that's how Careers sometimes are: stupid.

I quickly exit the gym, running to find the girl. Just apologize and leave, I think, but somehow I have the slightest notion that it might not end up working that way...

"Hey, you out here?" It would work better if I knew her name. The sky above me is unsettling, and in only a few moments, I feel raindrops as they fall, one by one, slowly from the sky. "You forgot your jacket!" I shout. The next few words don't slip from my lips easily, but they do. "Look, I'm sorry, okay?"

I finally catch up to the girl, waiting for her response.[/size][/blockquote][/justify][/color]

HUGO DELGADO

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Just walk away, I try to convince myself. Now would be the perfect moment. Yet, that would leave the situation to remain disclosed. Just saying the words "I'm sorry," wasn't good enough.

"Don't mind me though. I'm off to the circus." The words almost kill me. She's mocking my own words. I sigh, thinking of how I could repay her. Hearing noise from the gym, I look back at it, unsure. Maybe I should just leave. The others might think I've ditched them. Honestly, would this girl really care? Would it really make a difference if I pay her back or not? Being high up on the social circle is what matters. It's what will make you a Career, a fighter, and maybe even a Peacekeeper.

Being a Peacekeeper...what would that be like? I immerse myself in the thought of it. I would be at the top; standing up on that cliff, just watching as everyone else hung below me, still climbing. I wouldn't have to worry about falling, because I'd have my own personal railing. I would never fall. I would never fail--not if I was living that life.

My thoughts are interrupted by a raindrop that lands directly on the tip of my nose. I look back at the girl, stuck in the middle. "Don't mind me. I'm off to the circus." The words echo through my brain. Had I really said something that mean? Of course I had. I wanted to feel included...

"Look," I say, moving closer to the girl and taking her hand in mine, just to show my appreciation "I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean it. I just...the guys...it's complicated. It's like a big game of politics. You gotta get 'em to like you, you gotta look cool, or you'll never be up there in that Career pack." I can't believe how honest I'm being about it. "Just, don't repeat that to anyone."

I look down, feeling a bit ashamed. I don't want to be a monster, but I do want to be included; and if I have to choose, I guess it would be better to be at the top, living as a person you know you aren't...

Than living at the bottom, where it doesn't matter who you are, because you get teased for it anyways.

I'd rather have it all, than have nothing...

I drop the girl's hand, about to walk away, but another question comes to my mind. I don't want to leave, not just yet. I feel like I still have more to repay, not just for the words, but for the laughing, for the humiliation, for the publicity of the entire event. I can't leave yet. What will the guys say when I come back in? Will they have enough intelligence to realize that I hadn't gone to burn the jacket, but rather talked to the girl who had owned it? "...Is that your brother in there? The one that looks like you? I dunno, I'm just curious." [/blockquote][/color][/size][/justify]