I lost my + c l o s e s t + friend// [Reaction]

r u b i k + w o o d a r d s

_{i know it's gonna take some time
for you to feel that it's alright
i'm not making people choose a side
but i don't mind you trying}

<sub>It's raining. Of course it's raining... Pathetic Fallacy and all that... It's always raining when something bad happens. It rained when Mom died, it rained when Dad broke Pandora's arm, it rained when Hope ran away from home... And now it's raining again, like liquid torment, mocking my sadness. I take it all, all of it.

I'm sat on the tin roof of our house. It's pretty patchy from all the hopes and leaks we've had over the years, Pandora and I had to grab scrap metal from wherever we could to keep us all dry. But the last thing I care about right now is getting wet. My knees are pulled up to my chest, I welcome this rain, this shower that cleanses me.

Today is the day I lost Pandora Woodards.

Today is the day I lost my brother. My twin. My second half... I lost part of myself... Part of my identity. Gone, poof. A life so precious it was easy to lose, a butterfly to the hands of gods, it's wings ripped off and left to die. No dignity, no compassion. He was left to rot. I was left to rot. I am Pandora Woodards, and Pandora Woodards is Rubik Woodards. We're twins, we've always been one person, and now he's gone I don't feel like a person. I feel like a... a thing. I'm nothing. I'm alone, like part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and waved in front of my face and the rest of Panem.

My dark curly hair differs from Pandora's straight mop, even in the rain it swirls in the humidity, at least it doesn't get in my eyes. My clothes are plastered to my skin, cold and slimy. A crack of thunder echoes in the distant, not to different to the thunder that Pandora sat under last night. His last night. Every day was his last day, but it was never enough. He needed more time.

Hope was glued to the screen, she was allowed time off school for obvious reasons. I tried to divert myself, it's been excruciating for me, despite my efforts to be strong for Hope. But she watched every minute of his time in there, she watched him sleep, she watched him eat, she watched him bleed. At night, I'd put a blanket over her and see Pan asleep on the screen. How I wished I could put a blanket over him.

when things don't feel right
and you know deep in side
it breaks your heart,
but you must get out

But I can't. I can't ever see him or talk to him or see him smile or hear his pathetic sarcasm. He's gone. Part of me hasn't accepted that, part of me doesn't want to accept it. I haven't cried, I haven't shown any sign of emotion... I just feel numb. It's not how I expected. It happened so fast, so decisive. The moment that cannon fired, I came to the roof, I knew I couldn't bare see Hope break down. She ran straight to Dad, naturally. This is where I think, reflect.

What is there to reflect on?

The details of his death? What he could have done differently? What would have happened if I volunteered. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but what's done is done... He's dead. I am utterly and completely powerless to change that. My face crinkles into a frown as I kick at the metal roof I sit upon, I can't even hear the 'Clang' above the constant drumming of rain on tin. My thoughts are lost with the sound, thoughts of my brother jumping into the way of the shrapnel, giving his life for Jana's, a girl he barely knew. Because in the end, Pandora Woodards was selfless.

In the end, there was nothing to run from but himself. And he terrified himself. He was petrified of his actions, his selfish living and decisions. He was a monster and he knew it. He redeemed himself, he gave his life by choice, he could have gone on but he didn't. I don't hate him for that, I love him for it. Because he found himself, the Pan I knew was inside, the Pan he used to be before he grew up. Kid Pan. Pure Pan.

Thank you for giving up your life that day

He was strong, he believed. He knew what he was going was the right thing, the confidence and bravery he showed made everyone else in that hellhole look shameful. He died so others could live, not because he lost. He won the Games, in his own special way.

and i know you're gonna be alright
and i hope you find your way and i hope your futures bright
but i am the way this feels inside
but all i wanna do is make it to the other side

He brought order out of chaos, a light in the everdark. I envy him, his sacrifice may or may not be in vain, but I know everything will turn out, because whoever comes to District Eight when all of this is over will be a kid who gets to live. We're powerless to say otherwise and it's another person who can see tomorrow come.

no i don't wanna know why
you just can't let this go
but i must try
i just want you to understand

But it won't be Pandora Woodards.

It won't be my Pandora Woodards. Pan who laughs at the clothes I wear and torments me for being a virgin. Torments me for never even kissing a girl in my life. Pan who kicks me when I'm asleep and steals my breakfast. Pan who sits on the sofa and does nothing all day. He's gone. I'll never see him alive again. It kills me inside.

Not fair, Not fair, Not fair

Why does he get to die with his head held high, die with dignity and redemption? Why does he get a happy send off and I have to live my life as the twin of a dead boy? Because I'm the dead one. I'm the one who feels nothing, my mind is numb and my body cold. I'm the corpse, the unliving. Is this fair? Is any of this fair? I slowly get to my feet, my face raised to the watercolored grey.

"Pandora?" I call out. Where are you? Why aren't you here? The words don't come. My face is childlike and rapidly blinking away the rain... No, the tears... "Stop this madness... Just... Just come home..." I find myself calling to the sky, almost pleading for him to appear like a Ripredsend. Nothing comes, nothing replies. The link I get with my twin is dead. The moments where I know he's in danger, like how I woke up to run down and put the television on and find Pandora walking into the Jae and his gang. Like when I knew he was in trouble at school. Like how I know when he's sad. Now every time I go to that part of my brain, it's just cold.

"STOP BEING DEAD!!" I shout with anger now, jealousy that he's more alive that I'll ever be. Thunder is my reply, the flash of lightning a taunt at my rage. I direct it, channeling it to the sky. The sky is Pandora and Pandora is the sky.
"YOU FUCKING BACKWARD SCUM!! YOU'RE NOTHING!! YOU THINK YOUR SPECIAL NOW? NOW YOU'VE REDEEMED YOURSELF?!" My face pure malice and hate, my fists are clenched and frozen over with pain.

"I DO EVERYTHING... EVERYTHING FOR THIS FAMILY. YOU PROMISED YOU'D HELP AND NOW YOU'RE DEAD!!" Tears are lost in this rain, like the tears of Pandora were lost in the ocean. At least we have that in common, two dead twins with lost tears. He deserves it. He deserves to die. Swine. That's what he is, he's scum. Dirt. He's a no-one. A selfish, cocky, sleazy teenager.

that it feels like home
and it knocks me out
just to feel this way
i know i broke out

"I HATE YOU!!"

I shout it.

Again.

Over and over.

"You really shouldn't say bad things behind people's backs..." Comes the voice of an angel. I turn and Hope is there, wet and sniveling. Her beautiful blonde hair is now a ragged drape of water.
"Especially if that person is your dead brother..." She continues, my face is a desperate response.

"Hope..."
"Shut up!!" She barks, and I do, "Pan may not have done a lot for us, but he was always there to make you smile... Without him, you'd be a broken wreck... Just look at yourself now..." She says and I'm surprised at her maturity and argument. I'm crying all over again and on my knees. She folds her arms after wiping her nose with her wet sleeve. Stupid. I was supposed to be the one to stay strong for Hope... Turns out she's stronger than I could ever hope to be.

Maybe it's because she's not lost half of herself.

But she's still lost her brother

and it feels like home
and it knocks me out
just to feel this way
i know i broke out yeah

"I'm sorry..." I say to her, but she shakes her head. She's right. I'm not supposed to apologize to her. I've just announced the hatred for my dead brother. I look up to the blundering skies, my head at an angle, the reds of my eyes sting.
"I'M SORRY!!" I cry upwards, before sobbing uncontrollably into the metal.

There are no words. I have nothing to say to Hope, in a way I'm proud of her... But all I feel is shame. I've stabbed my dead brother in the back and I can't forgive myself. He was a hero, a martyr. I should be thanking him.

Rather unexpectedly, Hope hugs me. It's a strange hug, like I'm the younger brother and she's my older sister. It's how it feels, despite her being twelve and me being eighteen. We both cry. We mourn.

We accept.

and i owe it all
to this fall
yes i owe it all
to this fall

Pandora Woodards isn't coming home,
And maybe it's for the best...
Because we could all learn from what he did.</sub>