I Gave You All [Ele]

Rip the earth in two with your mind
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires
I never meant you any harm
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm

Autumn shoved the bathroom door open with excessive force before toppling into the empty bathtub. He could barely see straight never mind stay on his feet. Why the hell did I let myself get so fucked up? The events of the night were hazy in his memory. Images of playing the guitar with Ender singing showed up, along with his favorite white pills… Valium, his dirty little secret. What a hypocrite Autumn Flinn really was. Pestering the other boys to clean up while he was also guilty of an addiction. But it made things so much easier… All his fear of danger and the future was washed away like the ocean taking grains of sand out to sea. The muscle twitching and hallucinations were a small price to pay for the sense of calm and fearlessness. And here he was now, in the Lost Boys’ tiny bathroom, Ender having stumbled in shortly after him. It seemed like they did everything together. Since meeting up the two were fast friends. Autumn felt he owed Ender his life, no one else wanted anything to do with him. Deciding it was too much effort to get up, he pulled the rest of himself into the chipped fiberglass tub. The other boys would know to stay away from them until they’d sobered up a bit. Hazy blue eyes shot a half ass glare at his friend, ”I worry about you. When the hell are you gonna clean yourself up?”

But close my eyes for a while
Force from the world a patient smile

A shallow groan passed through his lips while he ran a hand through his matted blonde hair. Autumn knew his body would soon start to rebel against the abuse he put it through. At least the good ol toilet wasn’t far away. Pain in his gut was a reminder that the amount of Valium he’d taken was toxic, his body wanted to be rid of the poison. But Autumn wanted it to stay. He wanted to stay in the state of calm that it brought. So many disappointments in his life had lead him down a path of desperate measures. And here he was now, happier than he’d ever been before. Heavy eyelids hide his blue irises from sight. Just a minute, that’s all he wanted, was a minute of total silence and peace. That peace was tainted with Ender’s heavy breathing. Swinging his legs over the side of the tub he still had not found the strength or ambition to stand up. The movement made his vision blur. White, blue, grey, yellow, all the colors running together. It was as if his eyes were creating the effects of a kaleidoscope all on their own. The one thing he could see clearly was his friend standing in front of him leaning against the sink. He’s so screwed up he wouldn’t remember if I… No I can’t think like that, he’s my brother. With the Valium came a boldness Autumn wasn’t used to. He’d always known he’d found the other boy attractive, but not without his drug would he ever even dream of acting on such a thing. This was exactly why he never allowed himself to get this quite this screwed up, but tonight was different… He let loose just a little too much and now he was paying for it. Closing his eyes once more he reopened them to find he was no longer in the cramped bathroom, but back in his family’s plush home. Back to the day his mom found his pills…

How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won

”Autumn! Autumn!” Mrs.Flinn’s high pitched voice held an edge to it Autumn hated. She was pissed at him, and he could almost bet he knew what for. Still he tried to dilute himself into believing that it was something silly, something his mom worried herself over like the laundry or the dishes not being done. Heading up the stairs his feet dragged as if he were double the weight of his five eight frame. And once he passed the doorway into his room, he realized his first guess was correct, she’d found him out. “Dammit.”

The empty pill bottle was hurled at his face, and he made no effort to avoid the harmless container of plastic. Even the slap from his mother’s hand that followed barely stung his cheek. The numbness that had spread over his whole body was refusing to let him feel pain or nervousness. It was only… Only the look of disappointment that was visible in his mom’s eyes that ate at him. He was failure, she was ashamed of him. She would tell his father, his brothers would find out… “Your prescription is for a month Autumn, it’s the fifteenth and you have not a single pill left. What do you have to say for yourself? Huh? Answer me boy!” The lag in his thoughts was apparent. Lips going from a smile to a frown, mouth opening and closing as he attempted to form words. “I… I… They make me feel better ok mom. I’m fine really, I just.. “

It was exactly the response his mother hadn’t been hoping for. Quite honestly she would have been much happier had he admitted to selling them on the street. But no, he’d taken them all himself. Because he was weak, because he couldn’t deal with it anymore. And her perfect career son should never have a weakness… ”You’re no better than a drug addicted street rat! Autumn how could you do this to us? Wait until your father hears about this!” This was it; this was all he could take. Tears pricking the corners of his eyes while his mother marched away, he knew. Autumn knew he couldn’t stay.

But I gave you all
Close my eyes for a while
Force from the world a patient smile
But I gave you all

Back in the present Autumn was still struggling to come around from the Valium induced hallucination. Under his breath he whimpered in fear of his father. He hadn’t meant it. He never meant to ruin his family. They just never understood him. They never even tried. He was expected to conform to them, and couldn’t. Reaching out from his less than comfortable position his hand caught hold of the material of Ender’s pants, tugging him toward the tub. A very dangerous move with them both less than coordinated at the moment. After several moments, it dawned on the blonde that he wasn’t clinging to his father begging for forgiveness, but to his friend. Embarrassment painted his already flushed cheeks a rosy pink. A quick mumbled ”Sorry..” was the only response he was capable of. That and forcing his hand to release its hold on Ender. Looking away, he felt like a fool. He was supposed to be the dependable one, the one who made sure the others weren’t sick or hungry. But looking at him now it was plain to see why he needed his brothers; he was just as much of a mess as any of them…

But you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won

Well now you've won

Lyrics: I Gave You All by Mumford and Sons
Notes: First post with Autumn, hope it wasn't too awful. XD