C // KORMIKO LAZAROV [DONE - re-submission]

"I love you."

They are like a stain. They stick to me permanently and no matter how much I scrub, how many layers of skin I tear from me they are still there. Embedded deep into my very soul. They have bled into me, like the way that blood flows onto cobblestone, the way it seeps into every crack and no matter what you do it stays. It stains. There it is scarring my skin until I always see them, until in my mind when I close my eyes at night it is all i see. Seared into the back of my eyes lids, like hot pokers they glow and glow stronger with every breath that I try to blow them away with. And see them I do, every day as the sun rises above the ridge of the towers. Everyday that the rays of light glint off of the tips of the castles, the sawing skyscrapers, pretty little buildings and god damn perfect houses I see them. They are written in the very air that fills my lungs and they rush into me with each breath of morning air that I take.

"I love you."

I can feel it leaden my veins and it creates the fatigue that wears me down until it is night and the sun has lunged once more into the edge of the ocean. And the sky bleeds a thousands shades of colour and there written in the blood that races across the sky, where the birds fly only black and the waves crash and roll I see the words. No one can see them except for me. They linger in my heart, branded there in ink, stuck there with glue and every single thing that could ever keep them down. Chains bound them to me because everywhere I run they will be there. Nothing I do will ever stop me from seeing and knowing that I said them. They are a vow and oath, a bond more stronger then blood. It is power, passion and strength that courses through my blood and when I feel it I know I am stronger and taller then any soldier.

"I love you."

I have the power of the heavens and the strength of the hells, where the air burns and yet that fire consumes me and it does not kill me, but only makes me stronger. It feeds me and I know that when love courses through my veins I can do anything. There are no walls that can bar me and there is nothing and no one that can change my mind. I also know that if I turn my back, if I sway away from it it will eat me. It will dig into my very soul and destroy every essence that is me. I promised Freya Hanig with three simple words that I would forever be with her. I gave her my heart when I dared whisper them in the frigid cold air the night before we were dragged off to the detention center. They spilled from my lips without hesitation, without reluctance, only carrying the weight of my truth and dragging my heart from my throat so that I might give it to her. So she could either stamp on it and destroy it.

"I love you."

Burn it with a few simple words, careless stinging words that would destroy me. Or she could take it. Hold it to her heat and give me her own. The words dripping from her lips and I waited. My arms wrapped tight around her, holding her as my breath leaked anxiously from my mouth in white clouds, the words of my heart still lingering on my tongue. But I was so happy for that moment as I said them. And in all honesty I can't remember. I can't remember whether or not she whispered the words of a curse back at me or if she replied in kind. Because a few seconds after I had said it it was over and twenty peacekeepers charged us and dragged us bound and gagged out of the city, away from the homes and the places we loved so much. To the detention center.

"I love you."

There is truth behind my words when I tell you this story. There are no lies that spring to my lips when I speak of my love for Freya Hanig. I had never told her I had a girlfriend, I had never told her that when we broke into the Capitol's center to burn the building and every single precious document that it held that I had a girl at my house waiting for my return. It did not matter. It mattered as little of the fact that my hair was brown, not black and my eyes were of the same shade, no less and no more. Skin is skin, people re people and my girlfriend was no longer called as such. I had told her just that it was over as I walked out. I don't believe she had believed me, her pleading brown eyes meeting my own hard, cold ones. I remained indifferent, knowing a girl far better and more special waited for me. So I left, my strong hard legs carrying me away from her.

"I love you."

I have no mind for treason, rebellion and anything that tags me out as a wrong doer. My parents kept me well trained, like a dog. They never allowed me leeway to be the person that I could be, they shaped and prodded me. Smacked and hit me until I did as they bid, until I was them, until I was no more than a zombie that did as they asked and nothing more. I never stepped a toe out a line for them, for fear of the punishment, father was cruel careless and cunning, he was unlike most over Capitolites, he had a head, he had a tongue and he knew had to manipulate and twist people. He was not stupid, nor silly he was very smart, but he was sly and has cunning as a snake. He was dangerous and he knew how to hurt people. He could hurt me, if he wanted to. But I always forgot about my family these days. Everyday I saw Freya I knew that she was my family. Yet that night, that one night still plagues me and I always wonder would she have said it.

"I love you."

Even after being with her few months I still wonder. I have no reason to ever think that she doesn't, but I want to know, to calm my soul and clear my mind. There is nothing like speaking the words of a vow, saying them loud into the open air of a frosty night where they echo down the empty streets, carrying the emotions that went with them. It is not every night that you say such words, an oath, and unforgettable sentence. words that can never be undone, I have never said them outright before. I have had many of girls before, i have slept with many, but never once have I said three words that can never be unsaid. I have always held my tongue when girls say it. Yet when I said it I expected her to repeat them with ease, every day that I meet Freya. Every day I remember the detention center and I remember seeing her after we had both been set free. I remember as clear as crystal water running to her and embracing her, I remember her so clearly saying...

"I love you."

It wasn't enough though.

"Freya, that night, the first night I ever told you I loved you..."

Of the words have lingered on my lips, ready to slip into the spoken relam, but there is always something that holds me back. Fear. Fear of knowing that perhaps she would not have said it. Not even knowing that we are together now, that we kiss and hols each other every day has convinced me that she would have said it then and there. Because on that day we had fought, we had hit each other with words that left her running into the cold streets, fleeing from the very sight of me. But I told her, hesitantly and flinching away as I said it, worried that she would scold me or tell me that I am stupid and why would I ever doubt her. But I was the stupid one. And she whispered the words, a response to my three word vow, her four word one followed:

"I love you, too."

She says it, because we are perfect.

Three words and a vow for life.