sadness is the soul [Pika]

Mathias Gammeth

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If there was two feelings that Mathias hated more than heartbreak, it was shame and helplessness. Sitting smack in the middle of the sidewalk, ass slowly becoming wet, Mathias couldn’t help but to feel a lot of shame and a lot of helplessness. As for the heartbreak, well, that was always there. Whenever he wasn’t with Edrys he felt like there was literally a gaping hole in his heart that couldn’t be filled. Only by seeing her was he ever complete, she was his missing puzzle piece.

Mathias seldom remembered a time where Edrys hadn’t been there for him. Every school sanctioned event, every harsh night, every reaping. Every reaping they would just look at each other. There was one thing, well of many, that really made him curious about her. It seemed that each year, at least since they’ve been eligible to be reaped, never had she once been nervous. She’d only ever been anxious for him. She spent most of the reaping days just comforting and consoling him, he wouldn’t get reaped if she had anything to do with it. And still, he wondered if it bothered her that if she ever did get selected, she might die. But it never seemed to.

Just thinking about her Mathias was almost in tears. It’d be a whole day since he’d seen her last and it was becoming unbearable. He could distinctly picture her bright blue eyes as she’d tell him over and over again that it’d be ok. He thought of her blonde curls that would bounce as she danced around his bedroom to no music whatsoever. “There’s music in the very air.” Edrys liked to say that to him, but he barely understood. She would often talk about how he never paid any attention to detail. Mathias understood that the sky was blue and clouds are white.

“It’s never that simple though, is it?” Mat never liked when she would ask questions like this. Questions that made him think. How could things not be that simple? Clearly the sky was blue, but apparently it was wrong. “The sky is a bunch of shades of blue. Things are never just one color.” This would confuse him more than he was before and he’d end up just staring at her hair. Her blonde hair with the curls, that’s what it was. “You never pay enough attention.” She’d tell him.

It wasn’t until recently that Mathias had started to see. He’d once heard the saying ‘the eyes are the window to the soul.’ Now, Mat wasn't one to really typically understand the whole metaphor type deal. He never really did pay attention in class, but that was mostly due to Edrys. Edrys, Edrys, Edrys. One day after she danced to her air music, Mathias tried to see the picture. The different shades of darkness, the beats of music in the air, but it wasn’t until he looked in to her eyes.

Her eyes weren’t just blue like he used to think. They had specs of almost white in little splotches around the blue, like the dances around her eyes. But, they had a sense of emptiness to them. It almost felt like a very lonely, dark place, even though her eyes were so light. That’s what shocked Mat so much. It almost seemed like even though she was there, right in front of him, her hollow eyes seemed to tell a different story. Almost as if, she really wasn't there at all. But her smile seemed to melt away that feeling.

Mathias still hadn’t heard her beats in the air, though he wishes he had. But still, his mind allowed him to see things most vividly. As his thoughts wander to Edrys, he doesn’t think of her yellow hair, he thinks of her light blonde curls that have many a stray hair as she’s too lazy to brush. It almost hurts every time his mind digresses to her. Especially when she’s not there, and she wasn’t. Mathias was almost alone on the cold winter ground, staring down the street. There’s one thing I hate more than heartbreak, longing.

He almost expected Edrys to come hopping down the street, as she does when she’s excited. But, she never did come. There was only Mathias, and this boy. He looked up finally, he never really did look at the other guy. The giant stood way above him, especially with him on the ground. But still, had Mathias been standing, it seemed as though he’d almost be a foot taller, though he did have a tendency to exaggerate a little bit.

The boy seemed almost dark, with his giant-esque figure and his dark brown hair, and his dark brown eyes, it almost seemed as if he could be a monster to Mathias, though it hardly seemed the case. "Hey man, it's okay. Really. Are you okay?" With that, the guy stuck out his arm towards Mat. Did he want him to shake it? He didn’t really understand. The whole idea of bumping in to the guy still made Mathias get that feeling in the pit of his stomach that made him sick. He really did hate talking to other people, especially kids who looked as though they could go to school with them. Experience showed that those types never were really nice to him in the long run.

OK? Was Mathias OK? He never really thought about it that much. He was in love, sure, but how did he feel besides that anyways? Dark, lonely, as if the world at any second could cut off all his oxygen and he would be fine. But, no, he wouldn’t be because he’s leave Edrys behind. Or was the boy talking about the fall? He felt fine, perhaps he might have a bruise down there, but that was really none of his business. The snow was soaking him slowly as it made a quick job of sinking into his jeans. He could feel his legs slowly getting wet from the snow and it was becoming uncomfortable.

The hand was probably to help him up. This really did shock Mat, why would anyone help him up? Especially someone who he just ever so rudely bumped in to. He wasn’t one to go about accepting any help from strangers because who knew what consequences would lay in its wake. He could have to become this guy’s slave and help him out all the time, or he may just go about and beat him up. Mathias had never been in a real big fight, at least that he could remember. What did you even do in a fight? His mind has racing at a million miles a minute. But, he stopped as soon as he realized he was just staring at his hand.

Mathias tried to make friends, it was hard for him. He didn’t understand a lot of what the other kids did so it really did just make him an outcast from day one. But he just didn’t want to keep staring at the hand. It was bizarre, and it wasn’t a nice hand. Well, who was one to judge if it was a nice hand or not, he certainly wasn’t. He peeked down at his cut hands that had accumulated a couple more scrapes from his fall on the snow covered gravel. They were atrocious. So, he supposed, in hindsight, the boys hands weren’t all that bad.

That’s when he decided to grab the hand. He just did it. Maybe things really just are that simple. He smiled up the boy and pulled himself up with the boys weight helping him out. He mumbled a thank you and lowered his head, he wasn’t one for eye contact. Help isn’t always a bad thing.

Mathias Gammeth

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Resentment. It had barely taken a glance to realize that that was the general feeling of this conversation. The boy that stood in front of Mathias had regretted ever even starting talking to him, but that was alright. It wasn’t as though resentment was a new feeling. Over the years, there hadn’t really been a time with anyone, besides Edrys, where the overbearing feeling of resentment, disgust, or abnormality hadn’t thrown a deep dark blanket of hatred and darkness over Mathias. Seclusion was the least of his worries though because Mathias was abnormal. It was a fact that over the years had become almost a blanket of security. The kids at school bullied, mocked, kicked him to the ground, but at least he was original.

Still, there was always a sense of regret that came with resentment. Had Mathias never built up such high walls around him, would Edrys have ever come into his life? Would his parents still look past him as if he were nothing more than a ghost looming in the shadows of their home? The questions were daunting and complicated. Had building up such strong and tall walls been really such a good idea? Question upon question hurtled themselves into his brain and there was nothing to be done.

Trapped. That’s the feeling that came with resentment, feeling trapped in a spot you just can’t get out of. Being trapped in the walls that you built up brick by brick, sturdy and strong, until you realize that there’s no way out from the prison that you’ve built. Now standing, looking at the boy who shared the same resentment as bullies and parents, Mathias couldn’t help but to feel as though not only were his walls taller than ever, they were losing air.

Maybe it was missing Edrys that kept the walls so eerily tall. If only I were strong enough to break my binds and fly. Deep breaths. I want to be a bird. In, out, in, out. The whole process that seemed so simple always turned out to be more complicated than originally thought. Once his brain went crazy, there almost didn’t seem to be a way to chain it back down. If only the brain could fly high enough to break the constraints set by the numerous red jailors, but there was no end to the upwards tunnel that Mathias was locked in. There were times where everything seemed to shut down, and this was one of them.

Mathias had slowly started to take notice in the little details of the street. The small little cracks in the sidewalk that came from years and years of people treading on the large stones without being replaced. All things break with time. Little shops with dusty signs lines both sides of the road. Small businesses that barely got by on what they sold, because no one had money was scarce, and really only was used for necessities. How do you define what’s necessary? But, the thing that really stood out was an old, dusty streetlamp. There were numerous lamps on the way home, guiding the streets when it got dark. Though it was old, and the light barely shined anymore, Mathias couldn’t help but to hope and pray that any second, Edrys would run up and stand on the spotlight that it created. That one little spot was the only real light around, besides the moon. But, the moon wasn’t good enough anymore, for anyone. Usually, one would get rid of the things that aren’t needed anymore. But the moon sticks around to play. How long before he was unnecessary? Will I stick around to play?

"Hey man, what's your name?" The effort was solid. Mathias had to applaud the boy for still trying, when many had given up time and time again. Yet, here he was, still standing there. Wouldn’t it be good to try? The boy was slightly taller than him, though not by much. Mathias had to look up to him, literally. That was a weird feeling considering how Edrys and his parents had always been on the shorter side. He knew that people were taller, considering Mathias himself was rather on the short side but in an actual conversation, if you could call it that, that small little detail seemed to stand out more than anything.

“Mathias.” He paused, was it a good idea to say that? What if the boy had only asked so that he knew who to mock, or who to taunt, or who to tell his buddies that he kicked in the face and left for dead in the street? The whole idea seemed so completely crazy and unreal. By asking such a simple question, there had to be some sort of ulterior motive. No one was nice, especially to Mathias. But at the same time, how nice would it be to get a friend? Sure, Edrys was there, but more than one. A pool of friends. A factory of friends. A world of friends. But how likely was that? “That’s my name, Mathias.”

How many bricks would it take before the walls would come crumbling down atop of him?

Mathias Gammeth

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A stinging sensation tickled Mathias’ fingertips as he stood in the almost blistering cold. There had been way worse snow storms over the years, however, this one seemed to be particularly bad. Somehow, the tightly wrapped bandages sprawled on many areas across his hands had loosened. Their grip no longer good, no longer holding on to the scrapes that had found their way there during the work day. Moist bandages were possibly one of the worst things. Sure, there was starvation, oppression, death, fascism, but there is nothing quite as bad as a soggy band-aid to ruin your evening.

Minutes upon minutes of remaining motionless in the snow, had resulted not only in a wet bum, but wet hands. Melted snow seeping into his wounds from the paper cutting machine was quickly becoming an irritating disturbance. Throb. Mathias could feel each finger pulsating under the useless fabric that now hung down from his hands. Useless, completely and utterly useless.

Being wet, at least in this sense, was almost as unbearable as the bandages that barely stuck on. It was uncomfortable, especially with the jeans he had on. The retaining moisture seemed to want to drag the almost frail boy down into the depths of the earth where he would never rise again, or something like that. Jeans never seemed to dry. The constant downwards pull seemed to bring on a whole new layer of tiredness that Mathias hadn’t been experienced before. But, as to whether it really was his pants or the unwanted social interaction was a mystery upon itself.

Misery loves company. Mathias was definitely miserable and there was plenty of company surrounding the boy. Stinging hands, soggy pants, and a boy named Dallas. Company and misery sure did seem to walk hand and hand down the path of Mathias’ personal hell. But his angel to pull him from these depths could not be seen. He was drowning. Misery and company, two best friends, two anchors dragging and pulling Mathias farther and farther until breathe would no longer come. Tragic.

"It's cold. Do you think you'd like to come to my friend's house with me? He could get us both a change of clothes, and maybe..” Mathias zoned out before the boy could even finish, what was he suggesting? That they do something? Together? In what sense? Mathias had heard story and story again of thigns that some guys did to other people, especially Edrys, whose father had raped her day in and day out. The idea that the suggestion was just a friendly request seemed alien, unlikely, and dangerous.

Yet, somehow, Mathias seemed unexplainably attracted to the idea. Fresh clothes, heat. That would easily get rid of one of the problems that currently stood before him, yet that would only increase the problem of Dallas. Was Dallas really a problem though? Firmly standing on the spot, Dallas was unmoving and almost threatening with his suggestion at least to Mathias. Threatening, inviting, both of them were the same thing really. Mathias was equally as unmoving, not wanting to move a limb in case that indicated a response that he hadn’t wanted to give.

Threatening and inviting, misery and company, Mathias and Dallas, everything seemed to be coming and pairs. Mathias and Dallas. That was interesting in itself that that had popped up. “Lead the way.” The words escaped his chapped lips before he could bite down on his tongue. Something in him wanted to go, get fresh clothes, try something new. Avoid Edrys. Something in his heart wanted him to walk away from the safe life of the girl with blonde hair and a smile that lured in many a salty sailor.

He could only oblige to that something in him.

Mathias Gammeth

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The harsh winter winds had not been kind to Mathias, day in and out he'd had mishaps, falling, tripping over the unseen side walk curbs, hidden amongst the snow. He had never really been all that stable of a person, clumsy was probably a better word for it. When there was no snow attacking the ground and latching on to it, he was still falling everywhere. During the summer months it would be his own shoelaces, or the corner of a table. Stability and staying on his feet had never quite been one of his greater skills. The slippery ground, wet with snow had only provided a small little hell on earth to the small boy and his fragile feet. It was a game of russian roulette, each step a stronger likely hood that the bullet would come out of the barrel and knock him down, dead. But this wasn't a deadly game - this was nothing but walking down the street.

Coldness had slowly enveloped him like a blanket. Clothes soaked to the brim from his fall and refusal to stand back up right up, he trudged along the District Seven side walks attempting to follow the curly haired boy in front of him - Dallas, he said his name was. Lately, more and more people had been talking to him, well talking to him and not mocking him. This was a sensation that Mathias had seldom felt before, the joys of conversation without the slight hint of mockery and slandering. It was new. Everything was new these days. Here he was, walking down the streets late at night with a boy he'd only just met and only just introduced himself to. Mathias. Dallas. Dallas, another name to add to the people he knew now, the ever growing list. Never in Mathias' life had he had to remember so many names, so many people. Though he could still count the people he knew on his hands, it was an improvement from the four fingers he could count on before.

Sticking one finger out at a time, concentrating tirelessly on each flick of the finger, he counted. One - thumb, Mum the woman who'd given birth to her clumsy son, who couldn't abandon him despite how scary his life became, how scary he became. Two - index finger, Father. The man who'd helped in the whole process of his coming to this world, and the man who encouraged his living in it every single day. Three - middle finger, Jesse. The boy who despite coming from his school hadn't mocked him about Edrys, hadn't slandered her name or his and even offered to help. Four - ring finger, Dallas. The boy he'd bumped in to on the street, who hadn't mocked him, and had also offered to help. To help, every one was offering to help. Other thumb - Mr. Stinson, the man who'd given him his job and let him keep it. And despite the cuts on his fingers and the endless work - Mathias was ever grateful for the opportunity to do something. He never got to do anything any more. And lastly, he'd saved his pinky for Edrys - a promise. That's what she was, a promise.

Six fingers and he could count all the people he knew now - two more than before and still ever-growing. With every day walking down the street, and new person nodded their head, and a new person waved and said hello without giggling. The real world was steadily approaching, Mathias only had a year left before he could make his way into working at the paper factory full-time. His clothes were becoming irritable and sagging atrociously with wetness, and though he gained confidence with each careful shuffle along the side walks, the clothes were serving as an anchor to knock him down. "I don't mean to be rude Dallas, but are we close to being there yet?" Dallas was silent and kept walking forward, perhaps Mathias had been too silent, perhaps it hadn't been heard or even Dallas was so caught up in his own head as Mat was in his that he just forgot to answer.

Within minutes, they'd arrived. Where, Mathias wasn't too sure, but a bright light pierced under the doorway and the faint pounding of music vibrated through the door at a steady beat. He followed Dallas' quick footsteps into the entryway, scared and lost in his own town. Where was he? A party, it hit him so hard that Mathias almost screamed. A social gathering in a place he'd never been before with people he didn't know - or with people who knew him but constantly laughed at him. The smokey, drunken haze that shrouded the place was disgusting and something that Mathias had never experienced. This was a place where he didn't belong. "I - I have to go, I can't stay here." He whispered frantically at Dallas, the music gaining speed and the bass beats matching up with his heart rate. This was a world where he was least comfortable - and it was best if he didn't stay.

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OOC: Lol so after almost four months, here ya go.[/size]